Cheese and TERROR!!!

Tentacles!

2012-01-03T15:03:00.000-05:00

What do you get when you pair legendary Academy Award winning director John Huston(in an acting capacity) with legendary Academy Award winning actor, Henry Fonda, add Academy Award winning actress Shelley Winters, and throw in TV favorite Claude Akins to round out the all-star cast?!?A monstrous turd called Tentacles! This film was wretched out to theaters in 1978 in response to the "The water is FREAKING TERRIFYING!!!!" trend in film-making during the 1970's, the brainchild of Italian filmmakers. We're not talking Argento or Bava, or even Fulci here. It's basically some random Italian guys with a lot of disposable income.
It's summertime in Ocean Beach, and that only means PERIL!!! With nearly-identical plot lines to Jaws, like bad guys trying to keep the beach open as the octopus(yep, you read that right. A killer octopus) devours its victims with pristine accuracy and stealth, and good guys trying to find the beast before it's too late, this film reeks worse than the Fulton Fish Market in a heat wave. Talk about casting failure?!? Claude Akins, aka TV's Sheriff Lobo, plays...a sheriff. Henry Fonda, admittedly one of the most likable men in film history plays...an evil tycoon! When you see how this film's "writers" decide to set this dung heap apart from the rest of the killer sea dweller genre, you'll piss your pants. Seriously, it's truly heinous. Please watch this film, especially for the ludicrous attack sequences! This is a true gem squeezed from Satan's ass cheeks.

Attack the Block

2011-12-14T12:32:00.000-05:00

I grew up during the heyday of John Carpenter, as Halloween, Escape From New York, and The Thing established Mr. Carpenter as one the true greats of the horror genre. Attack the Block, a film from Edgar Wright, director of the popular British cult favorite, Spaced, and the Simon Pegg/Nick Frost films to follow, takes its cues from early Carpenter films while also keeping the sense of humor which made Shawn of the Dead and Hot Fuzz such popular films. The film follows five British slum youths as they mug an unsuspecting young woman. As the crime unfolds, a meteor crashes directly next to them, unleashing an alien beastie, which they subsequently SLAUGHTER.
From this point, Wright and cast submerge into the impoverished Britain, a section of society hurt by poor, prototypically American economic policies which had a similar effect here: the destabilization of the middle class and the further bashing of the lowest classes. Wright, like Carpenter and many successful horror/sci-fi directors, adds a strong undertone of social commentry, as we follow these children, fearless because of their environment, as they attempt to defend their "block" in the projects from an awkward alien invasion. The beasties are refreshingly low-budget, and the who, what, where and why of the film dissolves effectively as chaos erupts, pitting humans together against these ape-like creature, and against their territorial foes. I recommend Attack the Block for its wonderful blend of culture, creature and commentary. Also, I would add They Live, Carpenter's arguably failed attempt at blatant protest of advertising, as a companion piece, as they share some truly wondrous goofiness.

Also enjoy They Live's legendary scenes, regarding bubblegum and a 10 minute street brawl...lest I give too much away...

Inside Job

2011-11-11T13:25:00.001-05:00

I rarely use my blog anymore to get on a soapbox to proclaim a film or documentary as must-see viewing while being classified as a great film; not any more than Roger Ebert would send viewers to see Showgirls to see great screenwriting at work. That being said, I want to take this brief blog to draw your attention to Academy Award winner, Inside Job. No, not the Spike Lee joint.
This documentary presents the facts behind the scandalous collapse of major corporations who used the trust of the American people and a system devoid of regulations to fleece the country, then cause the largest meltdown of the Great Depression.The doc also ties together the infiltration of government by these corporations, and the links to renowned academia. I don't want to say too much, mainly so you can experience the outrage for yourself.
I have attempted through social media to help spread the word regarding our standing in this limping economy, as well as help those confused by Occupy Wall Street to understand what they really want accomplished. This film helps explain indirectly what has created this movement, and defined their demands. I ask anyone to keep an open mind as they watch, as there can appear to be a one-sided view of the events. Do not be fooled: there is no conjecture here: Inside Job is a factual retelling of events, not a Michael Moore-esque propaganda machine. To ignore these facts and interviews is to ignore reality itself. This isn't OJ trying on shrunken gloves; here the gloves fit all hands involved.

Hobo With A Shotgun

2011-09-07T14:13:00.000-04:00

Some films are created as an homage to a superior director/idol (think Super 8), using the lauded director's style to create an entertaining new film. Other films are original concepts which can be applauded for their ingenuity, as they apply new tropes or re-engineer old ones to add freshness to otherwise banal ideas. And then there's Hobo With A Shotgun. Director Jason Eisener took a short which he developed as an intermission piece for the Tarantino/Rodriguez double feature Grindhouse, and expanded it to a full hour-and-a-half of pure crap. And I really mean CRAP. The homages to Michael Herz and Lloyd Kaufman of Troma fame are obvious: ridiculously hammed-up villains(the actors who portray The Drake and his sons are waaaaay over the top), a blindly noble hero(sadly, Rutger Hauer in a laudable performance, given the material), and tons of ridiculous excessive gore. Eisener attempts to portray a once-proud town gone haywire, full of idiots and criminals, living in an anarchaic harmony until the Hobo throws the balance of all things scummy asunder. What the director creates, however, is utter garbage. You know those ideas that begin with "You know what would be freakin' awesome?!?" while smothered in a blanket of stank weed smog with your pothead friends? That idea became Hobo With A Shotgun... Besides a complete lack of direction(both from Eisener and conceptually), this film lacks the charm of the 80s films which came from Troma, like the Toxic Avenger and Surf Nazis Must Die; films which, bad as they were, had a ribald and outlandish tone. This tone allowed the viewer to not only remember they were watching a bad film, but feel content to sit back and just laugh at it. The joke here is inevitably on Eisener, as he pays homage to filmmakers who he never truly understood or could replicate. Sadly, Eisener is working on another project, due to release next year. I'll warn you in advance when I know more.

Mega-Shark vs. Crocosaurus

2011-08-13T13:09:00.000-04:00

The other day, my wife and I watched a quite pleasurable little ditty, a sequel to the wonderfully terrible Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus. If you've guessed that these films are from the SyFy Network...you're 100% correct! Infamous for their gleefully despicably awful pictures with threadbare scripts, horrendous actors and uninspired computer graphics, SyFy has outdone itself yet again in finding a new low to strike. This film features one of the most wooden dare-I-say theatrical performances in recent memory, in the form of "Agent" Hutchinson("actress" Sarah Lieving). The most range or depth the viewer gets is a slight raise in the timbre of her voice when she's excited, making for some compelling viewing. I'm serious. We tried to walk away from this car wreck of a film, but found we were glued to our seats, as the acting became progressively worse, and the plot more ridiculous. Like this plot twist: We can't destroy these creatures unless we can contain them, so let's trap them in the Panama Fucking Canal and then NUKE IT! Yep. The film often dispels with logic or laws or even that people exist, and does what it wants. This, my friends, is the beauty of Mega-Shark vs. Crocosaurus: even when you think it can't get any worse, it surprises and entertains you with more nonsense! Watch it!

R.O.T.O.R.!

2011-07-31T19:52:00.000-04:00

I love the Terminator. I also enjoy watching Robocop(the first movie, not the horrendous sequels). So what happens when, after both films have cornered the market on the robotic cop/villain market, a group of illiterate rich Texans decide they can do better? You get R.O.T.O.R.! I rarely say with such steadfast excitement that this film is a complete pile of cinematic excrement, but worth the hour and a half that you will endure it. It wasn't the "hero" who looks more like the original Caliban from Clash of the Titans, WITH makeup. It wasn't the "scientist" who comes to his aid in the second half of the film, who appears to have consumed half of the protein shakes located on the East Coast. Nor is it the film's female "lead", spending most of the film driving away in "fear" with the pace of a gopher with hemorrhoids. It's R.O.T.O.R himself, and the scientific division of the Texas PD which had me in complete stitches. The robot is a hilarious mix of a Chippendale's dancer and a member of the Village People. The "science" department loves talking about theories which can't possibly exist. The smartest "person" and best actor is a robot who is given pretty free reign to oversee the R.O.T.O.R. project. No one can act in this film, and that's for the benefit of all. I was delighted that all of the "actors" involved were so invested in this film as they plod their way through every line with the excitement of a freshman year acting troupe. I highly reccomend sitting through this "film", as the "surprise" ending will make your nose bleed from laughter.

Some films do not need sequels...

2011-06-25T20:30:00.000-04:00

There are hundreds of horrendous sequels in the film annals. I recently found a real straight-to-video wonder called 30 Days of Night: Dark Days. This "sequel" is quite abhorrent. Not only does it use footage from the first film, but distorts it to include a new actress. Since not-well-known Melissa George passed this gem up, the viewer is in for a real treat. Mia Kirshner of L Word and Exotica fame plays the villain as this sequel moves to the 30 days of dark, dark...Los Angeles. Though attempting to keep the look of the vampires of the first film, there are no truly scary villains here. In fact, the CGI and makeup folks have tons of trouble keeping the eyes of the vampires black, or even dull. The acting is quite atrocious, fitting of a high school class project. Normally I enjoy these flaws, yet in this listless sequel, the only joke is on the viewer. Avoid it. Instead, find Warriors of the Lost World. More fun for all, I swear.

I write a sports blog also.

2011-06-24T09:26:00.002-04:00

I write a sports blog for the examiner. Look me up in the New York Sports section at www.examiner.com.

X-Men- Classy!

2011-06-05T18:02:00.000-04:00

So I saw X-men: First Class this past Friday. My first thought was "This really isn't near as bad as I thought it was going to be!" You can understand my mixed bag of despair and excitement, given my love of bad films and my hope that there would be a plot. There is! As per the Marvel formula, the creators of this prequel (one of them being Bryan Singer, the director of the first two X-Men films) again cast quite well, and the story arcs are crisp. I recommend the film on the whole, but only for a single viewing. Why, you ask? Primarily so you only concentrate on the stellar jobs of Michael Fassbender and James McAvoy (with Kevin Bacon and January Jones giving admirable performances). I have read reviews which have asserted that this film is the best comic adaptation since the Dark Knight...made a whopping 3 years ago...long time there, guys. Seriously, it's up against Punisher:War Zone. Are we gonna compare it to Daredevil next? WTF! OK, in all seriousness, Iron Man made Stark extremely egotistical, and Thor came from the "planet" Asgard. Ok...SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!But there's a character in the X-Men prequel whose name is never used...ever. And "Angel", played quite horribly by Kravitz's daughter, Zoe, who has the wings of a dragonfly and spits fire...not a character I remember. The Angel I know from X-Men was a man, and at times became evil...aka Archangel. I probably have that mixed up, but c'mon, guys! if you're gonna make shit up, maybe...DRAGON FLY would be more appropriate! Oh, and the name wasn't taken already. And who the fuck was "Darwin", whose power was to turn into whatever helps him survive?!? Are you fucking kidding me!
So, I still enjoyed the film, but be warned. See it once. I mean it.

Thor is...good?!?

2011-05-19T16:11:00.000-04:00

That's right. Marvel has perfected a formula for its origin series in anticipation of The Avengers. a) Casting is key. Even Anthony Hopkins, normally laughably melodramatic, seems good for the role. b) After casting, make sure they act...and act well. As I said, Hopkins performs admirably as Odin, and previously unknown Chris Hemsworth(unless you knew him as Kirk's father in the Star Trek reboot) is a great Thor. c) Don't fuck around too much with the original story from the comics. No new villains or characters people neither recognize nor give a crap about. I do wish they would find a way to plug in Beta Ray Bill, but I'll settle for now. Oh, there is a D! d) spend a shit ton of money. And they did. And it shows. Thor was fun, and I expect more from Captain America. Not so sure about Green Lantern, as it's DC Comics's baby, but Batman went well...oh, wait, Christopher Nolan brought that back to life...uh oh...

