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Saturday, June 25, 2016

Clown

Any time the name Eli Roth is associated with a film or series, I cringe. On occasion, I am only mildly disappointed with the result. I saw Cabin Fever in the theater upon its release, and went in with zero expectations. They were met.
So a year and a half ago, when I saw the initial trailer for Clown, brought to us by "Master of Horror" Eli Roth...yes, someone was paid, by either Roth or the studio, to say that line without laughing out loud...I was a bit apprehensive.
So let's fast-forward to this past Tuesday night/Wednesday morning...work was fine, I think maybe I tweaked my ankle on a step to the cellar...then woke up in sharp pain with my ankle rolled up in a bed sheet. By end of day, I could barely hobble around. By 1am, my ankle was a throbbing, useless stump upon which I could not stand.
So by the next evening, realizing that I would likely miss multiple, multiple shifts...maybe not have rent...I was a bit depressed. So, with trusty pooch by my side, I decided to rally, find the worst movie I could find and share it with you! And I found...sigh, FUCKING CLOWN.
So let's get to it. The basic premise is as follows: a kindly dad, hearing that the clown he hired(fuck you, dad) for his kid's birthday party, that the kid WANTED (fuck you, kid) had been double booked, and cancelled. First and foremost, THIS NEVER HAPPENS. Why?!? Because: what two sadistic fucks hire a clown for the same day anywhere where people have taste and brains!!! This is also a town which, Mom's drunk friend at a kids' party mentions, THERE'S A FUCKING CHUCK E. CHEESE NEARBY. Also, having been in a situation where strippers were overbooked, they just go to both, spend half the time there, and then leave, hoping to get paid the same amount. So there's that.
So Dad, a real estate agent, working in a house he's renovating for resale, finds a dubious box in the basement, which contains the weirdest looking clown costume of all time. So, why not use that? Thanks, God!!!
Then he can't get the thing off, it slowly turns him into a "CLOYNE", or a child-eating demon. And it's a suit made of demon skin, yaddayaddayadda, fill in the blanks, horrible death scenes, and movie!
So in the middle of this plot(ha) he finds the costumer who owned the suit, and goes to him for help. The guy (Peter Stormare)explains that the suit was part of an antiques purchase, was "perfect"when he saw it, until he realized it was made of demon skin. Then he tries to decapitate Clown Dad, as that's the only way to fix the curse now changing our hapless-at-everything victim/hero/clown.OR he can eat 5 kids. Sounds like a pretty easy decision to me, I live in Park Slope. Lots to go around.

So a few notes on scenes from the film:
- You learn that Stormare's character once donned the suit, and his brother saved him by feeding him(as Cloyne) 5 children. Then the suit melts off. So, if the suit melts off, how is there another suit later? And, he mentions that he didn't remember any of what happened, so how did he know? Did his sick fuck brother tell him? "hey, by the way, oh this is so silly, you're gonna laugh at this one: you turned into a demonic clown and I fed you 5 kids. Ok, peace!"
-Mom, tempted to save her husband(who has already eaten three nice kids, and one piece of shit kid), kidnaps a child, bringing the kid to a lake house. The cops show up, and seem to be arresting her. In a minute, she's driving home to save her son and her dad(spoiler alert: you know due to hints in the film that he's not gonna make it...because he's a dick). Do police not arrest kidnappers anymore? Isn't that kind of a big deal? How did that conversation go?
Officer: Ma'am, why did you abduct this child, take her to an abandoned lakehouse and lock her out of the car?
Mom: So my demon Cloyne husband could eat her, and turn human again.
Officer: Valid point, ma'am, our mistake. You're free to go. Good hunting.
-Stormare, while helping Mom find ClownDad, stumble upon a nice set of small bones. Stormare says, "These are the bones of an 8yr old." Jesus tittyfuck, creepiest old dude ever!!! How the fuck does he know THAT!!! Nope, too small for 9, too big for 7. What. The. Fuck.
-A big, crazy scene takes place in the aforementioned Check E. Cheese. Where they could have held their son's stupid birthday party. They deserve all of this.
-The creepy kid is waaaaay too obsessed with clowns, and isn't in the slightest afraid of his dad as a stupid clown-borg. This kid is fucked up.
 This film surprised me. Even though Roth didn't write, direct, or star in the film, it still filled me with dread and loathing for him. His name often means suck sandwich, and even though he's barely a producer, here it was in all it's trash glory. This wasn't a total waste of time, as it slightly distracted me from throbbing excruciating ankle pain.
So see it, if you like child bones, plot holes, bad writing, and root for clowns to oppress mankind. Or rent Killer Klowns From Outer Space; it's a better film, trust me. And avoid all things Eli Roth, for everyone's sake.

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