Unfriended

I was working at Barfly last night, talking to my buddy, Randall. I mentioned to him that I hadn't written my blog in a long time. Without skipping a beat, he exclaimed, "HAVE YOU WATCHED UNFRIENDED?!?" And with that one challenge, my blog has been reborn, like a phoenix made of trash, renewed through a dumpster fire.
So I watched Unfriended, mostly so you wouldn't have to suffer through an hour and a half, watching 6 young actors remind us as to why we're doomed as a species. The basic plot is this: watch a vengeful ghost torture and kill her asshole friends via Skype, who may have posted an embarassing video which lead to her suicide the year prior. Simple enough, right? Oh, no. Not even close. Don't misconstrue this as an opaque way to laud this heap of burnt hair as cinematic gold. Here's some quick tidbits:
- The friends all may have a hand in the one girl's suicide, as they filmed her passing out at a kegger and crapping her pantaloons. I'm already charmed by these pricks, so I will definitely root for them. Those are lies; Team ghost ON FLEEK! Oh, holy crap. why would I say that...
- The action takes place while all 6 friends are Skype-ing each other, as they often do? I frequently make lighthearted fun of millennials and younger for their inability to speak to each other in person, so this type of group interaction is welcome as a prom birth for me. Increased hatred: check!
- The ghost joins in on ghoul Skype to turn them slowly against each other, of course possessing them one at a time(!), all the while ferreting out whoever posted the video online. Somehow...because science. These sewer rats must attend Fuckface High in Dickhead, Bumblefuck; they are the worst children of the worst parents in modern times (who should be publicly shamed in some old-timey town square event complete with ye ol' stone throw).
- Oh, did it need to be said that they've all been fucking each other and their boyfriends and girlfriends, and now they're all mad and sad and wishing each other dead? Oh no, how could they?!? In high school?!? IN AMERICA?!? Sigh. Oh, except for the fat kid. He just knows computers. A firewall seals his demise. I mean it. That's his only crime. I mean, that and being a creepy basement-dweller stereotype. And I think he laughed at her once...because she shit her pants at a party, which may or may not be kinda funny. Just sayin'. No reason to possess a body and stick some hands in a blender. Poor fat kid.
- Did I mention the ghost was, prior to suicide, a living, breathing piece of human garbage as well? Yep. Before passing out, she attacks people, cursing and screaming at them. That explains their friendships!
I had very low expectations for this film, and they were met with glaring ease. MTV produced it, so it wasn't geared toward me, but to a teen audience? Does MTV think all their current young adult fans are mouth-breathing assholes? Did someone, somewhere, while writing this abomination, smirk and say aloud, "This is really going to reach young people!" I hope not. That's fear talking. They're voting age this year; a full onslaught of idiots who like that Trump tells it like it is, and think scissoring is real. View at the risk of existential dread, folks. We're doomed.

 http://giphy.com/gifs/unfriended-scary-4deSYPz0dJPPO