I admit it. I was wrong.

2011-05-09T12:07:00.000-04:00

I just started watching The Walking Dead, this time leaps and bounds more soberly than the first attempt(in the middle of a bar after 11 hours of drinking). Originally, I had found it trite and unoriginal. I was wrong. This product has the unmistakable aroma of a Frank Darabont effort(he's a co-writer/executive producer). If you aren't familiar with Darabont, he's the guy who directed some of Stephen King's short stories. Maybe you've heard of The Shawshank Redemption, and The Green Mile(and The Mist, which my wife HATES). Then again, maybe you haven't...which would be really weird...
In traditional Darabont fashion, The Walking Dead delves into the emotional, social and ethical ramifications of living during a zombie apocalypse(it's coming, folks! How could TV be wrong?!?). As in his previous work, Darabont attempts to breach the haze which surrounds our mundane, humdrum lives as we search like zombies for meaning in a cruel, cruel world, keeping the viewer ever-mindful of the "walkers' " past humanity, and the crumbling of our ethos and mores when all hope is lost. It's an existential full course meal. I usually suggest to the reader viewing films which are awful and hilarious. This show is neither of those, and you should watch it. And reinforce that shitty cardboard door of yours. Zombies can get through that shit in seconds. Just a friendly tip so my friends don't become flesh-hungry zombies who I hafta shoot in the head. I'm sure it would make me upset. Really, it would!

Sharktopus

2011-04-27T14:25:00.000-04:00

I was drawn by the title alone. Displaying some of the worst acting "talent" in recent memory, Sharktopus is the heart-breaking story of a shark with...ass tentacles who lashes out at vicious beachgoers, seeking revenge for the death of his mother...ok, maybe not. With tentacles which protrude from its back tail area(shark ass), strange useless spikes by its gills, and a weird sheen, Sharktopus is not only created from the WORST CGI effects I have seen since Battlefield Earth, but is also(not to hurt its poor feelings) the hands-down poorest creature design I have witnessed in years. Oddly, the combination of the aforementioned factors makes Sharktopus an entertaining romp through inanity, as swimmers, bungee jumpers, and journalists...and Eric(I was in Batman, damn it!) Roberts all serve as creative fish food. I definitely recommend downing at least 7-200 drinks before sitting down for this mostly-when-drunk laugh riot! Did I mention Roger Corman created this crap heap?!?

Insidious

2011-04-18T12:53:00.001-04:00

So, most of you who read this blog sporadically know that I tend to focus on older films, or current politics. I decided over the weekend to delve into the world of the now, and see a film which is still in theaters! I had high expectations for Insidious (by Saw creator James Wan), as I thoroughly enjoyed their previous non-Saw film, Dead Silence. I will be the first to admit that James Wan and his crew are faaaar from perfect filmmakers, and I must admit that I think the Saw series has set us all back decades. There is a scene in Dead Silence, about a vengeful ventriloquist's ghost and her dummies, where a protagonist who's wife has been murdered by said dummy is driving down a road. Is the dummy in the car? Yes. Is it in a box or in the trunk? No, it's sitting in the back seat. So, the dummy just killed your wife. And you want to road trip with him?!? Unfortunately, though the remainder of the film is suspenseful and at times terrifying, critics harped on the dummy backseat driver idea, and based all their reviews on it. Assholes.
Back to Insidious. I went against better judgment and read reviews of this film, all citing the parallels to Poltergeist. I must tell you that this comparison is entirely flimsy. If Insidious steals from Poltergeist, then the argument can be presented that all romantic comedies steal from each other because they include scenes of kissing...or doctor dramas because they include operations. It's that weak of a link, but critics will find any reason to bludgeon a perfectly good horror film. What I enjoyed most about the film was its pacing/storytelling. This is a strong ghost story which has a fantastic pace, where all is divulged in due time, effectively. I was thoroughly engrossed in the plot, and sympathetic toward its protagonists. A story synopsis: a family moves into a new house. After a seemingly harmless accident, their son suddenly falls into a coma. Then weird/scary as hell shit obviously begin occurring. My one honest criticism of the film is its music and credits, which actually DO steal from Drag Me To Hell, Sam Raimi's 2009 gem. The music was, while attempting to make the viewer tense, thoroughly annoying and goofy. My wife almost walked out. It's that irritating.
Unfortunately, I was too late to see Insidious, and it will be removed from theaters by this weekend, so I would suggest rushing to see it before Friday. It is worth the theatrical viewing. Oh, and rent Dead Silence, and watch it in a dark room.

Intriguing News On Williamsburg's Explosion/Implosion

2011-04-13T13:49:00.000-04:00

Over the last few weeks, I had heard both of the end to "pool parties" on the waterfront, as well as a moratorium on liquor licenses. The messengers of this news were royally pissed, as the end of concerts meant less to do on Sundays, and less liquor licenses meant less trendy bars/restaurants. Here's the newest news from the Gothamist:
http://gothamist.com/2011/04/13/concerts_now_banned_on_williamsburg.php

I was not surprised to hear this news at all, though I have been reading the Facebook outrage throughout the day. I think the most important tidbit of information that I can pass along to those furious minions is this: CB1 is comprised primarily of local bar/restaurant and business owners, some of whom are on Berry, and most of who are extremely involved in the neighborhood politics. It is in their best interest to see lesser competition, no doubt. But why would they not want the influx of hungry concert-goers in their streets? Isn't that in their best interest?
The answer is absolutely not. With the exception of Brooklyn Bowl and few other bars and restaurants on the Berry side of Bedford Ave, they HATE these events. The "hungry concert-goers" are also drunk, stoned, high, or a ribald combination of all three. They scream through the streets on their way back to the train, then cause havoc for most of these business owners. As for the establishments on the other end of Bedford, these villainous throngs never reach their streets, except for the residents and die-hard boozers. No fun, trust me. As a decade bartender in the Burg, I neither applaud nor condemn this vote. I work Sunday nights, and they are most quiet after these events, so I would be a hypocrite if I sided with CB1. I benefit from the event shutdown(hopefully). However, I do side with the residents of Berry-side Williamsburg, who have a legitimate gripe. As these events are shit-shows, full of screaming teens and adults, mostly over-served and heat-stroke-addled, they have a right to their peaceful days and streets. Though Hipsterburg feels it has a right to go see shows and party in the streets...they don't. Williamsburg is a residential neighborhood, and that side of Bedford is full of families and life-long residents. The pool parties at the actual pool were fine because McCarren Park took the brunt of the noise and drunk people. The speakers were pointed at the park, not the houses across the street. Though a fan of outdoor revelry in summertime, I wouldn't want bands playing directly outside my window. Neither would most people.

A New Post! About...the Re-Animator series.

2011-04-03T18:35:00.000-04:00

Ok, so the first thing you should know about the Re-Animator series is that it's based(loosely) on an H.P. Lovecraft ditty. If you know anything about Mr. Lovecraft, or should know anything, it's that a good film has NEVER been made from any of his works. Ever. Each film centers around the search for eternal life, as Dr. Herbert West and a sidekick doctor discover how to reanimate dead things. This never goes well for them, and bad shit always happens. Does he stop? Of course not! Somehow, West also seems to survive his own death scenes and returns for another sequel.
So though I love Re-Animator, the first of the films, for its wonderfully cheesy effects, bordering on laughable, these films are really not that good. Also, they're what some have best described as...well, gross. Bride of Re-Animator goes above and beyond the initial cheesiness of the first film, which features a severed head with bat wings, and more dead shit. The third film, Beyond Re-Animator, centers on a prison, where West, alive again but not reanimated, is incarcerated. Of course, bad shit happens again, as he turns the prison upside-down. The third installment has none of the charm of the first film, and even less than the second. In fact, if you could measure charm, it would fall somehow below zero.
So in case you're in the mood for some hilariously goofy, bad cinema, I wholeheartedly suggest the first two Re-Animator films. Leave the last one alone.

More Werewolves!

2011-03-26T13:33:00.000-04:00

Just in case you're not getting your fix of bad werewolf films, try Skinwalkers. One of the signs of a bad film is Jason Behr, of Roswell fame, as the lead. Not only do we get this doughy-faces little guy as our main character, he's the villain. Skinwalkers has a bad concept, terrible script, and awful actors( I absolve Elias Koteas from this list). This film plain stinks, in a hilariously heart-warming way.
Not to be outdone is Cursed, starring Christina Ricci and new It-geek Jesse Eisenberg as brother and sister who are attacked by a werewolf, who is apparently less hungry, and more in need of friends. The ever-awful Joshua Jackson also drops by as a mysterious possible-villain, and Portia deRossi of Ally McBeal and Arrested Development stars as dinner! These are can't-miss chucklefests from beginning to end.

Having Given Y'All Enough Time To See Some Films...

2011-03-25T16:58:00.000-04:00

I love werewolf films, not for their impeccable writing and storytelling, but for how laughably bad most of them are. One of my favorite film series is that of Ginger Snaps. These Canadian turd fests revolve around two sisters, one of whom has been bitten by a werewolf. For those who are unaware, this makes her a werewolf as well...and a pretty bad one at that. In the first two films, we follow the sisters as they struggle with their familial bond, dating, and just plain biting the fuck out of people. From out of nowhere, the creators of the series decide, What if we just placed these two characters IN FRONTIER TIMES, circa the 1850's?!? What the fuck, people! Have you no shame?!? They don't even change the names of the characters! Ironically, this is the most watchable, and least laughable of the films. Still, a much better frontier werewolf film exists, in The Brotherhood of the Wolf. I tend to enjoy anything with Monica Belllucci in it(not Irreversible. Don't ever see that film. I mean it.) but this film is actually decent. Maybe you should watch them back-to-back, for argument's sake.

Leonard Part VI

2011-03-21T13:13:00.000-04:00

There are few words to describe the sheer horror and despair one may experience when sitting through a terribly written, horribly acted comedy. Usually, bad comedies are either the result of a megalomaniacal comedian too big for his britches, or terrible writing, or a lack/overabundance of outside influences which maim a promising production. Rarely does a film suffer from ALL OF THE ABOVE. Enter Leonard Part VI. Bill Cosby was at the height of fame, buoyed by the #1 show on television and a still-strong comic career. Cosby was the Teflon Don of TV...but not for long. Containing one of the most excruciating montage scenes in film history(the weapon prep before battle scene), followed by an equally unbearable, drawn out gag (usually a scene cited by critics as one of the worst of all time) involving blowing up a wall, Leonard Part VI is the nightmare of anyone with ears and eyes. The script is atrocious, and all actors involved took a considerable hit, including Mr. Cosby, who will forever be pigeon-holed by the fame of The Cosby Show. Why? Could you imagine sitting with Bill Cosby for 20 minutes and asking him about this film? Ghost Dad? His affair and love child?!? Some films are worth forgetting. If you've ever been interested in film, Leonard Part VI is the perfect film to watch...so you know what NOT to do when making a film.

Who Doesn't Love Slow-Moving Thrillers?!?

