A Drinker's Lament

Those of you who have been reading along this past month know the sadness I have felt over the demise of my favorite bar, The Stoned Crow. As a 20-year patron about to lose his watering hole, I feel the need to share this pain as a means to reaching catharsis.
As one enters the Stoned Crow, on the side street of Washington Place in Greenwich Village, they are immediately greeted by a large, long bar to their right, surrounded by posters and photos from TV and film from the last century. After buying a drink, they move to the back, where up a few steps sits the best bar pool table in New York (Sorry, Barfly denizens) , with more posters lining the tall ceiling and tables and chairs scattered about. A single cushioned chair stands alone by the table, at times filled by the bar's owner, Betty, who at times oversees and directs the flow of pool traffic and the implementation of bar rules. She does this with curmudgeon-y grace, screaming at new drinkers to "Get their beer away from her table!" and "Don't jump the ball!".
I returned to the Stoned Crow last night to say my goodbyes, and for a short while, accompanied by a few friends who feel the same as I do, there was something familiar about the bar; something which many of you feel about different bars which you frequent. We silently, fondly remembered the last 15-20 years where we grew up together, laughed as we injured ourselves physically and emotionally. We played pool and drank shots as if we owned the place, scowling at the loud hippie who accompanied the newer regulars who had replaced us years ago. We counted ourselves lucky for the friends we made and will keep for our waning lives, and those that we had lost, and had a drink in their behest. And then it was all gone; we were slowly being ushered out the door because Betty was tired, Donnie was annoyed that Tom, the shittiest bartender of recorded history, was still working, though his shift had ended 4 hours earlier, and I almost murdered that hippie fuck. What the bar had become was obviously foreign to us now, and we were glad to leave it as a fond memory.
To you drinkers out there, let this be a cautionary tale. If you love your local bar, embrace it fully, drinking its wondrous filth from the floor as if it were your essence. Change will infect it, and bars come and go, so hold onto your friends and memories that you garnered along the way, for they will travel with you until your dying day, keeping the good times alive. But above all, cherish your local until that day comes, for bars like the Stoned Crow are getting rarer. Happy New Year.

Good and Bad Party films just in time for New Year's!

Well, it's almost time for New Year's Eve. For those of us in the service industry, this is a night we dread almost as much as if we were not working and among the throngs of over-intoxicated swarms who spill out of parties in the middle of the night and terrorize our locals. So in  honor of them, here are some party films which are worth watching if you decide to be safe and stay home, only imagining what could have, but most likely, would not have occurred had you ventured out.
Cloverfield: I love this movie. I know, I'm in a minority, but it holds a special place in my heart as it tugged at my post-9/11 stress disorder quite effectively. My buddy Stu and I walked out of the theater with the urge to run through Manhattan's cold, dark streets. And with a mutual hatred of house parties. The characters are perfect as vapid, grating Manhattanites caught trapped between their own vapidness and a giant tentacled monster. Great monster movie. The party scene will remind you why you stay in Brooklyn!
Night of the Demons: I love this terrible 80's film. Six kids get together on Halloween to raid an abandoned mansion, and find it more haunted than their libidos. Watch really bad dance numbers, grisly yet awful death scenes, and a heroine that will bore you into sheer disdain! Watch as the poor man's Richard Grieco (I know, wasn't he the poor man's somebody or other?!?) plods through the film as the worst tough guy in history! You'll love it!
The Vampire Happening: What happens when you cast a Playboy playmate in a madcap 70's comedy about vampires, with Dracula veteran Ferdy Mayne and a really strange over-the-top flamboyant gay man! Nothing good! Goofy sidekicks and horny vampire priests only further harm the viewer as they wait for the next breast flash! Watch if you dare!
Love At First Bite: No one parties like George Fucking Hamilton! This film is funny for those who love campy 70's comedy (e.g.The Vampire Happening, if it were funny ). This is the palest Hamilton ever was in his life, and thought the film doesn't quite hold up so well to modern comedic sensibility, I still love it for its brazen cheesiness, and can watch it over and over again...with the right medication, of course.

