Finally...an award worth celebrating!

I wanted to take this opportunity to congratulate Ernest Borgnine on his being awarded the SAG(Screen Actors Guild) Lifetime Achievement Award. Few are more worthy. I may even try to find a bar which will show it so I can watch this historic moment.

Smells like an Ernest Borgnine marathon on the horizon...

We're Doomed.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/28/opinion/28krugman.html?src=me&ref=general

How can a country survive when the government is full of people who don't know how to run...a government? Or don't know what's happening anywhere else? If a plan is proving to fail in another country, how can anyone say, "Well, that won't happen here, because...we're America!"
We're doomed. Prepare the lifeboats, people, this ship is taking in water.
Just watch this.

Feel better? No! Then watch this at 9pm tonight!

 Yesssssss...

Hardware

Back in 1990, NC-17 was adopted as a way of replacing the stigma of a triple X rating. The first films to be labeled were Henry & June and Hardware. Back when I first saw Hardware, I thought it was, if anything, unique. However, I was also a teenager, and failed to examine (or, unfortunately, remember) some of the more gruesome elements. Set in a radioactive apocalyptic future, there really isn't much of a story in the film. A guy buys a robot head for his girlfriend, which in turn becomes a killing machine and kills all her friends, neighbors and loved ones. However, though I had first thought it earned its rating through a graphic sex scene or extra-violent death,  it was more likely the robot's killer metal penis, which it tries to use on said girlfriend...or the gross sexual rape fantasies of her neighbor...or maybe because it's just utterly pointless and crude, as well as offensive. Usually I tell readers to see something that is bad. Today I tell you, avoid this confusing, pointless, and demeaning and downright grotesque abomination.

Did The Blob NEED A Sequel?

The original Blob, starring a young Steve McQueen, was an honestly scary, inventive horror film. What makes this film terrifying isn't simply the idea of being digested by a space creature. This creature's only drive is hunger, and cannot be reasoned with, bargained with, or destroyed(it is frozen, but not dead).
Oddly, Beware! The Blob!, the horrible sequel directed by JR Ewing himself, Larry Hagman, has none of this horror. What's horrible, you ask? Well, the ethnic stereotyping, poor acting, and strange soundtrack, for starters. What really threw me was the injection of COMEDY. There are poorly conceived, overacting comic foils. What disturbed me the most was the comic blunders followed quite succinctly by THEIR GRUESOME DEATHS!!!

I recommend this film for its sheer lack of tact, as well as for watching really goofy death scenes(like the death of a guy in a gorilla suit who drives INTO the blob...) .

Now That My Olbermann Bereavement Has Ended...

Wow. So Paul Ryan has the debating skills of a 14-year-old. I remember being in high school (though it was so long ago), debating some less confident teens. One of the most prevalent characteristics of a poor debater is the tendency to stick to their prepared script, regardless of the initial presenter's (known as affirmative speaker) presentation. You debaters out there know what I mean! Now watch him speak, as I'm sure most of you ignored him.

Seriously, dude, sometimes being too prepared means you are UNprepared. These are all blanket statements, as if the President didn't speak. They should do away with this antiquated tradition. The SOTU is the Prez's hour in the sun, and doesn't need a response. The opposition has ALL FUCKING YEAR to respond. They just look like fools. Now watch this: it will cheer you up.

You're welcome.

A Chilling, Abrupt Goodbye

Last night, Keith Olbermann resigned his position as the bastion of news for the center, left of center and far, far left of center. With his departure (and the purchase of NBC Universal by Comcast), MSNBC will more than likely move towards straight news; news which Mr.Olbermann more than alluded to after the Supreme Court ruling, Citizens United vs. FEC. Olbermann knew that he would become a victim in advance of the changes which very well mat take place in the near future. Here is an excerpt from his show, which I highly recommend, as first re-posted by my boy Casey:

As a culture which has gone from active protest to Facebook protest, we are in deep, deep shit.

2+2=1.1 Trillion Dollars?

Great Krugman Op-Ed on Health Care Reform. Every time my ankle hurts I curse a Republican.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/17/opinion/17krugman.html?_r=1

Few Movies Make Me Want The World To Actually End...

I watched 2012 last night. Just so we are absolutely clear, the world will not suddenly end next year. You want proof? Waste two and a half hours watching the Hollywood interpretation of the Mayan "prophecy". Between solar flares and tectonic plate moving and tsunamis and giant fucking volcanos and Amanda Peet's really fucking annoying screeching, you will want everything to DIE.
By the way, if the Mayans were so good at predicting the future, why were they all SLAUGHTERED BY SURPRISE?!?
I need a drink...