2011-03-18T20:57:00.000-04:00

So, I watched The American the other day. I tend to like really slow, drawn-out exposition with sprinkles of chaos. In this way this film did not disappoint. I was slightly amused yet perturbed by the beautiful Italian prostitute who is seduced by all that is Clooney and wishes to run away with him to somewhere where she won't hafta get shot through the neck...not much of a spoiler, trust me. You'll get it in two minutes. I appreciate the Bond-esque naivity, yet it detracts from the film. I must admit: I enjoy watching Georgie boy act. As opposed to Bill Murray's stint as existential stoic in the last decade of film, I feel the Cloonster pulls the same off with poise and penache. He succeeded at making me feel sympathy for his character, and outright disgusting me. I couldn't decide if and why I wished for his success. I recommend it. Just try not to get caught up in the whole hooker/lover thing, and you'll be OK.

Hell Comes To Frogtown

2011-03-15T19:44:00.000-04:00

I know, catchy title, right? Who wouldn't see this film in the theater?!? Well, luckily for humankind, no one did(it WAS released!!!) Coming of the heels of his virtuoso performance in They Live, Roddy Piper (yes, Rowdy Roddy Piper) took on a challenging role in a post-apocalyptic future, fighting a lot of men in frog costumes...I mean, frog men. Also starring Sandahl Bergman, from Red Sonja and Conan the Barbarian, this film thoroughly stinks. As I have mentioned before, I would triple dog dare you to watch this film and Red Sonja back-to-back, just to experience the pain unleashed by Bergman's acting! ANYONE who makes Roddy Piper look like an actor deserves a quick end to their career. Oh, wait...her career DID end!

Also, just heard there is a Conan the Barbarian remake on the horizon! This will bring new meaning to the word "stink"! I can't wait.

Lately I've Been Uninspired. Sorry.

2011-03-12T14:00:00.000-05:00

When natural disasters and political mutiny against the American people by their small-minded wealthy "representatives" get me down, I actually watch LESS bad films and comedies. I believe in dealing with what ails me, not escaping from it. As opposed to an alarmingly large cross-section of Americans, I rebounded from 9/11 pretty quickly(some people still aren't quite over it. A good number of them weren't directly affected by it, either). In fact, I was on the subway that very night, looking for an open bar. If you allow grief and strife to linger, it consumes you like athlete's foot, burning the webbing of your toes(that's what it does, I swear!) every few days until you scratch it bloody, and then returns over and over for all eternity, all the while getting worse until you apply the meds. I do get angered by injustice and saddened by tragedy, but I deal with it ASAP.
Aaannndd...now I'm over it! Hooray! So I watched Highway to Hell yesterday, a little ditty from 1991, starring Kristy Swanson and the lesser Lowe, Chad. If you wish to see a post-apocalyptic film hidden deep in a film about the devil, this is for you! An old man, played by Academy nominee Richard Farnsworth, warns a couple to stay awake on the road. Of course they don't. You see, pent-up teenage horniness makes you crazy AND sleepy! So a "hell cop" takes her away. Cause she's a virgin, you see. So the kid follows her to hell to get her back. That's the story. Oh, and there are bikers in hell. And Lita Ford. And her boobs.
If you like dated, silly horror, this is a good one.

Best Epic Failure of the Week!

2011-03-08T12:33:00.001-05:00

http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/basketball/blog/the_dagger/post/Professor-honored-at-halftime-tossed-from-game-f?urn=ncaab-331238
This made me laugh out loud. Failure to the professor for being a dumbass, but epic fail for the refs, who obviously don't watch the halftime show.Not even a warning, guys? He didn't even curse or reference the Donaghy scandal! And $1600 a game?!? That's about $600 per hour for the game! Where do I sign up! I'll even watch the halftime show!

Even Gun-Wielding, Bible-Thumping Maniacs have their limit.

2011-03-07T11:59:00.000-05:00

I read a surprisingly startling article in today's NY Times which thrilled and confused me today, regarding America's newest and most dangerous blowhard, Glenn Beck.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/07/business/media/07carr.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&smid=fb-nytimes
I am thrilled at even the hint that Beck could be ousted by Fix News by December. Do I think they'll do it? No. I'm sure a huge Save Glenn Beck, perpetrated by, well, Glenn Beck, will be in the works before then, as his ouster would be the sinister plot of Soros and the left wing media machine to break America's will. I do love that Fix News's senior VP of development is aptly named "Cheatwood". You can't make this stuff up, folks! I'm sure a comment from Beck will be prepared for his show today, complete with the prerequisite angry blubbering that right wing America loves(see Boehner). I can't wait for the Daily Show to lampoon that Tuesday...or hopefully Wednesday when I go to see it live!

This Is Unfortunate.

2011-03-03T17:08:00.000-05:00

So I was rifling through them there internets, and found this gem.
http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2011/03/03/blade-runner-sequels-and-prequels-are-on-the-way/

This saddens me. If you haven't seen the original (there are few people who haven't by now) , you might be excited to hear this. I caution you, this will not be good, as recent history suggests. Here are names of some recent films which were either remakes or unnecessary prequels/sequels: Tron: Legacy, Amityville Horror, The Hills Have Eyes 1 and 2, Pirahna 3D, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre(with prequel), TWO Exorcist prequels with almost identical scripts, House of Wax, The Wicker Man, Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween 1 and 2, The Star Wars prequels...I really can keep going. What do these films have in common besides their SciFi/Horror classifications? THEY ALL ROYALLY SUCKED. Hollywood has run out of original ideas, mainly because studios work from the same pool of writers. When an original writer is given opportunity( Diablo Cody is a good example), they are forced to abide by Hollywood's rules, adding old tropes, dumbing down dialogue, characters, and creating utter crap(see Jennifer's Body). Ok, so it DOES give me more bad films to watch; but these are the kinds of films that are so bad, they're just downright painful. So the Blade Runner sequel is just, to me, one more bad rehash with glossy effects and no worth. I'm gonna go throw on Mega Piranha.

Zombies!

2011-03-02T23:56:00.000-05:00

Well, zombie ants.

EEEEEKKKKK!!!!

The Apocalypse Is Here. No, Not Talking About Politics.

2011-02-26T13:01:00.000-05:00

Who saw Ghost Rider? Not a lot of people, and the same amount of viewers, give or take a few, thought it ranked up there with Daredevil and the Nick Hammond Spider-Man movies as a piece of shit. So this was a tad bit unsettling.
http://www.showbizspy.com/article/223817/nicolas-cage-gushes-about-ghost-rider.html

Really?!? There was some sort of outcry for THIS? Please tell me Eva Mendes was smart enough to avoid this after such gems as The Other Guys and The Spirit(worst film ever- I'll get to that another time). Please, no. I guess it's too late. And I'll watch it, if for no other reason than to give you an educated warning. You're welcome in advance.And just so you enjoy a few seconds of Nikki Cage inanity...

The Nightmare On Elm Street Remake

2011-02-25T15:38:00.000-05:00

I have a pet peeve. Uninspired, poorly conceived, over-budgeted remakes of films, which in many cases were genuinely entertaining reels of pure charm that didn't require retooling. The Wicker Man immediately comes to mind (though watching Nickie Cage punch a woman and stealing her bike while wearing a bear suit holds a small space in my heart). I watched the new Nightmare the other day, and it's taken time to make any impression in me at all. Those of you who know me also understand that leaving me befuddled is quite difficult, so suffice it to say, Congrats on confusing me! Now level-headed, I can safely say that this film shouldn't have been made. It stars Jackie Earle Haley as the new Freddy, and some teens. This film bored the shit out of me, not because of a lack of gore, but a lack of ANYTHING. It's a car slowly rolling down a slightly inclined empty street. When and if it finally picks up steam, who gives a fuck. Haley does his best Rorschack again, with a preposterous mask. Note to Hollywood: learn from the Chucky films. If you want people to laugh at your villain, make him noticeably shorter than his victims. It's hilarious. Haley looks about three feet tall. Watch Elm St #3 instead, there's lots to like there...like this!

Even Homeless Guys Would Get Sick Of This.

2011-02-24T10:51:00.001-05:00

http://www.nytimes.com/pages/garden/index.html
Could you imagined if these lines the streets? I got sick with agita just looking at these shitbombs. Apparently Mr. Diedricksen hasn't heard of this little this called FUCKING CLAUSTROPHOBIA! If he were trying to be cute, this would be an entirely different matter. He's not. He uses these mini-monstrosities, and I'm sure as shit that he'll look to sell the rights to them. These are furnished coffins! For $1600 more, I get:
1) a toilet 2) a shower 3) a fucking bedroom 4) an office 5) a full living room 6) room for my fucking wife! 7) most importantly, the opportunity to not have a weirdo pick up my house while I'm sleeping and toss me into the East River. Or to beat off outside my curtainless window while I sleep. I pay someone to do that now.
As my teachers would say to me as a youngster, "For someone so smart, Diedricksen, you can be SOOOOOO fucking stupid". If you need to get away from your wife and kids this bad, GET A DIVORCE. I love the 4x4 trap he built for his little brat that has a cute dinosaur face on it. Way to dress up the kiddie prison, my man! Someone should lock him in one of these for 2 weeks. I'm gonna go take $200 and buy an XBox.

My Wife Loves Mal. A LOT.

2011-02-23T15:04:00.000-05:00

And she would love it if Firefly, the doomed sci-fi wonder-series from Joss Whedon (I always get yelled at for saying Josh. Sorry.) were brought back for another season, or a movie, or a mini-series...or just showed up at the house! If you have never seen Firefly, or know little about it, it's a sci-fi western! Yee-haw! It was doomed by Fox(figures) immediately by being relegated to Friday nights, also known as the "death slot", where shows go to die. Here's a clip!

So now, Nathan Fillion has sent dorkdom ablaze with geek lust by suggesting that he would buy the series if he could and revive the franchise. Here's the resulting story!
http://blogs.forbes.com/insertcoin/2011/02/23/how-much-would-you-pay-for-another-season-of-firefly/

It's a great show. You should watch it. It's only 11 episodes. Do it.

For My Friends Who Said That Citizens United Ruling Hadn't Had Any Effect Yet.

2011-02-22T17:31:00.000-05:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/22/us/22koch.html?smid=fb-nytimes&WT.mc_id=US-SM-E-FB-SM-LIN-KBM-022211-NYT-NA&WT.mc_ev=click

It has had a huge effect. These guys bought Scott Walker's governorship. Now they are quite openly and directly attacking the working classes, a great deal of whom voted for Walker like blind children. The idea that Walker, as reported on Fox "News", is only carrying out his announced agenda, is ludicrous. Using a sweeping generalization like "balancing the budget" doesn't allow a public official the right to use said language as an umbrella under which the official (and his financiers) can group all sinister schemes. I had better be careful with my language; an assault on free speech cannot be far behind...not to be a Chicken Little, but the sky IS falling, and we are all screwed.

Dogs That Look Like Sad Ratty Mops Can Trigger Childhood Memories!

2011-02-19T13:29:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, you forget the events which molded you into the person whom, for better or for worse(shut up, heathen naysayers!), you have become. I, as a young lad, developed a fondness for a heroic pseudo-reptilian, radioactive hero named Godzilla. Maybe you've heard of him.
As an adult, I had all but forgotten the tumult of fire-breathing goofiness with which I would layer my Saturdays as a geek in Queens with no friends and a twin brother who I abhorred. The last installment of Godzilla films which I have treated myself to were the lampooned version of Godzilla vs. Megalon of MST3K, and the original Gojira (Godzilla was a statement on the atrocities perpetrated by the US Government on an already-decimated Japan, and the anger of a people against their rogue dictator, HiroHito).
Today as I walked up and down the hurricane streets of Grammercy trying to keep my dog's pee from splashing my face in the gusts of winter, I chanced upon the saddest Corgi I had ever seen. It was old, but also grey, sad and wildly untrimmed. As a green river flowed through and under its raggedy coat, it resembled an old, used dust mop with a dog's head. In, fact, it looked like...The SMOG MONSTER!!!