Some Real Gems From Michigan

So, while stranded in Michigan for another day, I can only hope that there are more of these absolute gems from people who shall remain anonymous...you know who you are...
"How OLD is this salt?!?"- after tasting a newly salted treat. Salt doesn't really change much. Or spoil. Let's try this answer! "Ummm...about 6 million YEARS old."
"Was Hitler his first name or his last name?" - a real question about Adolf Hitler. Wow.
"(Anonymous dog name), no dice! I mean bark!"
"I haven't cried in a movie in 20 years, but No End In Sight brought me to my knees!" Yep, it was about as moving as The Bridges of Madison County. Or Madonna's version of Evita. Sigh.
"Thank you for calling American Airlines. Our associates are assisting other customers..." after three hours.
"So, is Palin DONE yet?" Sadly...no. Not as long as there are deer to be murdered for political gain.
Me-"It's my tradition to stay up on Xmas Eve and get hammered. Will you stay up with me?" Wife, who shall remain anonymous-"ZZZZZZZZZZZ" Dog who shall remain anonymous "ZZZZZZZZZZZ" Sigh. Such is life. Merry Xmas.

The Worst Santa Films Ever.

Bah Humbug, bitches! These trying times have reminded me of one Santa film which righteously, outright sucks, and another whose existence confuses the hell out of me. I don't get confused that often.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, lampooned by Mystery Science Theater 3000, tells the awful tale of Santa, as he confounds the Martian people! They plan to steal Santa so he can bring cheer to Martian children! Oh, but he's a clever minx, and he runs circles around these technologically advanced fuckers! Droppo, a Martian Jerry Lewis/Victor Borge lovechild (without the piano skills...or acting skills for that matter)  is given the task of comic foil; epic failure. Also, playing a really irritating ten-year-old girl is really irritating 80's D-list performer Pia Zadora in her first role. For added laughs, find and watch the MST3K version. It's one of their landmark episodes, containing the catchy tune, Let's All Have A Patrick Swayze Christmas.
Possibly one of the most confusing holiday films I have ever been blessed with perusing is Santa Claus: The Movie. Warning: most films which include The Movie as part of the title blow (eg. Tales From the Darkside: The Movie or Care Bears: The Movie. If you say Transformers: The Movie, we're no longer friends. Cause it rules.) Santa is played by Dave Huddleston, Mr. Lebowski to some, and isn't bad. John Lithgow is at his wonderfully campy villainous best. However, the issue with this film: Why does it even exist? Between a stunningly large budget for any 80's film, hypothermia death (not really for kids, but it's in there!) , explosive candy canes, overexpressive reindeer and a sober(?) Dudley Moore, this film is a complete shitshow from start to finish; a shitshow worth pounding a bottle of Four Loko and watching! One scene worth noting: a very adult Congressional Committee scene that harkens back to the 60's McCarthy AntiAmerican Committees, with the hilarious Mr. Lithgow, that makes this film slightly bearable, though confusing: this was for KIDS?!? Oh well. Have you NO sense of decency, Mr. Salkind? Have you no sense of DECENCY!

Holiday Travel

Before three years ago, I had never travelled during the holidays. I had always stayed in New York in order to visit my mother, as well as pick up any work I could. Times have changed; I now share the holidays with my wife, flinging myself across this vast land to Michigan. I now get to experience the wonders of holiday travel that I had only heard of in legend.
Travel Bathrooms:  One similarity I've noticed between airport and rest stop mens' rooms that perplexes me: why are all the handicapped stalls so fucked up?!? I don't get it. Are these malformed individuals slobs, or is it the mass of upright vagabonds that forget that there is a hole exposing a basin of disposable water for their dumping convenience? Gross. It was like walking into a Hubbel museum. Seriously. And why the multiple defecation rooms? It's not The Price Is Right! (I'll take door #2! Damn it, a wok!) I had more trouble getting out of the tiled maze than droppin' a deuce.
Architecture: I was amazed, as we passed through Ohio searching for a rest stop, at the intricate details of the mini-mall we now call rest stops. There was a fucking GAME ROOM under a rotunda and a food court. Granted, I haven't played Hydro Thunder in a while, but I wasn't planning on staying. You see, we were going somewhere. No need for the 5 fast food joints and a gift shop. Really? A gift shop? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I will get my mom a souvenir from scenic Akron if it kills me!!!
Travellers: Why, whether I've gone by air or land, am I exposed to the most inane dress code imaginable? Why dress your five-year-old like the groundskeeper from Caddyshack? Why wear fatigues and hunter orange? It's not even hunting season! What about the fleece jammie bottoms? You're still in wildly unsanitary public. Also, is it a requirement to wear the touristy Ohio sweatshirts as a team? It was like a hick Sparkle Motion! Even if you're from Ohio, guys? What happened to dressing either nice or comfy...or both? OMFG! Oh well, if you see something, say something!

