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Saturday, June 25, 2016


Any time the name Eli Roth is associated with a film or series, I cringe. On occasion, I am only mildly disappointed with the result. I saw Cabin Fever in the theater upon its release, and went in with zero expectations. They were met.
So a year and a half ago, when I saw the initial trailer for Clown, brought to us by "Master of Horror" Eli Roth...yes, someone was paid, by either Roth or the studio, to say that line without laughing out loud...I was a bit apprehensive.
So let's fast-forward to this past Tuesday night/Wednesday was fine, I think maybe I tweaked my ankle on a step to the cellar...then woke up in sharp pain with my ankle rolled up in a bed sheet. By end of day, I could barely hobble around. By 1am, my ankle was a throbbing, useless stump upon which I could not stand.
So by the next evening, realizing that I would likely miss multiple, multiple shifts...maybe not have rent...I was a bit depressed. So, with trusty pooch by my side, I decided to rally, find the worst movie I could find and share it with you! And I found...sigh, FUCKING CLOWN.
So let's get to it. The basic premise is as follows: a kindly dad, hearing that the clown he hired(fuck you, dad) for his kid's birthday party, that the kid WANTED (fuck you, kid) had been double booked, and cancelled. First and foremost, THIS NEVER HAPPENS. Why?!? Because: what two sadistic fucks hire a clown for the same day anywhere where people have taste and brains!!! This is also a town which, Mom's drunk friend at a kids' party mentions, THERE'S A FUCKING CHUCK E. CHEESE NEARBY. Also, having been in a situation where strippers were overbooked, they just go to both, spend half the time there, and then leave, hoping to get paid the same amount. So there's that.
So Dad, a real estate agent, working in a house he's renovating for resale, finds a dubious box in the basement, which contains the weirdest looking clown costume of all time. So, why not use that? Thanks, God!!!
Then he can't get the thing off, it slowly turns him into a "CLOYNE", or a child-eating demon. And it's a suit made of demon skin, yaddayaddayadda, fill in the blanks, horrible death scenes, and movie!
So in the middle of this plot(ha) he finds the costumer who owned the suit, and goes to him for help. The guy (Peter Stormare)explains that the suit was part of an antiques purchase, was "perfect"when he saw it, until he realized it was made of demon skin. Then he tries to decapitate Clown Dad, as that's the only way to fix the curse now changing our hapless-at-everything victim/hero/clown.OR he can eat 5 kids. Sounds like a pretty easy decision to me, I live in Park Slope. Lots to go around.

So a few notes on scenes from the film:
- You learn that Stormare's character once donned the suit, and his brother saved him by feeding him(as Cloyne) 5 children. Then the suit melts off. So, if the suit melts off, how is there another suit later? And, he mentions that he didn't remember any of what happened, so how did he know? Did his sick fuck brother tell him? "hey, by the way, oh this is so silly, you're gonna laugh at this one: you turned into a demonic clown and I fed you 5 kids. Ok, peace!"
-Mom, tempted to save her husband(who has already eaten three nice kids, and one piece of shit kid), kidnaps a child, bringing the kid to a lake house. The cops show up, and seem to be arresting her. In a minute, she's driving home to save her son and her dad(spoiler alert: you know due to hints in the film that he's not gonna make it...because he's a dick). Do police not arrest kidnappers anymore? Isn't that kind of a big deal? How did that conversation go?
Officer: Ma'am, why did you abduct this child, take her to an abandoned lakehouse and lock her out of the car?
Mom: So my demon Cloyne husband could eat her, and turn human again.
Officer: Valid point, ma'am, our mistake. You're free to go. Good hunting.
-Stormare, while helping Mom find ClownDad, stumble upon a nice set of small bones. Stormare says, "These are the bones of an 8yr old." Jesus tittyfuck, creepiest old dude ever!!! How the fuck does he know THAT!!! Nope, too small for 9, too big for 7. What. The. Fuck.
-A big, crazy scene takes place in the aforementioned Check E. Cheese. Where they could have held their son's stupid birthday party. They deserve all of this.
-The creepy kid is waaaaay too obsessed with clowns, and isn't in the slightest afraid of his dad as a stupid clown-borg. This kid is fucked up.
 This film surprised me. Even though Roth didn't write, direct, or star in the film, it still filled me with dread and loathing for him. His name often means suck sandwich, and even though he's barely a producer, here it was in all it's trash glory. This wasn't a total waste of time, as it slightly distracted me from throbbing excruciating ankle pain.
So see it, if you like child bones, plot holes, bad writing, and root for clowns to oppress mankind. Or rent Killer Klowns From Outer Space; it's a better film, trust me. And avoid all things Eli Roth, for everyone's sake.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Gods of Egypt

