John Carter

I generally dislike Disney films. There, I said it. Hurl your insults now!
OK, you can stop now. Stop it!
Now that we got that out of the way, seriously, I do. I even hated them as a child, because I don't need cartoons to teach me life lessons. Why? Because I knew they were cartoons, not people, and they always had a happy ending(insert joke here).
But this is about John Carter, the largest Disney dump of all time. I remember when John Carter was released, reading reviews which offered bad ratings not for the content, but its timeliness. You see, John Carter was written nearly a hundred years ago, when we still wondered if you could BREATHE on Mars. Well, according to this film, you can...and you can jump really high...and some people wears LOTS of henna. Lots.
 John Carter was a Civil War vet who, in the search for a cave of gold(?), finds a portal to Mars(and kills a dude). When he gets to this temperate( from where you can see Earth and the moon like they were right next to Mars. Remember that night you looked up at the sky and saw MARS?!?), he learns he can jump really high, gets a little stronger, gets captured by multi-armed aliens, and defeats everyone. With the help of jumping. Seriously, anyone out there remember how menacing FROGS are?!?
Once you get past the first few minutes of thinking, "Why the fuck would someone greenlight this hunk of shit?!?", and try to forget they're on Mars, you are immediately stabbed in the brain by the "writer's" insistence that you absorb the same running joke (they all call John Carter "Virginia". Fucking hilarious.) for a half hour. This is the skilled writing employed in most Disney films. Tell the same gag 30 times, and it will finally make you laugh. Disney films are a war of attrition, disarming you with repetition straight out of a Huxley novel, assaulting you with abject cuteness until you vomit happy butterflies.
Did I mention Taylor Kitsch is John Carter?!? Did I?
Holy shit! It's not bad enough that you write a film with a premise impossible to believe, you go and cast the Friday Night Lights TV show guy?!? Are you insane!!!! Someone somewhere in Hollywood uses this formula to choose films to produce: Awful leaden actor no one knows + cheap script no one will believe + wasting a shit ton of money= successful film!
And I mean a shit ton! Here's the hardest part to stomach: John Carter cost 300 MILLION DOLLARS to make! You could buy 600 thousand people a fucking BIG MAC for that, and their collective feces would be better than John Carter. 
So you should watch this. There are few, if any, better examples of a film made 60 years too late. In 1940, maybe 1950, this could have been a Commander Cody serial. instead, you get to see what kind of garbage you can buy for $300 million.