Time to wrap shit for people. Tomorrow...Midwest shopping!!! Also, thanks for the 1000 hits in three weeks! I'm flattered. Spread the words...

What comes out during the holidays...

During holidays seasons, sinister human/drinker subspecies make their ways to their neighborhood bars. Having consumed 17 shots of Goldschlager at their office parties, they are ready to spew forth flecks of ignorance and dance jigs of inanity...
The Weekend Warriors: These drinking folk normally spend two full days and nights pounding tequila, whiskey and white russians in that order with the fervor of a thirsty feral badger, from Friday happy hour to Sunday's last football games. During the holidays, these shitheads infect the bars you call home to copulate in your photo booth and vomit in your computer bag. Joy to the World!!!
The Ne'er Do Bads: These good honest people wait until the season of good timings to listen to the tiny demon inside them, waiting until large public gatherings to do their first (and last) buttery nipples, soon nose-diving into full night-makeout sessions with an octagenarian named Maude. They are the stuff of hilarious, water cooler gossip. Unless you're poor Maude, of course.
The Classic Douchebag Who Nobody Likes: He's the guy that walks up to the bar and drops a $20 tip, as if to say to the bartender, "This is my asshole fee. You're about to have a long night". Soon, Mr. Dickless is skipping names on the pool table, hitting on the bar owner's wife, and screaming that someone stole his ascot! It's not that this douchebag doesn't drink. It's that he drinks tawny port while cavorting with his douche-in-arms, chuckling about stocks and funny adultery stories. He's at your bar by unhappy accident.
The Always Do Bads: You know these guys because of that one time last year when they sucker-punched that hipster kid and ran. They are legends in their neighborhood, usually with nicknames like "Guitar ___" or "Loose Cannon". They are the tough talkers who disappear for months at at time, only to reappear when your bar is at its most motley. You can feel them enter, like Dracula when he passes a rose bush. And they never leave easily.

Beware, my dear well-schooled imbibers! These holiday bugaboos will disappear with the last and worst holiday, the drinkers' nightmare, New Year's! Hide if you can, but don't engage them. Just observe from a  safe distance.

Epic failure

After a weekend of innumerable holiday parties and binging, I can now agree on a few characteristics of what can only be described as EPIC FAILURE:
1- You drink and eat non-stop for 24 hours, then throw up AFTER you wake up the next day. At the scent of a chicken wing. Epic fail.
2- You break an entire bottle of Jameson and splash it all over your legs. Soberly. Before you go out. Epic fail.
3- You try to show how durable your phone is by biting it. Then you break it. By biting it. Epic fail. 
4- In a fit of loneliness, your dog tears through your trash, full of toxic grapes. In your frenzied discovery, you fail to pick up all grapes, and slip on one, doing a split in your kitchen. You try to avoid the split by turning your leg, tearing your knee. Epic fail.
5- You fall asleep with your drink-induced takeout food on your lap. You wake up with the food eaten by your dog, its remnants smeared on your crotch. Epic fail.
Feel free to share your own!

Awake at midnight and wishing...

I had noodles. I hafta go to work now. Everyone will be WASTED...Oh well... Go Jets...Go...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DXMVG8fo3g

Holiday Film #2!!!

Bored?!? Well, this film will get you up and about! Jack Frost (not with Michael Keaton, and not the Russo-Finnish creepy kids flick) stars...nobody. It's a film about a serial killer doused with some obscure formula carried in a gas tanker...and becomes a living snowman. And kills people. Worth a look for those of you disgusted by the holidays.
Taking a day off tomorrow! 3 holiday parties in 24 hours! May not survive...