If you have never had the chance to see Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster, I strongly urge you to do so. Not only is it a wacky environmental film which will make your green thumb throb, but it's a representation of young hip Japanese culture...covered in a tar-like substance, then turned into science lab skeletons. And Godzilla punches THROUGH the motherfucker!!!This film rocks. It's also known as Godzilla vs. Hedora. Enjoy the MST3K clip also.

Read Titivil and other fun blogs I like!

2011-02-18T13:50:00.000-05:00

Titivil is a well-written blog by Awl.com writer Brent Cox. He's a smarmy cat and I appreciate his curmudgeon-y viewpoints. I love curmudgeon-i-ness?!?
www.titivil.com

MIBKzine.com features works by Brooklyn authors for the Brooklynites and the world community!
www.mibkzine.com

What other shameless self-promotion can I do...visit me at the Abbey bar? Nah...ah, yes! My wife is a writer for examiner.com as well! Read!
http://www.examiner.com/love-and-marriage-in-new-york/jessica-oesterle?CID=examiner_alerts_index

Check my new list of blogs I subscribe to as a reference point for area writers/bloggers!

From the streets of Cairo to...WISCONSIN?!?

2011-02-17T16:32:00.001-05:00

The protests of the Egyptian people led to the usurping of their wicked despot, Hosni Mubarak. So why wouldn't it work for the people of Bahrain? Yemen? Wisconsin?
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110217/ap_on_re_us/us_wisconsin_budget_unions

Yep, the people of the land of cheddar and Titletown are so pissed, they've already Brett Farved Gov. Walker en masse, as 25,000 of them so far have shown up at the capital to get him to pay attention to their demands...and the balls they've got. Except, in America, no matter how big the protest (or balls) of your constituents, you still, as a representative of said people, get to do what YOU want. In the words of Yakov Smirnoff, "What a country!"
A special thanks to the 14 Democrats who showed that by fleeing the scene, you can actually have balls! Hooray, Democrats with balls!!!

Just The Beginning of Republicans Attacking Their Constituents' Rights In the Name of Democracy and Reduced Spending

2011-02-16T16:01:00.000-05:00

You rule, people of Wisconsin, for coming out to defend yourselves. Yet, if this passes, you had better respond in the polls in 2012. Why? Because if you voted for these guys, you're responsible. Oops.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_wisconsin_budget_unions;_ylt=AlNoMV59Hrc8Q96z2TLySvK2GL8C;_ylu=X3oDMTNlY3NvNDF2BGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTEwMjE2L3VzX3dpc2NvbnNpbl9idWRnZXRfdW5pb25zBGNjb2RlA21wX2VjXzhfMTAEY3BvcwMxBHBvcwMxBHNlYwN5bl90b3Bfc3RvcmllcwRzbGsDdGhvdXNhbmRzcHJv

Normally I would think this was AWESOME.

2011-02-15T13:51:00.002-05:00

http://technolog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/02/11/6034591-detroit-robocop-statue-could-be-reality-thanks-to-internet
If Michigan were not in the midst of unemployment hovering around 15%, as well as a self-proclaimed financial crisis, I would consider this a great success. If Milwaukee can have a statue of fucking Fonzie, why not Detroit with its legendary imaginary law enforcer? Or, maybe this $50,000 could have been donated to a neighborhood homeless shelter. Or a school. Well done. Maybe a giant statue of Ted Nugent would be better. The money would probably come from the NRA and the Michigan Militia instead. Stop encouraging poor people to do ridiculous things with their cash, like buy Shake Weights, Flowbees and George W. Bush commemorative Mission Accomplished! coins from the Franklin Mint.

Happy V-Day

2011-02-14T17:09:00.000-05:00

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-february-14-2007/must-love-dogma?xrs=synd_facebook

Remember the war we're still in? Blame this guy.

2011-02-13T15:27:00.000-05:00

Anyone who makes McNamara look less sinister deserves to be tarred and feathered. Period.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/13/opinion/13dowd.html?hp
And in case you forgot who McNamara was...

The one big difference? McNamara has an understanding of what he had done, and how many lives he was responsible for extinguishing. Rumsfeld will take any guilt to his grave.

Mubarak steps down...to where?

2011-02-11T13:26:00.000-05:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/12/world/middleeast/12egypt.html?_r=1&hp

It is important to note that the mere act of "stepping down" so can be purely ceremonial. For those of you who still wonder why Vladimir Putin is still involved in Russian politics: Putin also "stepped down" and took on the role of Prime Minister, "offered" to him by the new President, Dmitry Medvedev. Appearances can be deceiving. Hosni Mubarak's successor is handpicked by Mubarak, not a member of the protesting opposition party. The military is assuming power through Mr. Suleiman, and history has shown that the military is rarely more democratic than a solitary dictator(e.g. Musharraf in Pakistan).The people of Egypt are hysterical, which is great. However, this has all the makings of pissing in the wind: a moment of relief followed by sheer, gross horror. What steps are in place to keep Mubarak from using Suleiman as a puppet, or of the military doing the same? There is only the Sauron's eye of the West, the U.S., to oversee change, as we are always full of fresh threats to "maintain" peace. This time, though, we are relatively indifferent, as the Egyptian people seem to be putting up enough pressure of their own. One can only wonder, to what gain?

So...I took a week off...

2011-02-08T19:00:00.000-05:00

And in that time, the "new" Spidee musical has been reviewed!
http://theater.nytimes.com/2011/02/08/theater/reviews/spiderman-review.html?hp=&pagewanted=2

This is possibly the worst review I have ever read for a new musical. At least since Steel Pier.

Pundits Are Dumber Than Their Constituents. Here's Proof.

2011-02-02T16:38:00.000-05:00

Bill O'Reilly has used the phenomena of tidal activity as "empirical" scientific evidence of the existence of God. When Mr. O'Reilly's theory is questioned, he lets off a major brain fart. An astronomy novice responds. Well put, young man.

The individuals who we look to for news, as well as the "experts" they employ, are not proficient in all fields of study, but more likely just moderately familiar with one (if we're lucky). Bill O'Reilly isn't a physicist or astronomer. He's a God-fearing dunce who used loud noises to overthrow logic. Even a novice astronomer can easily defeat O'Reilly's simple retort. In high school debating, we used to laugh at the "prove it wrong" crowd, explaining with no success that just saying, "Well then tell me why?" is not an effective defense against facts and logic.Unfortunately, there are plenty of viewers who take his word for it, and do not seek their own facts or logic. He is their erroneous encyclopedia and bible.
O'Reilly is wrong in one more statement he makes. Being an atheist does NOT take more faith than believing in a God, it takes more courage. Believing in a magic sky friend who sees all you do, and punishes you for being bad by sending you to Hell...but loves you, takes tons of faith; it also needs no logic to support.And Bill O'Reilly is ANYTHING but logical.

The Fountain

2011-02-01T18:53:00.000-05:00

This is a call to all of you who have seen Darren Aronofsky's auspicious film, The Fountain, and didn't quite enjoy it, to give it another chance. The soundtrack, by Aronofsky's mainstay, Clint Mansell, is deeply moving and affecting, adding extra sentimentality to a striking, original story. The film moves between the reality of a doctor engaged in a struggle to save his dying wife(Rachel Weisz), a fantasy she has created which revolves around Mayan legend, and a future where an obsessed Dr. Creo (played brilliantly by Hugh Jackman) attempts to reanimate his wife, eons after her death. The film on the surface deals with the pain of loss, and the obsession we have with cheating death, as opposed to enjoying our short time alive.
Aronofsky had originally cast Brad Pitt in the lead in 2000, but Pitt dropped out to make the turdburger, Troy. Cate Blanchett was also cast, but while waiting for her to give birth, the film and its original $70 million budget were dropped. Aronofsky returned a few years later with a budget half its size. The stunning visual effects were created using, literally, oil in water, and macro photography, and the film was made on the cheap. I implore you, whether you've seen it or not, to give this film a chance.

Finally...an award worth celebrating!

2011-01-30T12:01:00.001-05:00

I wanted to take this opportunity to congratulate Ernest Borgnine on his being awarded the SAG(Screen Actors Guild) Lifetime Achievement Award. Few are more worthy. I may even try to find a bar which will show it so I can watch this historic moment.

Smells like an Ernest Borgnine marathon on the horizon...

We're Doomed.

2011-01-29T12:57:00.000-05:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/28/opinion/28krugman.html?src=me&ref=general

How can a country survive when the government is full of people who don't know how to run...a government? Or don't know what's happening anywhere else? If a plan is proving to fail in another country, how can anyone say, "Well, that won't happen here, because...we're America!"
We're doomed. Prepare the lifeboats, people, this ship is taking in water.
Just watch this.

Feel better? No! Then watch this at 9pm tonight!

Yesssssss...

Hardware

2011-01-28T20:38:00.000-05:00

Back in 1990, NC-17 was adopted as a way of replacing the stigma of a triple X rating. The first films to be labeled were Henry & June and Hardware. Back when I first saw Hardware, I thought it was, if anything, unique. However, I was also a teenager, and failed to examine (or, unfortunately, remember) some of the more gruesome elements. Set in a radioactive apocalyptic future, there really isn't much of a story in the film. A guy buys a robot head for his girlfriend, which in turn becomes a killing machine and kills all her friends, neighbors and loved ones. However, though I had first thought it earned its rating through a graphic sex scene or extra-violent death, it was more likely the robot's killer metal penis, which it tries to use on said girlfriend...or the gross sexual rape fantasies of her neighbor...or maybe because it's just utterly pointless and crude, as well as offensive. Usually I tell readers to see something that is bad. Today I tell you, avoid this confusing, pointless, and demeaning and downright grotesque abomination.

Did The Blob NEED A Sequel?

2011-01-27T17:28:00.000-05:00

The original Blob, starring a young Steve McQueen, was an honestly scary, inventive horror film. What makes this film terrifying isn't simply the idea of being digested by a space creature. This creature's only drive is hunger, and cannot be reasoned with, bargained with, or destroyed(it is frozen, but not dead).
Oddly, Beware! The Blob!, the horrible sequel directed by JR Ewing himself, Larry Hagman, has none of this horror. What's horrible, you ask? Well, the ethnic stereotyping, poor acting, and strange soundtrack, for starters. What really threw me was the injection of COMEDY. There are poorly conceived, overacting comic foils. What disturbed me the most was the comic blunders followed quite succinctly by THEIR GRUESOME DEATHS!!!

I recommend this film for its sheer lack of tact, as well as for watching really goofy death scenes(like the death of a guy in a gorilla suit who drives INTO the blob...) .

Now That My Olbermann Bereavement Has Ended...

2011-01-26T17:47:00.000-05:00

Wow. So Paul Ryan has the debating skills of a 14-year-old. I remember being in high school (though it was so long ago), debating some less confident teens. One of the most prevalent characteristics of a poor debater is the tendency to stick to their prepared script, regardless of the initial presenter's (known as affirmative speaker) presentation. You debaters out there know what I mean! Now watch him speak, as I'm sure most of you ignored him.

Seriously, dude, sometimes being too prepared means you are UNprepared. These are all blanket statements, as if the President didn't speak. They should do away with this antiquated tradition. The SOTU is the Prez's hour in the sun, and doesn't need a response. The opposition has ALL FUCKING YEAR to respond. They just look like fools. Now watch this: it will cheer you up.

You're welcome.