Last Tuesday, Randall and I toyed with the idea of fulfilling a bad movie challenge several months old. I do want to get this out of the way:
a)Randall is not a figment of my imagination, hell-bent on causing me pain. He is, in fact, real.
b)I'm often the driving force behind the worst crap that we sit through. As Verbal once said, "The best trick the devil ever pulled was to convince the world he didn't exist." If you ever meet Randall, ask him whose fault Skyline was. (hint: IT WAS ME)
We had been putting off Gods of Egypt for a week and a half, until I received this awful news: Gods of Egypt, which cost nearly cost $200 million to make, was being pulled from theaters by week's end. To give you perspective: Battleship, one of the worst films ever slapped together, stayed in theaters with the hope that it could recoup some losses for almost a month. Feel free to check my archive for that piece of shit. I watched Battleship during Hurricane Sandy; madness followed.
Here's how our conversation evolved:
Me: Are we still seeing Gods of Egypt? I'm really tired, and am unsure I can sit through it.
Randall: Ok, we can try a different day. How long is it playing for.
Me: 9 more hours, unless you want to see it in...STATEN ISLAND...
That's right: they couldn't even wait 3 days to launch this turdmuffin into the film afterlife.
Normally, 4 hours is enough time during Happy Hour to prepare a film goer with an open mind to see most any film. Like I, Frankenstein. Or even Skyline.Or Gigli.
There wasn't enough booze on the Earth to make Gods of Egypt into a coherent, enjoyable film. A woman yelled at us during the opening credits, "I WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE!" I turned back 15 minutes later, and SHE had left. By a half-hour, everyone else had. In fact, as we exited the theater, speechless and in dismay, I couldn't recall having seen a single attendant.
The best way to describe Gods of Egypt, the film equivalent of the medical waste receptacles at Bellevue on a hot Saturday during a blackout, is as follows.You know when a 5 year old has a tragically intense fever dream during, oh let's say, scarlet fever. You have read him a story about Egypt, and he recites this nonsensical tale based around what you've just recited to him. You think, that's cute, if he survives this nightmare, at least he may be creative someday. Now put that fever dream inside a perfectly capable adult, and you scream, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKING ABOMINATION?!? WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB! " In fact, if you saw a ten year old drawing a still from any scene with crayon, you would take it away from him, send him to his room, grounded, and light it on fire. You might even light the house on fire. 
That, my friends, is Gods of Egypt, the official worst film I have ever seen in a theater. It's given me at least one legit nightmare.
I won't spoil the whole story, but I'll give you this brief synopsis:
A) Gods are sort of immortal(?), and are about 10-11 feet tall. Like Shaq. Or like Jaws in Moonraker.
B) Set and Horus are uncle/nephew, who fight over Egypt once Set kills his brother Osiris.
C) in their initial fight, Set beats Horus, taking his eyes(made of crystal). He can no longer see(nope, he can kind of see), but more importantly, he can no longer change into a giant, metallic warbird. No, wait, HE CAN. Just kidding, everyone! So glad the entire fucking film is about retrieving his fucking eyes!
E) The smartest god has his brain ripped from his head. Somehow, he is alive during the final celebratory sequence. I wish someone were there to rip out my brain. 
Have you ever fallen off a bike, and hurt yourself so badly, that you can only laugh out loud, tears rippling down your cheeks while you wish for sweet death? Do that about 40 times. Add PTSD. You have now endured Gods of Egypt. If I ever meet Gerard Butler, I will politely punch him in his stupid Scottish(Egyptian)-accented fucking face, then demand our money back. At least when he gets up and murders me, I can hopefully not relive the horror of this film in some afterlife. In fact, I no longer hope for an afterlife, if only to negate the chance I'll continue to see flashbacks of this film in my mind's eye.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016