Poor, poor Terrance Mann

What happens when you take a burgeoning stage star, give him 15 lines of useless "Kill the Crites" dialogue, and make him the star of your terrible horror movie? Yep! You ruin his film career!
Terrance Mann was the star of Cats, Les Miserables and Barnum, all in lead roles. With his theatre legend already established, Mann chose to enter the world of film. Unfortunately for him, he chose poorly. His first attempt at film stardom was in Critters, a cheesy horror film from Mick Garris. He plays an alien bounty hunter searching for the title creatures. With the exception of seeing a young Billy Zane getting eaten alive, Critters has limited Oscar moments. So following the film's modest success, what does Mr. Mann do? He signs on for ALL THREE SEQUELS. The rest is history. If you watch Critters 1 and 2 back-to-back, you can see the toll this took on poor Terrance, as he appears to have taken to cheeseburger gorging and booze guzzling.
Mr. Mann continued to achieve mega-stardom on Broadway,and is still lauded as one of the most recognizable voices on the Great White Way, but his talents (and oddly long, Tim Curry-esque features) never transcended to film success. I suggest seeing the Critters films for their goofy humor, and to watch the descent of poor Terrance Mann into madness.

I MISS GEORGE CARLIN.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeSSwKffj9o&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDkhzHQO7jY&feature=related

20 minutes of your day, devoted to cheering you up for the holidays.

So now that it's fucking freezing...

I have suggestions to keep you warm AND entertained!
1)See me at work for heavy doses of whiskey and sharp cynical wit. I will begin showing bad Xmas horror films starting today.
2) Watch Silent Night Deadly Night 1 and 2 at home! When I was a kid, parents' groups and the Catholic Church were in an uproar over this movie (ironic that the Church would get mad over the portrayal of a fictitious character based loosely on a Catholic saint that takes focus away from the birth of their SAVIOR...maybe it's just me) because of its use of a murder-obsessed Santa who screams "Punish!!!" when he kills...hilariously awful. The sequel is 20x better because half the film is just flashbacks from the first. Way to save $$$, guys.
So do those in any combination. My blog is Cheese and TERROR!!!, and I approve this message.

I used to be able to buy a hot dog for a nickel...

As some of you know, I take pride in being born here. New York of the 70's-early 90's was an unsafe, unsavory town, listed among, if not the #1 most dangerous big city in America. Taking the subway late at night wasn't just an adventure, it was a challenge to the thieves and murderers, screaming "Come get me, motherfuckers!!!" like a stray member of the Warriors. Times have changed, and the city is safe. And really fucking expensive.
So as one of the city's old-timey endangered species, I was furious to read this article:  http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/dec/12/new-york-brooklyn-williamsburg-gentrification Really?!? Being mad because Duane Reade, a multiple decade resident of New York (granted, a large corporation) is moving into YOUR part of town? That it's too expensive to live here NOW?!?
Ok. Turn back time ten years when the two bedroom railroad I shared on S.2nd was $700. If you're mad that you're getting pushed out of your apartment because your landlord wants to raise your studio rent from $1800 to $2600, you can:  a) fight it (you'll lose) .  b) realize that this all started with YOU. c) shut up and move to Bed Stuy. Or is it called East East East Williamsburg?  Gentrification is not just starting. These changes are the result of the real gentrification which started when Bedford Ave. wasn't safe past Metropolitan, McCarren park was full of glass shards and needles, and the Yabby was still open, and Sweetwater smelled like vomit, not escargot. Don't know what these places are? Then you were a part of the wave. Sorry to break it to you.
Yes, I'm one of those "You hipsters changed my neighborhood!" guys. It did change. And yes, it's better to live here now than the past, when I was afraid of being shot in my bathroom by my landlord (true story circa 1994). But please don't complain because the gentrification didn't stop with your triumphant arrival. Now it's your turn to get priced out of Williamsburg. Now, I'm gonna go watch The Warriors on repeat then prance around dressed like a Fury.

And WHO thought this was a good idea?!?

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/12/weekinreview/12chan.html?hp

This should scare the pants right off you! Mr. I want to abolish the IRS and Social Security, Sen. Ron Paul, is the new chairman of the Senate subcommittee that oversees...aliens? NO, even better! Ummm...toy safety?!? Nope, try again! Uh oh...oversees the...gulp...Federal Reserve in the time of a depression?!? BINGO!!! Mr. Paul thinks the Fed is a corrupt evil empire that should be dissolved. And replaced by...what? Oh, right, being a critic doesn't mean presenting actual solutions. Good luck, Bernakke.