A Chilling, Abrupt Goodbye

2011-01-22T15:18:00.000-05:00

Last night, Keith Olbermann resigned his position as the bastion of news for the center, left of center and far, far left of center. With his departure (and the purchase of NBC Universal by Comcast), MSNBC will more than likely move towards straight news; news which Mr.Olbermann more than alluded to after the Supreme Court ruling, Citizens United vs. FEC. Olbermann knew that he would become a victim in advance of the changes which very well mat take place in the near future. Here is an excerpt from his show, which I highly recommend, as first re-posted by my boy Casey:

As a culture which has gone from active protest to Facebook protest, we are in deep, deep shit.

2+2=1.1 Trillion Dollars?

2011-01-21T21:05:00.000-05:00

Great Krugman Op-Ed on Health Care Reform. Every time my ankle hurts I curse a Republican.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/17/opinion/17krugman.html?_r=1

Few Movies Make Me Want The World To Actually End...

2011-01-20T14:36:00.000-05:00

I watched 2012 last night. Just so we are absolutely clear, the world will not suddenly end next year. You want proof? Waste two and a half hours watching the Hollywood interpretation of the Mayan "prophecy". Between solar flares and tectonic plate moving and tsunamis and giant fucking volcanos and Amanda Peet's really fucking annoying screeching, you will want everything to DIE.
By the way, if the Mayans were so good at predicting the future, why were they all SLAUGHTERED BY SURPRISE?!?
I need a drink...

Some Bad News For Those Of Us Who Still Have Trouble With The Remote...

2011-01-18T21:53:00.000-05:00

http://blog.movies.yahoo.com/blog/432-netflix-is-abandoning-dvds-customers-who-prefer-dvds

I am old-fashioned. No, not the I-used-to-pay-5-cents-for-a-hot-dog-and-it-was-HUGE old-fashioned. The kind that opens the door for his wife EVERY time. I am, however, also the guy who loves to have a library of books, and one of DVDs (I still have VHS tapes) to reference. In order to find some real gems, as in really bad yet good films, you have to search through countless $5 DVD bins to find The Devil's Rain. Or, you can go to Ebay and find someone selling it for $40( supply and demand sucks balls). Netflix has allowed many of us to see a few of these hilariously terrible films on DVD, with a few streaming selections. However, the streaming selection is mostly from 1995-present, where horror lost its camp value (with the exception of some SciFi original films), and are rarely revised with new, bad, old films. So to hear that I can no longer order DVDs in the near future was depressing to me, as it has become increasingly difficult to find these bad films, now that most video sales and rental stores have faltered. Gone are the bargain basements and sale racks full of goodies like The Beast Must Die, replaced by 500 copies of Crank II: High Voltage. Help me. Write Netflix and tell them what a terrible idea it is to cut out the elderly and the electronically handicapped. And the old schoolers. Help fight the death of the DVD, at least for a little while...

More Italian Horror Than Their Parliament Can Provide!

2011-01-17T23:46:00.000-05:00

I'm on an Italian Horror kick. It had been a long time since I had seen Suspiria, long considered on of Dario Argento's masterpieces. I watched it again today, as my leg is tattered from a nasty fall on the ice, and I really have nothing else to do. In Suspiria, a dancer comes to a ballet school where a coven of witches reside. Sounds simple, right? It's not. Suspiria is by no means perfect. Sometimes Argento falls so in love with scene music that it becomes overwhelming, and the acting can be pretty awful. Argento tells the story without adding 20 baffling scenes of violence or gore.That isn't to say that lots of scenes of gore are bad( See Drag Me To Hell). Argento's films follow a linear and consistent pace, building the mood. There are plenty of legitimately suspenseful scenes with violence, gore, and "honest fright". By honest fright, I mean that a scene can be scary without shocking you. For instance, in the two versions of The Ring, the director(same for both films) adds a more gory, horrific dead teen, and more startling imagery in the VHS scene, to shock the American audience(hopefully by now you've seen it). The original Japanese version uses mood and plot to add the suspense, and injects mysticism into the mix, which terrifies Japanese audiences! I recommend both of these versions, as well as Suspiria. Now, to ice down my ankle...

This City Used To Suck. I Miss Those Times.

2011-01-14T12:03:00.000-05:00

My wife scolds me often when I revel in the memory of a dangerous, forgotten old New York. The New York which mugged me four times. The New York where making it home after midnight on the subway was a challenge; an adventure that few dared to embark on, as the chances of survival were slim. Certain neighborhoods weren't off limits, but they should have been. Crime syndicates controlled blocks in all five boroughs, blocks where cops dared not flash a badge. As opposed to modern times, when most crime comes from City Hall or the State Senate, crime was blue collar.It was in your face, not your bank account or turning a blind eye to your skyrocketing rent.
Few films succeeded in depicting the level of lawlessness like State of Grace, from 1990. I watch a lot of terrible films, but I can only watch them one, maybe two times before the wonder is lost. I've seen this film about 30 times. State of Grace is by no means perfect; it's a little long, and after a while, you wonder if there were ANY cops in NY. Having had unmarked police cars show up at my doorstep to respond to a crime (we had been shot at) , I can vouch for its gritty accuracy. This film embraces the beginning of the end of Hell's Kitchen, the Irish mob territory now called "Clinton" (fuck that name). This is a gripping, harrowing, well acted crime drama, and I recommend it. Watch it with another of my favorites, King of New York. I'll save that post for another day.

The Church

2011-01-12T18:26:00.000-05:00

No, not THE Church, but The Church, a mid-80's Italian horror film penned by Dario Argento. I was shocked that I was thoroughly captivated by the premise, surrounding Templars from the Crusades, Satan, witches and an Italian cathedral. There are many elements to a good horror film which modern cinema chooses to spit on. Good horror films do not make a love story the central story. I mean, when you're being chased by Freddy Kreuger, do you really at any time wanna fuck the shit out of somebody?!? I mean, c'mon, kids, keep it in your pants! Also, if you have sex in a horror film, whether you know there is a monster or not, YOU ARE DEAD MEAT! Thirdly, the first handsome man and pretty lady you see DOES NOT have to be the hero. Finally, fatal flaws work wonders for plot and character development (i.e. curiosity, lust, etc.) ,even in characters you like! People love vices, like the detective who pounds Sambucas while eating eight Italian sausages covered in cocaine but solves the crime! Hooray!
The Church presents these elements within a creative story arc which I thoroughly enjoyed, and I strongly recommend it. Disclaimer: All 80's horror films maintain a modicum of kitsch cheesiness! In the case of Italian horror, there's usually plenty of it to go around.

Lighter fare...yes, it's a pun.

2011-01-11T16:09:00.000-05:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/12/nyregion/12taxi.html?_r=1&hp

Here's an idea! Work with the union on changing shift starting and ending times!
Anybody get the feeling that all of Bloomberg's issues are bubbling up? I wonder...will an article detailing the 100% rent increase during his administration be next?!?
Don't hold your breath.

Ignorance II: Electric Boogaloo

2011-01-10T13:47:00.000-05:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/11/us/11radio.html?_r=1&hp

There is a perfectly sound reason why "controversial" radio hosts are so outrageously defending themselves: because being reasonable would put them out of work. If a host started weeping in an honest, guilty, blubbering tirade, the show's base would be turned off...and tune out. Before you judge the individuals here, remember: yes, they go WAY too far in their outrage and hate-mongering. But there are many individuals behind them authorizing, and in most case dictating the action, a puppeteer handling the marionette, and an even greater number of listeners demanding that their wildest fears and prejudices be incited. An outpouring of outrage, which is NOT what is happening in Arizona (quite the contrary, people are denouncing the sheriff for comments denouncing the culture of hatred) would possibly make station execs do some soul-searching. Maybe they would adjust the programming...

Sadly that's not gonna happen, because that's not what people want to happen. They like the program. Otherwise, would Glenn Beck have a job? Would anybody have shown up in D.C. to support him?
We're doomed. I'm gonna go reread Eric Bogosian's Talk Radio before work. I'd tell you to watch it, but it would depress you.

The Consequence of Ignorance

2011-01-09T14:24:00.001-05:00

This is the link to an MSNBC interview with Congresswoman Giffords nine months ago:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=9168027318437123372046bo92a4

More on Sarah Palin's target map:
http://www.commondreams.org/headline/2011/01/09-0

Before we get ahead of ourselves and start calling for her head, it is important to take a step back and recognize that there is no direct correlation between the Arizona shooting and the crosshairs place over Giffords' district. Palin did not pull a trigger and shoot a Congresswoman. No mention of violence is ever made in connection to the map and no one is told to commit acts of violence(or told not to).
However, Palin is a representation of the change in American political rhetoric, as mentioned in the first news clip. The political climate has become too hot, as members of both parties shoot hate speech instead of intelligently discuss the state of their union. Ms. Palin is at the forefront of this rhetorical metamorphosis.
Palin's camp released a response to the growing backlash over their map, just hours after removing it from their website; nine months after the windows of Congresswoman Giffords' office had been either shot or smashed.Her camp asserts no direct link between this man and her camp, and they're probably right. They also emphasize that there is no mention of physically attacking Congresspersons.
But having a "direct" link doesn't need to be emphasized when you are a public figure. We ALL have a link to Palin's pandering to the tea party,her attacks on wildlife, and to her target map. The first responsible party is the shooter. But as my wise friend Sam mentioned in a post today, "Freedom of Speech is NOT freedom from the consequences of your speech".
The consequence of Palin's rhetoric should not be the death of six innocent people, including a child. It should be the revocation of her pulpit. Email your news organizations and condemn their consistent reporting of Palin's every bowel movement, every insincere eye twitch or "You betcha". Palin's rhetorical shit show is only as powerful as the number of hits it gets, and the number of times it's mentioned and referenced. And do your best to convince your families and friends to cast their vote for ANYONE ELSE BUT HER (lots of them are Republicans, I know. I've heard your laments). Maybe holding up a picture of an innocent, murdered Arizona child while you plead your case will do the trick. It's worth a shot. No, not a gunshot.

I needed this today so I wouldn't go insane.

2011-01-08T13:15:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8beHUQbIC8A&p=2B6A0E6B3E60F49C

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Sfvntr0Bmg&feature=related

You're welcome.

Why Sometimes Staying In At Night When You Don't Have To Can Be Good

2011-01-07T13:09:00.000-05:00

1. For All The Really Stupid Things We Do At Home.We all do stupid things that in the course of our lives make no sense or difference. Like reading an old MAD magazine, or watching Warlock: Armageddon. Or writing gangsta rap haiku. Knitting makes more sense than these, or reading a real book.But we mostly do those things before 1AM. Stupid things are for late night, and fill us with a sense of awkward accomplishment.
2. To Avoid Doing All The Stupid Things We Do When We Leave. My mom, a ne'er-do-bad who is scared to leave her home past 4pm, once told me in her best Brooklynese, " Joseph, nothing good ever happens between 2 and 4 in da morning". My mom is wrong about a lot of things, but she's right on target here. As a bartender and drinker, I can tell you, NOTHING good EVER happens after two in the morning. Whatever we do is really stupid. Like trying to toss bags of garbage across Bedford Ave. Or fighting a guy twice your size. I've been mugged 4 times in my life. Three of those times were between 2 and 4am.
3. Cops Hate Late Night Stragglers: This is kind of self-explanatory. No place on Earth is worse late night or on weekends than Brooklyn Central Booking. On the weekends, they get to keep you until a judge shows up. That would be called Monday. So two days with Bloods and Latin Kings. Just so you know: they hate you more.
4. Most Fights Occur At Night: And if it's late enough, and you're drunk enough, you'll lose. They're probably bigger and stronger than you. Fighting at night often combines at least two of the last three contentions, which makes you bold and dumb. So stagger-step away from altercations. Or go home and do something house-stupid; like making IPod playlists or hanging shirts. At least they won't be covered in your blood.
5. That Person You Just Met? Not Your Future Spouse. Chances are when you wake up the next day and look over at your paramour from last night, they smell pretty bad. And you weren't meant for each other. You should know each other's name first before you come up with that assumption. Love at first sight only counts when you can see straight. And remember seeing. Everyone is interesting when you're hammered. After a while, nothing's lonelier and more painful than one-night-stands.