I was working at Barfly last night, talking to my buddy, Randall. I mentioned to him that I hadn't written my blog in a long time. Without skipping a beat, he exclaimed, "HAVE YOU WATCHED UNFRIENDED?!?" And with that one challenge, my blog has been reborn, like a phoenix made of trash, renewed through a dumpster fire.
So I watched Unfriended, mostly so you wouldn't have to suffer through an hour and a half, watching 6 young actors remind us as to why we're doomed as a species. The basic plot is this: watch a vengeful ghost torture and kill her asshole friends via Skype, who may have posted an embarassing video which lead to her suicide the year prior. Simple enough, right? Oh, no. Not even close. Don't misconstrue this as an opaque way to laud this heap of burnt hair as cinematic gold. Here's some quick tidbits:
- The friends all may have a hand in the one girl's suicide, as they filmed her passing out at a kegger and crapping her pantaloons. I'm already charmed by these pricks, so I will definitely root for them. Those are lies; Team ghost ON FLEEK! Oh, holy crap. why would I say that...
- The action takes place while all 6 friends are Skype-ing each other, as they often do? I frequently make lighthearted fun of millennials and younger for their inability to speak to each other in person, so this type of group interaction is welcome as a prom birth for me. Increased hatred: check!
- The ghost joins in on ghoul Skype to turn them slowly against each other, of course possessing them one at a time(!), all the while ferreting out whoever posted the video online. Somehow...because science. These sewer rats must attend Fuckface High in Dickhead, Bumblefuck; they are the worst children of the worst parents in modern times (who should be publicly shamed in some old-timey town square event complete with ye ol' stone throw).
- Oh, did it need to be said that they've all been fucking each other and their boyfriends and girlfriends, and now they're all mad and sad and wishing each other dead? Oh no, how could they?!? In high school?!? IN AMERICA?!? Sigh. Oh, except for the fat kid. He just knows computers. A firewall seals his demise. I mean it. That's his only crime. I mean, that and being a creepy basement-dweller stereotype. And I think he laughed at her once...because she shit her pants at a party, which may or may not be kinda funny. Just sayin'. No reason to possess a body and stick some hands in a blender. Poor fat kid.
- Did I mention the ghost was, prior to suicide, a living, breathing piece of human garbage as well? Yep. Before passing out, she attacks people, cursing and screaming at them. That explains their friendships!
I had very low expectations for this film, and they were met with glaring ease. MTV produced it, so it wasn't geared toward me, but to a teen audience? Does MTV think all their current young adult fans are mouth-breathing assholes? Did someone, somewhere, while writing this abomination, smirk and say aloud, "This is really going to reach young people!" I hope not. That's fear talking. They're voting age this year; a full onslaught of idiots who like that Trump tells it like it is, and think scissoring is real. View at the risk of existential dread, folks. We're doomed.

Friday, July 19, 2013

The Conjuring

I know, most of you are used to me writing about the worst films ever made, with the occasional political rant. So.....this is different. This is a conversation about my experience with a current, albeit conventional horror film, The Conjuring. I want to present a few spoiler alerts:
a) I liked the film, and will mention that ad nauseum (though my buddy Joe P. found it a HUGE letdown).
b) I liked Mama, from Del Toro, a lot more, for myriad reasons, only one of which I will mention.
The Conjuring is James Wan's new tale of a family plagued by an other-worldly force; it plays a lot like Sinister or Mama or the director's prior film, Insidious. There are a number of spoiler elements that I can reveal which effect the plot, but I won't. I'll leave that to my wife, who will more than likely bring them up. But I do want to touch on a few key points.
Siblings: DelToro gets something that Wan hasn't yet grasped: siblings, no matter their middling conflicts, stick together. A film with 5 sisters who never go out on a limb for each other highlights the lack of character development for the main/secondary characters in a story. Wan fails, in two hours, to grasp the connection these sisters might have with each other. Mama, however, navigates this relationship brilliantly. I do want to mention that this was "based on a true story". I still find the lack of a kindred bond a bit troubling.
Defying the norm: Wan uses old horror cliches against the viewer, to set up what he feels are legitimate scares. The problem? The audience is unfortunately ready for what comes next. Example: If someone in a horror film stares in a lake too long, you would expect them to be snatched by something in the water. Or grabbed from behind. Wan allows this to be the regular backdrop, relying on panning through a screen to reveal the true horror lurking in the dark. I get it, as there's less and less to frighten people with in a film. However, I could direct you to the recent films of Ti West, House of the Devil, or The Innkeepers, which are not only available on streaming sites for "free", but really capture true intensity and anxiety, while presenting old scenarios as revived/new film.
I can't tell you to avoid this film, as it's very good. I mean it. However, it left me wanting more.It definitely didn't match the excitement or hype; however, I've watched a LOT of horror films. This one sits in the top 20% for me. But Insidious, for all its flaws, was a well-structured, brilliantly-paced gem of a horror flick, and is FAR superior. I may have even liked Dead Silence a bit more...The Conjuring only made me long for the Insidious sequel (due in 2 months).