Some Bad News For Those Of Us Who Still Have Trouble With The Remote...

http://blog.movies.yahoo.com/blog/432-netflix-is-abandoning-dvds-customers-who-prefer-dvds

I am old-fashioned. No, not the I-used-to-pay-5-cents-for-a-hot-dog-and-it-was-HUGE old-fashioned. The kind that opens the door for his wife EVERY time. I am, however, also the guy who loves to have a library of books, and one of DVDs (I still have VHS tapes) to reference. In order to find some real gems, as in really bad yet good films, you have to search through countless $5 DVD bins to find The Devil's Rain. Or, you can go to Ebay and find someone selling it for $40( supply and demand sucks balls). Netflix has allowed many of us to see a few of these hilariously terrible films on DVD, with a few streaming selections. However, the streaming selection is mostly from 1995-present, where horror lost its camp value (with the exception of some SciFi original films), and are rarely revised with new, bad, old films. So to hear that I can no longer order DVDs in the near future was depressing to me, as it has become increasingly difficult to find these bad films, now that most video sales and rental stores have faltered. Gone are the bargain basements and sale racks full of goodies like The Beast Must Die, replaced by 500 copies of Crank II: High Voltage. Help me. Write Netflix and tell them what a terrible idea it is to cut out the elderly and the electronically handicapped. And the old schoolers. Help fight the death of the DVD, at least for a little while...

More Italian Horror Than Their Parliament Can Provide!

I'm on an Italian Horror kick. It had been a long time since I had seen Suspiria, long considered on of Dario Argento's masterpieces. I watched it again today, as my leg is tattered from a nasty fall on the ice, and I really have nothing else to do. In Suspiria, a dancer comes to a ballet school where a coven of witches reside. Sounds simple, right? It's not. Suspiria is by no means perfect. Sometimes Argento falls so in love with scene music that it becomes overwhelming, and the acting can be pretty awful. Argento tells the story without adding 20 baffling scenes of violence or gore.That isn't to say that lots of scenes of gore are bad( See Drag Me To Hell). Argento's films follow a linear and consistent pace, building the mood.  There are plenty of legitimately suspenseful scenes with violence, gore, and "honest fright". By honest fright, I mean that a scene can be scary without shocking you. For instance, in the two versions of The Ring, the director(same for both films) adds a more gory, horrific dead teen, and more startling imagery in the VHS scene, to shock the American audience(hopefully by now you've seen it). The original Japanese version uses mood and plot to add the suspense, and injects mysticism into the mix, which terrifies Japanese audiences! I recommend both of these versions, as well as Suspiria. Now, to ice down my ankle...

This City Used To Suck. I Miss Those Times.

My wife scolds me often when I revel in the memory of a dangerous, forgotten old New York. The New York which mugged me four times. The New York where making it home after midnight on the subway was a challenge; an adventure that few dared to embark on, as the chances of survival were slim. Certain neighborhoods weren't off limits, but they should have been. Crime syndicates controlled blocks in all five boroughs, blocks where cops dared not flash a badge. As opposed to modern times, when most crime comes from City Hall or the State Senate, crime was blue collar.It was in your face, not your bank account or turning a blind eye to your skyrocketing rent.
Few films succeeded in depicting the level of lawlessness like State of Grace, from 1990. I watch a lot of terrible films, but I can only watch them one, maybe two times before the wonder is lost. I've seen this film about 30 times. State of Grace is by no means perfect; it's a little long, and after a while, you wonder if there were ANY cops in NY. Having had unmarked police cars show up at my doorstep to respond to a crime (we had been shot at) , I can vouch for its gritty accuracy. This film embraces the beginning of the end of Hell's Kitchen, the Irish mob territory now called "Clinton" (fuck that name). This is a gripping, harrowing, well acted crime drama, and I recommend it. Watch it with another of my favorites, King of New York. I'll save that post for another day.

The Church

No, not THE Church, but The Church, a mid-80's Italian horror film penned by Dario Argento. I was shocked that I was thoroughly captivated by the premise, surrounding Templars from the Crusades, Satan, witches and an Italian cathedral. There are many elements to a good horror film which modern cinema chooses to spit on. Good horror films do not make a love story the central story. I mean, when you're being chased by Freddy Kreuger, do you really at any time wanna fuck the shit out of somebody?!? I mean, c'mon, kids, keep it in your pants! Also, if you have sex in a horror film, whether you know there is a monster or not, YOU ARE DEAD MEAT! Thirdly, the first handsome man and pretty lady you see DOES NOT have to be the hero. Finally, fatal flaws work wonders for plot and character development (i.e. curiosity, lust, etc.) ,even in characters you like! People love vices, like the detective who pounds Sambucas while eating eight Italian sausages covered in cocaine but solves the crime! Hooray!
The Church presents these elements within a creative story arc which I thoroughly enjoyed, and I strongly recommend it. Disclaimer: All 80's horror films maintain a modicum of kitsch cheesiness! In the case of Italian horror, there's usually plenty of it to go around.