These, by the way, are "do as I say, not as I do" contentions. See you at 2am! Wooooo!!!

There is no better proof of what Jon Stewart alluded to: news pundits are fucking morons

2011-01-06T17:01:00.000-05:00

http://www.ontheredcarpet.com/Kirk-Cameron-cant-explain-dead-birds--but-can-teach-you-about-God/7883603&rss=rss-kabc-ent_story-7883603

If I have a problem with a hard-on, I'm not gonna ask Bob Dole. If I have a problem with flying piranha, I'm not gonna call James Cameron. So when I have a problem with birds falling from the sky and millions of dying fish, I'm gonna call...Kirk Fucking Cameron? Why not call Hilary Swank, too!
Fucking morons.

Basket Case

2011-01-04T19:14:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite guilty pleasure films of all time, which I watch frequently, is Basket Case, the story of unrequited love and revenge. A boy is born with a deformed Siamese twin on his side. His father, angered over the loss of his wife during childbirth, convinces two docs and a vet to remove the living deformed thing from his otherwise normal son. Both survive, and Belial, the mutant son who looks like ball of muscle with a face, wishes to take revenge on those who had cast him aside.
All seriousness aside, I love this movie for its panoramic shots of NYC from when I was a boy, and its complete ridiculousness. Enjoy the love interest and her gi-normous wig! Gaze in horror at the hero's pee-pee as he runs through downtown at night! Gasp in horror at the layer of black smog that once served as a heat dome over Manhattan Island! This is a perfect bad movie! Watch it! You must!

Laserblast

2011-01-02T20:37:00.000-05:00

Hot on the heels of Star Wars came a serious influx of terrible, charmless, superbly cheesy sci-fi films. Some were sexploitation films, like the Dorothy Stratton vehicle, Galaxina. Others, like Laserblast, excluded sex. In fact, Laserblast excludes almost anything pleasurable. A team of lizard bounty hunters kill an escapee in the California desert, leaving behind a strange grenade-like (if only it WAS a grenade) pendant and a laser cannon (GET IT...LASER-BLAST?!?). The whiniest teen in America finds it, turns into a zombie upon using said cannon, and subsequently seeks revenge on all of his enemies. Once lampooned by MST3K, Laserblast is what Mark Hamill's Corvette Summer should have been. I would watch them back-to-back...if I felt supremely bored. Now that the holidays are officially flushed down the crapper, you've got plenty of time to enjoy them.

One of the goofiest films I have seen in while followed by onw of the worst...ever.

2011-01-01T19:03:00.000-05:00

I recently checked out the horror section of Netflix to find some new wonderfully bad films. I never thought I would find a gem like The Deadly Spawn or a total turd like The Evil Spawn.
The Deadly Spawn begins like most good horror films do: with immediate action. When you finish reading this, think for a minute about the terrible films you've seen over your lifetime (not including the ones I told you to see). How many of them began with hyper-extended plots and unnecessary filler, like a Dickens novel in space? How many of the good films tried to grab you immediately, setting a qiockened and exhilarating pace? Well, though I'm not listing The Deadly Spawn as a "good" film, it kept me watching with the right amount of (mind you,sometimes unsettling and excessive) gore and suspense. Will the kid/hero get eaten? How many people will die? Why does the beast have three separate heads with eyes? The ending is absolutely, ridiculously awesome. I recommend it. Watch it the same way as you would Nightbeast, if not back-to-back! It's streaming!
For the love of the magic sky friend, Jeebus, DO NOT EVER WATCH THE EVIL SPAWN!!! It takes a lot for me to walk away from a film. I sat through Save the Last Dance, for fuck's sake! This film was too much for me. After five minutes of promising, yet terrible special monster "effects", the monsters disappear. For an hour. Just unnecessary and excruciating exposition remains, regarding a failed aging movie actress and a preposterously evil weird lady. Oh, yeah, lest I forget, also included in this shitbomb is a soon-to-be-dead, post-stroke John Carradine in a cameo that just made me sad. Avoid it. I mean it. Or if you watch it, tell me how it ends. I refuse to go back.

A Drinker's Lament

2010-12-31T15:59:00.000-05:00

Those of you who have been reading along this past month know the sadness I have felt over the demise of my favorite bar, The Stoned Crow. As a 20-year patron about to lose his watering hole, I feel the need to share this pain as a means to reaching catharsis.
As one enters the Stoned Crow, on the side street of Washington Place in Greenwich Village, they are immediately greeted by a large, long bar to their right, surrounded by posters and photos from TV and film from the last century. After buying a drink, they move to the back, where up a few steps sits the best bar pool table in New York (Sorry, Barfly denizens) , with more posters lining the tall ceiling and tables and chairs scattered about. A single cushioned chair stands alone by the table, at times filled by the bar's owner, Betty, who at times oversees and directs the flow of pool traffic and the implementation of bar rules. She does this with curmudgeon-y grace, screaming at new drinkers to "Get their beer away from her table!" and "Don't jump the ball!".
I returned to the Stoned Crow last night to say my goodbyes, and for a short while, accompanied by a few friends who feel the same as I do, there was something familiar about the bar; something which many of you feel about different bars which you frequent. We silently, fondly remembered the last 15-20 years where we grew up together, laughed as we injured ourselves physically and emotionally. We played pool and drank shots as if we owned the place, scowling at the loud hippie who accompanied the newer regulars who had replaced us years ago. We counted ourselves lucky for the friends we made and will keep for our waning lives, and those that we had lost, and had a drink in their behest. And then it was all gone; we were slowly being ushered out the door because Betty was tired, Donnie was annoyed that Tom, the shittiest bartender of recorded history, was still working, though his shift had ended 4 hours earlier, and I almost murdered that hippie fuck. What the bar had become was obviously foreign to us now, and we were glad to leave it as a fond memory.
To you drinkers out there, let this be a cautionary tale. If you love your local bar, embrace it fully, drinking its wondrous filth from the floor as if it were your essence. Change will infect it, and bars come and go, so hold onto your friends and memories that you garnered along the way, for they will travel with you until your dying day, keeping the good times alive. But above all, cherish your local until that day comes, for bars like the Stoned Crow are getting rarer. Happy New Year.

Good and Bad Party films just in time for New Year's!

2010-12-29T17:19:00.000-05:00

Well, it's almost time for New Year's Eve. For those of us in the service industry, this is a night we dread almost as much as if we were not working and among the throngs of over-intoxicated swarms who spill out of parties in the middle of the night and terrorize our locals. So in honor of them, here are some party films which are worth watching if you decide to be safe and stay home, only imagining what could have, but most likely, would not have occurred had you ventured out.
Cloverfield: I love this movie. I know, I'm in a minority, but it holds a special place in my heart as it tugged at my post-9/11 stress disorder quite effectively. My buddy Stu and I walked out of the theater with the urge to run through Manhattan's cold, dark streets. And with a mutual hatred of house parties. The characters are perfect as vapid, grating Manhattanites caught trapped between their own vapidness and a giant tentacled monster. Great monster movie. The party scene will remind you why you stay in Brooklyn!
Night of the Demons: I love this terrible 80's film. Six kids get together on Halloween to raid an abandoned mansion, and find it more haunted than their libidos. Watch really bad dance numbers, grisly yet awful death scenes, and a heroine that will bore you into sheer disdain! Watch as the poor man's Richard Grieco (I know, wasn't he the poor man's somebody or other?!?) plods through the film as the worst tough guy in history! You'll love it!
The Vampire Happening: What happens when you cast a Playboy playmate in a madcap 70's comedy about vampires, with Dracula veteran Ferdy Mayne and a really strange over-the-top flamboyant gay man! Nothing good! Goofy sidekicks and horny vampire priests only further harm the viewer as they wait for the next breast flash! Watch if you dare!
Love At First Bite: No one parties like George Fucking Hamilton! This film is funny for those who love campy 70's comedy (e.g.The Vampire Happening, if it were funny ). This is the palest Hamilton ever was in his life, and thought the film doesn't quite hold up so well to modern comedic sensibility, I still love it for its brazen cheesiness, and can watch it over and over again...with the right medication, of course.

Some Real Gems From Michigan

2010-12-25T22:56:00.000-05:00

So, while stranded in Michigan for another day, I can only hope that there are more of these absolute gems from people who shall remain anonymous...you know who you are...
"How OLD is this salt?!?"- after tasting a newly salted treat. Salt doesn't really change much. Or spoil. Let's try this answer! "Ummm...about 6 million YEARS old."
"Was Hitler his first name or his last name?" - a real question about Adolf Hitler. Wow.
"(Anonymous dog name), no dice! I mean bark!"
"I haven't cried in a movie in 20 years, but No End In Sight brought me to my knees!" Yep, it was about as moving as The Bridges of Madison County. Or Madonna's version of Evita. Sigh.
"Thank you for calling American Airlines. Our associates are assisting other customers..." after three hours.
"So, is Palin DONE yet?" Sadly...no. Not as long as there are deer to be murdered for political gain.
Me-"It's my tradition to stay up on Xmas Eve and get hammered. Will you stay up with me?" Wife, who shall remain anonymous-"ZZZZZZZZZZZ" Dog who shall remain anonymous "ZZZZZZZZZZZ" Sigh. Such is life. Merry Xmas.

The Worst Santa Films Ever.

2010-12-23T20:30:00.000-05:00

Bah Humbug, bitches! These trying times have reminded me of one Santa film which righteously, outright sucks, and another whose existence confuses the hell out of me. I don't get confused that often.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, lampooned by Mystery Science Theater 3000, tells the awful tale of Santa, as he confounds the Martian people! They plan to steal Santa so he can bring cheer to Martian children! Oh, but he's a clever minx, and he runs circles around these technologically advanced fuckers! Droppo, a Martian Jerry Lewis/Victor Borge lovechild (without the piano skills...or acting skills for that matter) is given the task of comic foil; epic failure. Also, playing a really irritating ten-year-old girl is really irritating 80's D-list performer Pia Zadora in her first role. For added laughs, find and watch the MST3K version. It's one of their landmark episodes, containing the catchy tune, Let's All Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas.
Possibly one of the most confusing holiday films I have ever been blessed with perusing is Santa Claus: The Movie. Warning: most films which include The Movie as part of the title blow (eg. Tales From the Darkside: The Movie or Care Bears: The Movie. If you say Transformers: The Movie, we're no longer friends. Cause it rules.) Santa is played by Dave Huddleston, Mr. Lebowski to some, and isn't bad. John Lithgow is at his wonderfully campy villainous best. However, the issue with this film: Why does it even exist? Between a stunningly large budget for any 80's film, hypothermia death (not really for kids, but it's in there!) , explosive candy canes, overexpressive reindeer and a sober(?) Dudley Moore, this film is a complete shitshow from start to finish; a shitshow worth pounding a bottle of Four Loko and watching! One scene worth noting: a very adult Congressional Committee scene that harkens back to the 60's McCarthy AntiAmerican Committees, with the hilarious Mr. Lithgow, that makes this film slightly bearable, though confusing: this was for KIDS?!? Oh well. Have you NO sense of decency, Mr. Salkind? Have you no sense of DECENCY!