Sunday, January 13, 2013

A Nicholas Cage Double Feature!

Before I even get STARTED, watch...this!!!

OK. I think now we're in the mood. I don't know what happened to Nic Cage Coppola (if you didn't know this by now, there's some nepotism for you). I loved Adaptation. Really, I did, and he was truly fantastic. And yet, somewhere after the film's release, Cage actually lost his fucking mind. There are now two Nicholas Cages. The first Cage is a brooding, intense, yet thought-provoking actor who helps us respect our inner loser. Somehow, this Cage has decided to quit the acting biz.
And then there's the other Cage, who, in the past years, has given us The Wicker Man ("Not the bees!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!), Stolen, Bad Lieutenant II(yep, that story needed a sequel) and...
Ghost Rider:Spirit of Vengeance and Season of the Witch!!! These films made me yearn for a Valley Girl sequel.
You have to hand it to the guy. No one has truly dedicated himself to a comic character that no one really gave a shit about like Cage does the poor Ghost least not since the Affleck Daredevil snoozer.
Unlike Daredevil, where Affleck, and just about anyone with working eyes (pun intended- Daredevil's blind) could see what a piece of shit that film was, Cage re-booted Ghost Rider. The result is a ridiculous, buffoonish master-dump. The only thing Cage appears to enjoy more than Ghost Rider is his own scream. And he LOVES to scream, so much so that the director cuts into the flow of his "film" to present back story, complete with maniacal Cage screams. To his credit, these are the only redeeming portions of the movie. Nothing fills me with joy more than Nic Cage writhing in pain.
Here's the brief, yet concise, synopsis: Johnny Blaze sold his soul to the devil, now collects other souls for him. But he goes rogue! He is partly filled with the corrupted soul of a fallen angel, and must get it out( or convert it to a good fallen angel?), all the while saving the next Antichrist from merging with his devilish master. And get this: they're somehow in Romania. How does a guy who turns every vehicle he enters into a fiery hellish lump of mangled aggressive BULLSHIT survive a 10 hour flight to fucking Romania?!? "Attention, this is your captain. We are experiencing some turbulence due to our airplane suddenly morphing into a lava-spewing servant from Hell...please note the fasten seatbelt light is on, and remain out of the aisle...can the man with the flaming skull please extinguish himself?"
Somehow Idris Elba tripped into this movie, and I wept for him. My wife was very upset...
But not as upset as the day I made her watch Season of the Witch! This putrid abomination has everything, from Brooklyn accents in the middle ages, to extremely obvious plot points, to maddeningly poor acting. Did I mention his ridiculous hair piece, or easily slash-able chain mail?!? Or that the main twist of the plot isn't whether a woman is a witch or not, or the insinuations that she was raped by the only surviving priest, or why no one on the quest catches the plague (which they might as well rub on their balls, they're so up in plague). No, it's what kind of evil she is. Oh, the suspense!!!
No suspense here. There is nothing sorrier than watching a once-promising actor turn evil, which is the only other excuse I can offer him besides bankruptcy for making such garbage. He even made a David Caruso film watchable! Yes, THAT David Caruso! I can't wait to see what else is next for my boy Cage. OK, maybe I can.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

