This is what I do during a hurricane...

I revive my blog!
Cheese and Terror RETURNS!!!
Enough of that. While I had a captive audience(wife + dog) during the worst disaster to hit NYC since the mid-90's Godzilla movie, I felt the need to watch the worst possible film releases of the last few years.
I was surprised by the fall of Kitsch this year. Taylor Kitsch was poised to be the next film star. He was cast in two big-budget blockbusters(John Carter), and another film by a lauded director. How could this possibly go wrong?!?
Well, for a few reasons:
a)WHO THE FUCK IS TAYLOR KITSCH?!? Unless you watched a TV show based on a film, which had no more than a cult following, you had no clue who this asshat was.
b) A production company doesn't always spend a lot of money on a WINNER. Kitsch took on two roles that no one else wanted. That should have been a pretty big hint. Brad Pitt? Nope. Tom Cruise? Nope. Fuck, Nathan Fillion didn't want these roles, and he took White Noise II!
c) Oliver Stone hasn't made a great film in a decade. And he's fucking crazy.
d) When your name sounds synonymous to a word used to describe "A form of art that is considered an inferior, tasteless copy of an extant {sic}style"-(Urban Dictionary), and your first name is generally used for ladies(see: Boy Named Sue), you've got a PR problem. Names mean a lot in Hollywood. Just ask Skeet Ulrich.
e) You picked a film BASED ON A FUCKING BOARD GAME! Even Uwe Boll doesn't do that! And he sucks!
So, Battleship is one of the worst films ever made. No question. There are few films that mix pop stars, poor scripts, Academy Award nominees in 5 minute paychecks cameos, and an unknown lead with a terrible name, that end up as good films. In fact, none of them have.
Most poignant scene, you ask? Oh, lord...probably the scene where they enlist Korean war retirees to man the USS Missouri. Yeah, I said it. Spoiler alert. Oh, wait, that's supposed to be in front...Take THAT for all the Dexter spoilers...you know who you are...
A 10 minute "suspenseful" battle scene was concocted, using buoy radar plotting (WTF!) to draw the connection between film and board game. I'm not making this shit up. Seriously, this all happened.
Watching characters die in this film brought me sheer joy, only marred by the persistent life essence of the obnoxious, monotone Taylor Kitsch. 
So watch it, but be warned: the warm glow of Liam Neeson shines through for all of 4 total minutes(not an understatement, I timed it), so what you're left with is a twisted pile of metal. Don't think for a minute that this means I will watch John Carter for you. I can only handle so much.

He looks like he's taking a fat dump. In a way, he did. It's called Battleship. It's all over your screen.

Tentacles!

What do you get when you pair legendary Academy Award winning director John Huston(in an acting capacity) with legendary Academy Award winning actor, Henry Fonda, add Academy Award winning actress Shelley Winters, and throw in TV favorite Claude Akins to round out the all-star cast?!?A monstrous turd called Tentacles! This film was wretched out to theaters in 1978 in response to the "The water is FREAKING TERRIFYING!!!!" trend in film-making during the 1970's, the brainchild of Italian filmmakers. We're not talking Argento or Bava, or even Fulci here. It's basically some random Italian guys with a lot of disposable income.
It's summertime in Ocean Beach, and that only means PERIL!!! With nearly-identical plot lines to Jaws, like bad guys trying to keep the beach open as the octopus(yep, you read that right. A killer octopus) devours its victims with pristine accuracy and stealth, and good guys trying to find the beast before it's too late, this film reeks worse than the Fulton Fish Market in a heat wave. Talk about casting failure?!? Claude Akins, aka TV's Sheriff Lobo, plays...a sheriff. Henry Fonda, admittedly one of the most likable men in film history plays...an evil tycoon! When you see how this film's "writers" decide to set this dung heap apart from the rest of the killer sea dweller genre, you'll piss your pants. Seriously, it's truly heinous. Please watch this film, especially for the ludicrous attack sequences! This is a true gem squeezed from Satan's ass cheeks.