Holiday Travel

2010-12-22T22:14:00.023-05:00

Before three years ago, I had never travelled during the holidays. I had always stayed in New York in order to visit my mother, as well as pick up any work I could. Times have changed; I now share the holidays with my wife, flinging myself across this vast land to Michigan. I now get to experience the wonders of holiday travel that I had only heard of in legend.
Travel Bathrooms: One similarity I've noticed between airport and rest stop mens' rooms that perplexes me: why are all the handicapped stalls so fucked up?!? I don't get it. Are these malformed individuals slobs, or is it the mass of upright vagabonds that forget that there is a hole exposing a basin of disposable water for their dumping convenience? Gross. It was like walking into a Hubbel museum. Seriously. And why the multiple defecation rooms? It's not The Price Is Right! (I'll take door #2! Damn it, a wok!) I had more trouble getting out of the tiled maze than droppin' a deuce.
Architecture: I was amazed, as we passed through Ohio searching for a rest stop, at the intricate details of the mini-mall we now call rest stops. There was a fucking GAME ROOM under a rotunda and a food court. Granted, I haven't played Hydro Thunder in a while, but I wasn't planning on staying. You see, we were going somewhere. No need for the 5 fast food joints and a gift shop. Really? A gift shop? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I will get my mom a souvenir from scenic Akron if it kills me!!!
Travellers: Why, whether I've gone by air or land, am I exposed to the most inane dress code imaginable? Why dress your five-year-old like the groundskeeper from Caddyshack? Why wear fatigues and hunter orange? It's not even hunting season! What about the fleece jammie bottoms? You're still in wildly unsanitary public. Also, is it a requirement to wear the touristy Ohio sweatshirts as a team? It was like a hick Sparkle Motion! Even if you're from Ohio, guys? What happened to dressing either nice or comfy...or both? OMFG! Oh well, if you see something, say something!

Time to wrap shit for people. Tomorrow...Midwest shopping!!! Also, thanks for the 1000 hits in three weeks! I'm flattered. Spread the words...

What comes out during the holidays...

2010-12-21T17:53:00.000-05:00

During holidays seasons, sinister human/drinker subspecies make their ways to their neighborhood bars. Having consumed 17 shots of Goldschlager at their office parties, they are ready to spew forth flecks of ignorance and dance jigs of inanity...
The Weekend Warriors: These drinking folk normally spend two full days and nights pounding tequila, whiskey and white russians in that order with the fervor of a thirsty feral badger, from Friday happy hour to Sunday's last football games. During the holidays, these shitheads infect the bars you call home to copulate in your photo booth and vomit in your computer bag. Joy to the World!!!
The Ne'er Do Bads: These good honest people wait until the season of good timings to listen to the tiny demon inside them, waiting until large public gatherings to do their first (and last) buttery nipples, soon nose-diving into full night-makeout sessions with an octagenarian named Maude. They are the stuff of hilarious, water cooler gossip. Unless you're poor Maude, of course.
The Classic Douchebag Who Nobody Likes: He's the guy that walks up to the bar and drops a $20 tip, as if to say to the bartender, "This is my asshole fee. You're about to have a long night". Soon, Mr. Dickless is skipping names on the pool table, hitting on the bar owner's wife, and screaming that someone stole his ascot! It's not that this douchebag doesn't drink. It's that he drinks tawny port while cavorting with his douche-in-arms, chuckling about stocks and funny adultery stories. He's at your bar by unhappy accident.
The Always Do Bads: You know these guys because of that one time last year when they sucker-punched that hipster kid and ran. They are legends in their neighborhood, usually with nicknames like "Guitar ___" or "Loose Cannon". They are the tough talkers who disappear for months at at time, only to reappear when your bar is at its most motley. You can feel them enter, like Dracula when he passes a rose bush. And they never leave easily.

Beware, my dear well-schooled imbibers! These holiday bugaboos will disappear with the last and worst holiday, the drinkers' nightmare, New Year's! Hide if you can, but don't engage them. Just observe from a safe distance.

Epic failure

2010-12-19T22:23:00.000-05:00

After a weekend of innumerable holiday parties and binging, I can now agree on a few characteristics of what can only be described as EPIC FAILURE:
1- You drink and eat non-stop for 24 hours, then throw up AFTER you wake up the next day. At the scent of a chicken wing. Epic fail.
2- You break an entire bottle of Jameson and splash it all over your legs. Soberly. Before you go out. Epic fail.
3- You try to show how durable your phone is by biting it. Then you break it. By biting it. Epic fail.
4- In a fit of loneliness, your dog tears through your trash, full of toxic grapes. In your frenzied discovery, you fail to pick up all grapes, and slip on one, doing a split in your kitchen. You try to avoid the split by turning your leg, tearing your knee. Epic fail.
5- You fall asleep with your drink-induced takeout food on your lap. You wake up with the food eaten by your dog, its remnants smeared on your crotch. Epic fail.
Feel free to share your own!

Awake at midnight and wishing...

2010-12-19T00:27:00.002-05:00

I had noodles. I hafta go to work now. Everyone will be WASTED...Oh well... Go Jets...Go...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DXMVG8fo3g

Holiday Film #2!!!

2010-12-17T20:54:00.002-05:00

Bored?!? Well, this film will get you up and about! Jack Frost (not with Michael Keaton, and not the Russo-Finnish creepy kids flick) stars...nobody. It's a film about a serial killer doused with some obscure formula carried in a gas tanker...and becomes a living snowman. And kills people. Worth a look for those of you disgusted by the holidays.
Taking a day off tomorrow! 3 holiday parties in 24 hours! May not survive...

Poor, poor Terrance Mann

2010-12-16T23:07:00.000-05:00

What happens when you take a burgeoning stage star, give him 15 lines of useless "Kill the Crites" dialogue, and make him the star of your terrible horror movie? Yep! You ruin his film career!
Terrance Mann was the star of Cats, Les Miserables and Barnum, all in lead roles. With his theatre legend already established, Mann chose to enter the world of film. Unfortunately for him, he chose poorly. His first attempt at film stardom was in Critters, a cheesy horror film from Mick Garris. He plays an alien bounty hunter searching for the title creatures. With the exception of seeing a young Billy Zane getting eaten alive, Critters has limited Oscar moments. So following the film's modest success, what does Mr. Mann do? He signs on for ALL THREE SEQUELS. The rest is history. If you watch Critters 1 and 2 back-to-back, you can see the toll this took on poor Terrance, as he appears to have taken to cheeseburger gorging and booze guzzling.
Mr. Mann continued to achieve mega-stardom on Broadway,and is still lauded as one of the most recognizable voices on the Great White Way, but his talents (and oddly long, Tim Curry-esque features) never transcended to film success. I suggest seeing the Critters films for their goofy humor, and to watch the descent of poor Terrance Mann into madness.

I MISS GEORGE CARLIN.

2010-12-15T14:30:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeSSwKffj9o&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDkhzHQO7jY&feature=related

20 minutes of your day, devoted to cheering you up for the holidays.

So now that it's fucking freezing...

2010-12-14T17:02:00.000-05:00

I have suggestions to keep you warm AND entertained!
1)See me at work for heavy doses of whiskey and sharp cynical wit. I will begin showing bad Xmas horror films starting today.
2) Watch Silent Night Deadly Night 1 and 2 at home! When I was a kid, parents' groups and the Catholic Church were in an uproar over this movie (ironic that the Church would get mad over the portrayal of a fictitious character based loosely on a Catholic saint that takes focus away from the birth of their SAVIOR...maybe it's just me) because of its use of a murder-obsessed Santa who screams "Punish!!!" when he kills...hilariously awful. The sequel is 20x better because half the film is just flashbacks from the first. Way to save $$$, guys.
So do those in any combination. My blog is Cheese and TERROR!!!, and I approve this message.

I used to be able to buy a hot dog for a nickel...

2010-12-13T16:16:00.000-05:00

As some of you know, I take pride in being born here. New York of the 70's-early 90's was an unsafe, unsavory town, listed among, if not the #1 most dangerous big city in America. Taking the subway late at night wasn't just an adventure, it was a challenge to the thieves and murderers, screaming "Come get me, motherfuckers!!!" like a stray member of the Warriors. Times have changed, and the city is safe. And really fucking expensive.
So as one of the city's old-timey endangered species, I was furious to read this article: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/dec/12/new-york-brooklyn-williamsburg-gentrification Really?!? Being mad because Duane Reade, a multiple decade resident of New York (granted, a large corporation) is moving into YOUR part of town? That it's too expensive to live here NOW?!?
Ok. Turn back time ten years when the two bedroom railroad I shared on S.2nd was $700. If you're mad that you're getting pushed out of your apartment because your landlord wants to raise your studio rent from $1800 to $2600, you can: a) fight it (you'll lose) . b) realize that this all started with YOU. c) shut up and move to Bed Stuy. Or is it called East East East Williamsburg? Gentrification is not just starting. These changes are the result of the real gentrification which started when Bedford Ave. wasn't safe past Metropolitan, McCarren park was full of glass shards and needles, and the Yabby was still open, and Sweetwater smelled like vomit, not escargot. Don't know what these places are? Then you were a part of the wave. Sorry to break it to you.
Yes, I'm one of those "You hipsters changed my neighborhood!" guys. It did change. And yes, it's better to live here now than the past, when I was afraid of being shot in my bathroom by my landlord (true story circa 1994). But please don't complain because the gentrification didn't stop with your triumphant arrival. Now it's your turn to get priced out of Williamsburg. Now, I'm gonna go watch The Warriors on repeat then prance around dressed like a Fury.

And WHO thought this was a good idea?!?

2010-12-12T12:20:00.000-05:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/12/weekinreview/12chan.html?hp

This should scare the pants right off you! Mr. I want to abolish the IRS and Social Security, Sen. Ron Paul, is the new chairman of the Senate subcommittee that oversees...aliens? NO, even better! Ummm...toy safety?!? Nope, try again! Uh oh...oversees the...gulp...Federal Reserve in the time of a depression?!? BINGO!!! Mr. Paul thinks the Fed is a corrupt evil empire that should be dissolved. And replaced by...what? Oh, right, being a critic doesn't mean presenting actual solutions. Good luck, Bernakke.

Antibiotics blow a bag of dicks

2010-12-11T18:04:00.000-05:00

They do. They work slowly, they last waaaaaayyyy too long, and they don't go well with a cocktail. Kind of like Star Wars Episodes 1-3. Luckily I'm taking them with my steroid-laden, $150 asthma medication. Yep. That was the cost AFTER insurance deductible and such. Health care can suck a bag of dicks also.
Yep, can't drink...
I went into a liquor store to buy a bottle of wine for a dinner party and left with four. If I can't get drunk, everyone around me needs to get righteously shitcanned so I can be thoroughly amused.
Wanna feel my pain?!? Just watch Cocktail with Mr. Cruise. You won't want to drink for a week either.
Yep. I'm bitter. Time for Grandpa to take a nap.

Comic Explosion!!!