John Carter

I generally dislike Disney films. There, I said it. Hurl your insults now!
OK, you can stop now. Stop it!
Now that we got that out of the way, seriously, I do. I even hated them as a child, because I don't need cartoons to teach me life lessons. Why? Because I knew they were cartoons, not people, and they always had a happy ending(insert joke here).
But this is about John Carter, the largest Disney dump of all time. I remember when John Carter was released, reading reviews which offered bad ratings not for the content, but its timeliness. You see, John Carter was written nearly a hundred years ago, when we still wondered if you could BREATHE on Mars. Well, according to this film, you can...and you can jump really high...and some people wears LOTS of henna. Lots.
 John Carter was a Civil War vet who, in the search for a cave of gold(?), finds a portal to Mars(and kills a dude). When he gets to this temperate( from where you can see Earth and the moon like they were right next to Mars. Remember that night you looked up at the sky and saw MARS?!?), he learns he can jump really high, gets a little stronger, gets captured by multi-armed aliens, and defeats everyone. With the help of jumping. Seriously, anyone out there remember how menacing FROGS are?!?
Once you get past the first few minutes of thinking, "Why the fuck would someone greenlight this hunk of shit?!?", and try to forget they're on Mars, you are immediately stabbed in the brain by the "writer's" insistence that you absorb the same running joke (they all call John Carter "Virginia". Fucking hilarious.) for a half hour. This is the skilled writing employed in most Disney films. Tell the same gag 30 times, and it will finally make you laugh. Disney films are a war of attrition, disarming you with repetition straight out of a Huxley novel, assaulting you with abject cuteness until you vomit happy butterflies.
Did I mention Taylor Kitsch is John Carter?!? Did I?
Holy shit! It's not bad enough that you write a film with a premise impossible to believe, you go and cast the Friday Night Lights TV show guy?!? Are you insane!!!! Someone somewhere in Hollywood uses this formula to choose films to produce: Awful leaden actor no one knows + cheap script no one will believe + wasting a shit ton of money= successful film!
And I mean a shit ton! Here's the hardest part to stomach: John Carter cost 300 MILLION DOLLARS to make! You could buy 600 thousand people a fucking BIG MAC for that, and their collective feces would be better than John Carter. 
So you should watch this. There are few, if any, better examples of a film made 60 years too late. In 1940, maybe 1950, this could have been a Commander Cody serial. instead, you get to see what kind of garbage you can buy for $300 million.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

This is what I do during a hurricane...

I revive my blog!
Cheese and Terror RETURNS!!!
Enough of that. While I had a captive audience(wife + dog) during the worst disaster to hit NYC since the mid-90's Godzilla movie, I felt the need to watch the worst possible film releases of the last few years.
I was surprised by the fall of Kitsch this year. Taylor Kitsch was poised to be the next film star. He was cast in two big-budget blockbusters(John Carter), and another film by a lauded director. How could this possibly go wrong?!?
Well, for a few reasons:
a)WHO THE FUCK IS TAYLOR KITSCH?!? Unless you watched a TV show based on a film, which had no more than a cult following, you had no clue who this asshat was.
b) A production company doesn't always spend a lot of money on a WINNER. Kitsch took on two roles that no one else wanted. That should have been a pretty big hint. Brad Pitt? Nope. Tom Cruise? Nope. Fuck, Nathan Fillion didn't want these roles, and he took White Noise II!
c) Oliver Stone hasn't made a great film in a decade. And he's fucking crazy.
d) When your name sounds synonymous to a word used to describe "A form of art that is considered an inferior, tasteless copy of an extant {sic}style"-(Urban Dictionary), and your first name is generally used for ladies(see: Boy Named Sue), you've got a PR problem. Names mean a lot in Hollywood. Just ask Skeet Ulrich.
e) You picked a film BASED ON A FUCKING BOARD GAME! Even Uwe Boll doesn't do that! And he sucks!
So, Battleship is one of the worst films ever made. No question. There are few films that mix pop stars, poor scripts, Academy Award nominees in 5 minute paychecks cameos, and an unknown lead with a terrible name, that end up as good films. In fact, none of them have.
Most poignant scene, you ask? Oh, lord...probably the scene where they enlist Korean war retirees to man the USS Missouri. Yeah, I said it. Spoiler alert. Oh, wait, that's supposed to be in front...Take THAT for all the Dexter know who you are...
A 10 minute "suspenseful" battle scene was concocted, using buoy radar plotting (WTF!) to draw the connection between film and board game. I'm not making this shit up. Seriously, this all happened.
Watching characters die in this film brought me sheer joy, only marred by the persistent life essence of the obnoxious, monotone Taylor Kitsch. 
So watch it, but be warned: the warm glow of Liam Neeson shines through for all of 4 total minutes(not an understatement, I timed it), so what you're left with is a twisted pile of metal. Don't think for a minute that this means I will watch John Carter for you. I can only handle so much.
He looks like he's taking a fat dump. In a way, he did. It's called Battleship. It's all over your screen.