Antibiotics blow a bag of dicks

They do. They work slowly, they last waaaaaayyyy too long, and they don't go well with a cocktail. Kind of like Star Wars Episodes 1-3. Luckily I'm taking them with my steroid-laden, $150 asthma medication. Yep. That was the cost AFTER insurance deductible and such. Health care can suck a bag of dicks also.
Yep, can't drink...
I went into a liquor store to buy a bottle of wine for a dinner party and left with four. If I can't get drunk, everyone around me needs to get righteously shitcanned so I can be thoroughly amused.
Wanna feel my pain?!? Just watch Cocktail with Mr. Cruise. You won't want to drink for a week either.
Yep. I'm bitter. Time for Grandpa to take a nap.

Comic Explosion!!!

So, the trailers for two movies and one unrequested sequel have been released. I suggest you watch all three. You have ten minutes.
In its attempt to ruin everything I loved as a kid(comics, sports, toys, and being by myself), Hollywood is making attempts to make EVERY COMIC AND TOY EVER into a film.
Thor casts an Australian noone knows with n English actor people wish would go away. I know I can be cynical. Watch the trailer and tell me that casting the man who once was an actor, Anthony Hopkins, as fucking ODIN isn't screaming of epic failure. Please tell me there is a sequel with Beta Ray Bill in the works...
Michael Bay must have been thinking, how could I further sully the history of Hollywood filmmaking? I've already destroyed the concept of scriptwriting, plot development, and common sense plot twists. I've brought new wonder to 12 year old boys' eyes...only to tear it down by firing my only draw to an assinine film series...I know!!! Let me rewrite one of mankind's real triumphs over imagination by making it a ridiculous conspiracy!!! Moon landing?!? Bah! They were there to find some Decepticons! Yep. Watch the trailer. Prepare to be embarassed.
Surprisingly, Green Lantern has some promise. It appears to be taking the comic almost verbatim, casting a somewhat likeable guy in the lead (I even thought he was ok as Deadpool in Wolverine...ok, maybe I was drunk, but who wasn't who went to see that?) and adding one of the Skaarsgards that should be in a comic movie(my wife wanted Eric from True Blood for Thor. I agree. He's charming.) The suit's a little tight, but I'm sure it's a breathable material. Unlike the behemoth Batman costumes that look like a lead suit.
See these trailers. Tell me what you think.

A Sad Day For Lower East Side, West Village

I thought it was bad enough to hear that one of my favorite bars in NY, a bar I frequented as a TEENAGER 18 years ago  (old man!), was closing at the end of the month. But three of them!!!
 Today it was announced that Mars Bar, one of the dirtiest, grimiest watering holes in NY, full of punk sensitivity and puke scars, may be closed by the end of next month. If you have never entered said bar, I strongly suggest you do. Like getting a rare disease, you'll tell all your friends how you got through it, feel the pain of it mentally and physically for years, but cherish the memory always like a war wound. I first went to Mars Bar as a teen. No one wants you there, the drinks are strong as fuck, and the bathroom smells like garbage. Why will I miss it? For the time a guy passed out in the corner, his foot-tall mohawk bent against the wall as his girlfriend screamed for him to wake up from his heroin haze. Or the memory of surviving it. Either way, try to head there before they "temporarily" close it for two years. It ain't comin' back, folks.
Max Fish on Ludlow will also be closing within the next few months. I always liked the artsy interior. And cheap drinks. Mostly the drinks. And the fact that all these ritsy, bullshit poser bars that have moved into the area, jacking up the rent, would not have been able to if Max Fish didn't do it first and best, outliving Ludlow Bar, Z Bar and Korova Milk Bar. Wow, I really sound old now. Damn whippersnappers! Sigh...
This last one bothered me the most, because when I heard The Stoned Crow was closing, I wasn't surprised. I started frequenting the Crow in 1993. I was drawn to the pristine pool table,  the people and the atmosphere. The owner, Betty, sat by the table to make sure that the games were "properly" played, and to protect the table from yuppie beer-splashing. As the years went on, I played on their pool teams, even briefly worked here and there, and made life-long friends. All things change. For recent years, loyal patrons were constantly reminded of the bar's significant debts as these valiant drinkers wondered aloud why they no longer got buybacks. In fact, I once received a $150 bill with shots I never ordered, and was told by Betty that I had to suck it up and deal, and that I was drunk. I disagreed, having been on antibiotics for the past week, and was dead sober. Oh yeah, and I was forced to tip as well or be expelled. I relocated my pool team that season to a different bar, and returned to the Crow only for special events. My wife loathes it there because of the treatment we receive when we have returned. Keeping in contact with other regulars, I realized these weren't isolated incidents, as they've mostly been pushed away. 
Though I like to hold on to the past (just ask my wife) , in this instance, it's past the time for the Crow to go, sunk by poor ownership and hiring mistakes. I will miss Donnie's quick wit and the beautiful bar, but I've missed the Crow of the past for some time now.
If the Library Bar closes, I won't ever go below 14th St. again. I mean it. Can't one smelly dive bar survive?!?
Like the Abbey?!? Hehehe...