2010-12-10T20:58:00.000-05:00

So, the trailers for two movies and one unrequested sequel have been released. I suggest you watch all three. You have ten minutes.
In its attempt to ruin everything I loved as a kid(comics, sports, toys, and being by myself), Hollywood is making attempts to make EVERY COMIC AND TOY EVER into a film.
Thor casts an Australian noone knows with n English actor people wish would go away. I know I can be cynical. Watch the trailer and tell me that casting the man who once was an actor, Anthony Hopkins, as fucking ODIN isn't screaming of epic failure. Please tell me there is a sequel with Beta Ray Bill in the works...
Michael Bay must have been thinking, how could I further sully the history of Hollywood filmmaking? I've already destroyed the concept of scriptwriting, plot development, and common sense plot twists. I've brought new wonder to 12 year old boys' eyes...only to tear it down by firing my only draw to an assinine film series...I know!!! Let me rewrite one of mankind's real triumphs over imagination by making it a ridiculous conspiracy!!! Moon landing?!? Bah! They were there to find some Decepticons! Yep. Watch the trailer. Prepare to be embarassed.
Surprisingly, Green Lantern has some promise. It appears to be taking the comic almost verbatim, casting a somewhat likeable guy in the lead (I even thought he was ok as Deadpool in Wolverine...ok, maybe I was drunk, but who wasn't who went to see that?) and adding one of the Skaarsgards that should be in a comic movie(my wife wanted Eric from True Blood for Thor. I agree. He's charming.) The suit's a little tight, but I'm sure it's a breathable material. Unlike the behemoth Batman costumes that look like a lead suit.
See these trailers. Tell me what you think.

A Sad Day For Lower East Side, West Village

2010-12-09T16:06:00.000-05:00

I thought it was bad enough to hear that one of my favorite bars in NY, a bar I frequented as a TEENAGER 18 years ago (old man!), was closing at the end of the month. But three of them!!!
Today it was announced that Mars Bar, one of the dirtiest, grimiest watering holes in NY, full of punk sensitivity and puke scars, may be closed by the end of next month. If you have never entered said bar, I strongly suggest you do. Like getting a rare disease, you'll tell all your friends how you got through it, feel the pain of it mentally and physically for years, but cherish the memory always like a war wound. I first went to Mars Bar as a teen. No one wants you there, the drinks are strong as fuck, and the bathroom smells like garbage. Why will I miss it? For the time a guy passed out in the corner, his foot-tall mohawk bent against the wall as his girlfriend screamed for him to wake up from his heroin haze. Or the memory of surviving it. Either way, try to head there before they "temporarily" close it for two years. It ain't comin' back, folks.
Max Fish on Ludlow will also be closing within the next few months. I always liked the artsy interior. And cheap drinks. Mostly the drinks. And the fact that all these ritsy, bullshit poser bars that have moved into the area, jacking up the rent, would not have been able to if Max Fish didn't do it first and best, outliving Ludlow Bar, Z Bar and Korova Milk Bar. Wow, I really sound old now. Damn whippersnappers! Sigh...
This last one bothered me the most, because when I heard The Stoned Crow was closing, I wasn't surprised. I started frequenting the Crow in 1993. I was drawn to the pristine pool table, the people and the atmosphere. The owner, Betty, sat by the table to make sure that the games were "properly" played, and to protect the table from yuppie beer-splashing. As the years went on, I played on their pool teams, even briefly worked here and there, and made life-long friends. All things change. For recent years, loyal patrons were constantly reminded of the bar's significant debts as these valiant drinkers wondered aloud why they no longer got buybacks. In fact, I once received a $150 bill with shots I never ordered, and was told by Betty that I had to suck it up and deal, and that I was drunk. I disagreed, having been on antibiotics for the past week, and was dead sober. Oh yeah, and I was forced to tip as well or be expelled. I relocated my pool team that season to a different bar, and returned to the Crow only for special events. My wife loathes it there because of the treatment we receive when we have returned. Keeping in contact with other regulars, I realized these weren't isolated incidents, as they've mostly been pushed away.
Though I like to hold on to the past (just ask my wife) , in this instance, it's past the time for the Crow to go, sunk by poor ownership and hiring mistakes. I will miss Donnie's quick wit and the beautiful bar, but I've missed the Crow of the past for some time now.
If the Library Bar closes, I won't ever go below 14th St. again. I mean it. Can't one smelly dive bar survive?!?
Like the Abbey?!? Hehehe...

Some gifts keep on giving...

2010-12-08T17:26:00.000-05:00

This birthday, I received a fine bottle of Malbec (thanks Jim and Katy!) and a ten dollar check from my mom. The gift which I have gotten the most wear-and-tear from so far is a forgotten film called Red Sonja. By 1985, Arnold Schwarzeneggar was a huge success. He had starred in both Conan the Barbarian films, The Terminator, and was scheduled to appear in major box office fare for the next several years. However, he still had a debt to pay to the studio and producer who had launched his career, recently deceased Dino DeLaurentis. He agreed to play Conan again, opposite his Conan love interest, Sandahl Bergman, in Red Sonja, based on a character from the Conan stories written by successfully suicidal Robert E. Howard (lucky for him he never got to see Red Sonja). Conan later decided that he didn't want to be Conan again, so they changed his character's name(that'll do it!). Bergman, apparently thinking the lead in Pretty Woman was just around the bend, declined the lead role for fear of being typecasted. She unfortunately went on to be typecasted as "that Conan lady who can't act", appearing in such box office treats as Hell Comes to Frogtown, opposite Rowdy Roddy Piper. Nice job! Wooooo!!! Talk about her career taking a snake arrow to the heart!
So model Brigitte Nielsen(Mrs. Gastineau, Mrs. FlavorFlav) was cast as Red Sonja, and a complete shitbomb was detonated on audiences everywhere. At the premiere, Maria Shriver exclaimed to Ah-nold, "If this doesn't kill your career, nothing will!" Few films of the 80's were so in need of, and denied, gratuitous nudity!
I triple dog dare you to sit through the awkwardly adorable spin kicks of diminutive Ernie Reyes, Jr! Bow to his oafish servant Falkon as he hits you in the head with an oversized bone! If you really have gumption, sonny, find and watch Frogtown afterwards. You will hunt me down and strangle me!

Things to Remember About Your Birthday

2010-12-07T21:19:00.000-05:00

#1- Water is your friend before you start drinking. After the fact is just like trying to catch a cheetah. And do you really want to chase the cheetah or be the cheetah?
#2- When you invite a bunch of people out for your birthday, remember: you do not have to do shots with ALL OF THEM.
#3- Sleep the day before your birthday. You may not get the chance to do so the day after. You will not be happy when you wake up. Trust me.
#4- Make sure your attendees can keep up with your consumption pace. Otherwise you'll be the last one standing. By 10pm.
#5- Only make an ass out of yourself to strangers. Your friends will defend you, unless you make an ass out of them too. Then you're on your own.
#6- Don't eat anything with a cream sauce before or after you drink.
#7- Don't bartend during your birthday party. The party won't reach you until you are done. Then it may be too late.
#8- Pepto.
#9- Greasy food is best for hangovers. Not during your evening.
#10- If you're on a diet, suspend it for your birthday. And spend time training for a few days beforehand.
#10 1/2- When it's over, it's over. Save up for the next 364 days. Then repeat.

So, since it's my birthday...

2010-12-06T14:05:00.000-05:00

You all have homework because I may be in no condition to type tomorrow. If you have Netflix, watch Nightbeast or Creature.
Then comment for me. I love both these films because of their obvious, in-your-face cheesiness and mind-boggling special effects, both being ripoffs of Alien and any decent monster-on-Earth film. Come to think of it, there aren't many.
Sorry, Gort.

So I saw Rare Exports last night...

2010-12-05T10:42:00.000-05:00

You should see it. It's a Finnish film working with the premise that Santa Claus wasn't really the fun-loving friend of all children, but a 30 ft. tall goblin who eats them. Don't take my word for it; my wife loved it. That should count for something, especially since I'm still getting flack for taking her to see Skyline. Don't see it. I mean, rent it, but don't pay $13. You'll just get mad. www.rareexportsmovie.com

Sen Bernie Sanders Needs You to Listen. So do I. Then do something to help.

2010-12-04T23:19:00.000-05:00

If you haven't already seen this...here it is again...

2010-12-03T14:06:00.000-05:00

Best poster ever. Horrible. I'm gonna go watch the two Garfield movies instead. Yeeesh.

So, maybe you didn't know this...neither did I...

2010-12-02T20:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, so those who know me know I have a pretty extensive memory for film trivia/knowledge(and modesty too...ok, maybe not). I've followed the career of Michael Mann, the director best known for Miami Vice, Ali, The Insider, Collateral, yadda yadda yadda, since I was a teenager. Manhunter was my favorite creepy thriller (also the first appearance of Hannibal Lechter, played by Bryan Cox), also directed by said Mann.
So I know, you're saying, Joe! What does this hafta do with horror? Michael Mann never did a horror movie...
AH HAH!!!
I didn't think so either! Then I found The Keep, one of his first films from 1983. It stars a young, dashing Gabriel Byrne as an evil Nazi, a never-fetching Jurgen Prochnow (Das Boot!)...wow, he really IS an ugly man!...playing a morally conflicted Nazi, 80's fave Scott Glenn from The Right Stuff (not the far inferior Cohen film about killer yogurt, The Stuff)... and wait for it...IAN FUCKING MCKELLEN! Acadamy Fucking Award nominated Ian McKellen!
And here's the kicker: it's a good film!!! Nazis die! Evil fails! Scott Glenn gets beat up! With the 80's Krautrock (not a word I made up) band, Tangerine Dream, performing the score, this synth-rockin' film has everything a decent 80's horror film contains. See it. It's out there somewhere...maybe on Net-something-something... hint...hint...

Farewell, Shithead...

2010-12-01T18:43:00.000-05:00

I was in my dentist's chair this morning, reminiscing about my early days of yore, a chubby 80's prepubescent chubster who sat at home and watched movies all day. Not just any movies, mind you. Bad, no, really terribly bad films. I realized, as my heavy-handed pain wielder chopped through each tooth, that not much had changed.
I still love ice cream waaaaay too much.
I still love really terrible cinema.
I still HATE the fucking dentist.
So with the rest of the day before me, I thought, what film series most reminded me of my troubled youth? What films encapsulated the 80's film penchant for ignoring the laws of physics, time, space and common sense(see Hughes films), 80's "style" (you know if you were alive, you dressed that way, too), but also forgot that scripts sometimes needed to be cohesive, at times linear, or at least, simply make a modicum of sense.
These films? The Highlander series.
Imagine, you're Russell Mulcahy, the creator/director of Highlander. You've succeeded beyond your wildest dreams, envisioning and realizing a film about unexplainably immortal men(as they're always men...insert appropriate feminist rant here)who must battle to the death, beheading the loser, absorbing said loser's dragon-like energy, until one sword-wielding maniac remains, at which time he suddenly becomes god. Except he can't really tell you what that's like, either. A god with no cognitive thought or diction.
You cast a Frenchman to play a Scotsman, a Scotsman to play a Spaniard, and an American to play an evil punk Huguenot. And they battle in NYC, where, obviously, noone gives a shit who lives or dies. Talk Queen into doing your soundtrack and...somehow it becomes a massive success! Holy Shit!!!
So you think...how can I top this? Think, Russell...that's it! I didn't explain how they came to be...so I'll make them...ALIENS?!?
Good thinking, shithead. Make them aliens from a world. Who love swords. Was Errol Fucking Flynn from there, too? Jesus Christ on a cross! So you bring back the Frenchman, Chris Lambert, and the Scotsman, the eternally egotistical misogynist Sean "Every woman deserves a good slap in the face now and again" Connery and an even more ridiculous script, erase all charm from the original film, and voila! Here's a film turd for the ages!And...goodbye. Russell Mulcahy. Farewell, shithead(also a quote from the film).
A film that, mind you, I recommend thoroughly. Why? Because the spirit of 80's cinema, good or bad, spills from these crap heaps like lava through Pompeii. But watch them together, I implore you. Oh, and in case you were wondering, there were a few more Highlander films, each of which ignore the space alien angle. You should ignore them, too.