Some gifts keep on giving...

This birthday, I received a fine bottle of Malbec (thanks Jim and Katy!) and a ten dollar check from my mom. The gift which I have gotten the most wear-and-tear from so far is a forgotten film called Red Sonja. By 1985, Arnold Schwarzeneggar was a huge success. He had starred in both Conan the Barbarian films, The Terminator, and was scheduled to appear in major box office fare for the next several years. However, he still had a debt to pay to the studio and producer who had launched his career, recently deceased Dino DeLaurentis. He agreed to play Conan again, opposite his Conan love interest, Sandahl Bergman, in Red Sonja, based on a character from the Conan stories written by successfully suicidal Robert E. Howard (lucky for him he never got to see Red Sonja). Conan later decided that he didn't want to be Conan again, so they changed his character's name(that'll do it!). Bergman, apparently thinking the lead in Pretty Woman was just around the bend, declined the lead role for fear of being typecasted. She unfortunately went on to be typecasted as "that Conan lady who can't act", appearing in such box office treats as Hell Comes to Frogtown, opposite Rowdy Roddy Piper. Nice job! Wooooo!!! Talk about her career taking a snake arrow to the heart!
So model Brigitte Nielsen(Mrs. Gastineau, Mrs. FlavorFlav) was cast as Red Sonja, and a complete shitbomb was detonated on audiences everywhere. At the premiere, Maria Shriver exclaimed to Ah-nold, "If this doesn't kill your career, nothing will!" Few films of the 80's were so in need of, and denied, gratuitous nudity!
I triple dog dare you to sit through the awkwardly adorable spin kicks of diminutive Ernie Reyes, Jr! Bow to his oafish servant Falkon as he hits you in the head with an oversized bone! If you really have gumption, sonny, find and watch Frogtown afterwards. You will hunt me down and strangle me!

Things to Remember About Your Birthday

#1- Water is your friend before you start drinking. After the fact is just like trying to catch a cheetah. And do you really want to chase the cheetah or be the cheetah?
#2- When you invite a bunch of people out for your birthday, remember: you do not have to do shots with ALL OF THEM.
#3- Sleep the day before your birthday. You may not get the chance to do so the day after. You will not be happy when you wake up. Trust me.
#4- Make sure your attendees can keep up with your consumption pace. Otherwise you'll be the last one standing. By 10pm.
#5- Only make an ass out of yourself to strangers. Your friends will defend you, unless you make an ass out of them too. Then you're on your own.
#6- Don't eat anything with a cream sauce before or after you drink.
#7- Don't bartend during your birthday party. The party won't reach you until you are done. Then it may be too late.
#8- Pepto.
#9- Greasy food is best for hangovers. Not during your evening.
#10- If you're on a diet, suspend it for your birthday. And spend time training for a few days beforehand.
 #10 1/2- When it's over, it's over. Save up for the next 364 days. Then repeat.

So, since it's my birthday...

You all have homework because I may be in no condition to type tomorrow. If you have Netflix, watch Nightbeast or Creature.
Then comment for me. I love both these films because of their obvious, in-your-face cheesiness and mind-boggling special effects, both being ripoffs of Alien and any decent monster-on-Earth film. Come to think of it, there aren't many.
Sorry, Gort.

So I saw Rare Exports last night...

You should see it. It's a Finnish film working with the premise that Santa Claus wasn't really the fun-loving friend of all children, but a 30 ft. tall goblin who eats them. Don't take my word for it; my wife loved it. That should count for something, especially since I'm still getting flack for taking her to see Skyline. Don't see it. I mean, rent it, but don't pay $13. You'll just get mad. www.rareexportsmovie.com

Sen Bernie Sanders Needs You to Listen. So do I. Then do something to help.

If you haven't already seen this...here it is again...

Best poster ever. Horrible. I'm gonna go watch the two Garfield movies instead. Yeeesh.

So, maybe you didn't know this...neither did I...

Ok, so those who know me know I have a pretty extensive memory for film trivia/knowledge(and modesty too...ok, maybe not). I've followed the career of Michael Mann, the director best known for Miami Vice, Ali, The Insider, Collateral, yadda yadda yadda, since I was a teenager. Manhunter was my favorite creepy thriller (also the first appearance of Hannibal Lechter, played by Bryan Cox), also directed by said Mann.
So I know, you're saying, Joe! What does this hafta do with horror? Michael Mann never did a horror movie...
AH HAH!!!
I didn't think so either! Then I found The Keep, one of his first films from 1983. It stars a young, dashing Gabriel Byrne as an evil Nazi, a never-fetching Jurgen Prochnow (Das Boot!)...wow, he really IS an ugly man!...playing a morally conflicted Nazi, 80's fave Scott Glenn from The Right Stuff (not the far inferior Cohen film about killer yogurt, The Stuff)... and wait for it...IAN FUCKING MCKELLEN! Acadamy Fucking Award nominated Ian McKellen!
And here's the kicker: it's a good film!!! Nazis die! Evil fails! Scott Glenn gets beat up! With the 80's Krautrock (not a word I made up) band, Tangerine Dream, performing the score, this synth-rockin' film has everything a decent 80's horror film contains. See it. It's out there somewhere...maybe on Net-something-something... hint...hint...

Farewell, Shithead...

I was in my dentist's chair this morning, reminiscing about my early days of yore, a chubby 80's prepubescent chubster who sat at home and watched movies all day. Not just any movies, mind you. Bad, no, really terribly bad films. I realized, as my heavy-handed pain wielder chopped through each tooth, that not much had changed.
I still love ice cream waaaaay too much.
I still love really terrible cinema.
I still HATE the fucking dentist.
So with the rest of the day before me, I thought, what film series most reminded me of my troubled youth? What films encapsulated the 80's film penchant for ignoring the laws of physics, time, space and common sense(see Hughes films), 80's "style" (you know if you were alive, you dressed that way, too), but also forgot that scripts sometimes needed to be cohesive, at times linear, or at least, simply make a modicum of sense.
These films? The Highlander series.
Imagine, you're Russell Mulcahy, the creator/director of Highlander. You've succeeded beyond your wildest dreams, envisioning and realizing a film about unexplainably immortal men(as they're always men...insert appropriate feminist rant here)who must battle to the death, beheading the loser, absorbing said loser's dragon-like energy, until one sword-wielding maniac remains, at which time he suddenly becomes god. Except he can't really tell you what that's like, either. A god with no cognitive thought or diction.
You cast a Frenchman to play a Scotsman, a Scotsman to play a Spaniard, and an American to play an evil punk Huguenot. And they battle in NYC, where, obviously, noone gives a shit who lives or dies. Talk Queen into doing your soundtrack and...somehow it becomes a massive success! Holy Shit!!!
So you think...how can I top this? Think, Russell...that's it! I didn't explain how they came to be...so I'll make them...ALIENS?!?
Good thinking, shithead. Make them aliens from a world. Who love swords. Was Errol Fucking Flynn from there, too? Jesus Christ on a cross! So you bring back the Frenchman, Chris Lambert, and the Scotsman, the eternally egotistical misogynist Sean "Every woman deserves a good slap in the face now and again" Connery and an even more ridiculous script, erase all charm from the original film, and voila! Here's a film turd for the ages!And...goodbye. Russell Mulcahy. Farewell, shithead(also a quote from the film).
A film that, mind you, I recommend thoroughly. Why? Because the spirit of 80's cinema, good or bad, spills from these crap heaps like lava through Pompeii. But watch them together, I implore you. Oh, and in case you were wondering, there were a few more Highlander films, each of which ignore the space alien angle. You should ignore them, too.