Lighter fare...yes, it's a pun.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/12/nyregion/12taxi.html?_r=1&hp

Here's an idea! Work with the union on changing shift starting and ending times!
Anybody get the feeling that all of Bloomberg's issues are bubbling up? I wonder...will an article detailing the 100% rent increase during his administration be next?!?
Don't hold your breath.

Ignorance II: Electric Boogaloo

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/11/us/11radio.html?_r=1&hp

There is a perfectly sound reason why "controversial" radio hosts are so outrageously defending themselves: because being reasonable would put them out of work. If a host started weeping in an honest, guilty, blubbering tirade, the show's base would be turned off...and tune out. Before you judge the individuals here, remember: yes, they go WAY too far in their outrage and hate-mongering. But there are many individuals behind them authorizing, and in most case dictating the action, a puppeteer handling the marionette, and an even greater number of listeners demanding that their wildest fears and prejudices be incited. An outpouring of outrage, which is NOT what is happening in Arizona (quite the contrary, people are denouncing the sheriff for comments denouncing the culture of hatred) would possibly make station execs do some soul-searching. Maybe they would adjust the programming...

Sadly that's not gonna happen, because that's not what people want to happen. They like the program. Otherwise, would Glenn Beck have a job? Would anybody have shown up in D.C. to support him?
We're doomed. I'm gonna go reread Eric Bogosian's Talk Radio before work. I'd tell you to watch it, but it would depress you.   

The Consequence of Ignorance

This is the link to an MSNBC interview with Congresswoman Giffords nine months ago:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=9168027318437123372046bo92a4

More on Sarah Palin's target map:
http://www.commondreams.org/headline/2011/01/09-0

Before we get ahead of ourselves and start calling for her head, it is important to take a step back and recognize that there is no direct correlation between the Arizona shooting and the crosshairs place over Giffords' district. Palin did not pull a trigger and shoot a Congresswoman. No mention of violence is ever made in connection to the map and no one is told to commit acts of violence(or told not to).
However, Palin is a representation of the change in American political rhetoric, as mentioned in the first news clip. The political climate has become too hot, as members of both parties shoot hate speech instead of intelligently discuss the state of their union. Ms. Palin is at the forefront of this rhetorical metamorphosis.
Palin's camp released a response to the growing backlash over their map, just hours after removing it from their website; nine months after the windows of Congresswoman Giffords' office had been either shot or smashed.Her camp asserts no direct link between this man and her camp, and they're probably right. They also emphasize that there is no mention of physically attacking Congresspersons.
But having a "direct" link doesn't need to be emphasized when you are a public figure. We ALL have a link to Palin's pandering to the tea party,her attacks on wildlife, and to her target map. The first responsible party is the shooter. But as my wise friend Sam mentioned in a post today, "Freedom of Speech is NOT freedom from the consequences of your speech".
The consequence of Palin's rhetoric should not be the death of six innocent people, including a child. It should be the revocation of her pulpit. Email your news organizations and condemn their consistent reporting of Palin's every bowel movement, every insincere eye twitch or "You betcha". Palin's rhetorical shit show is only as powerful as the number of hits it gets, and the number of times it's mentioned and referenced. And do your best to convince your families and friends to cast their vote for ANYONE ELSE BUT HER (lots of them are Republicans, I know. I've heard your laments). Maybe holding up a picture of an innocent, murdered Arizona child while you plead your case will do the trick. It's worth a shot. No, not a gunshot.

I needed this today so I wouldn't go insane.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8beHUQbIC8A&p=2B6A0E6B3E60F49C

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Sfvntr0Bmg&feature=related

You're welcome.

Why Sometimes Staying In At Night When You Don't Have To Can Be Good

1. For All The Really Stupid Things We Do At Home.We all do stupid things that in the course of our lives make no sense or difference. Like reading an old MAD magazine, or watching Warlock: Armageddon. Or writing gangsta rap haiku. Knitting makes more sense than these, or reading a real book.But we mostly do those things before 1AM. Stupid things are for late night, and fill us with a sense of awkward accomplishment.
2. To Avoid Doing All The Stupid Things We Do When We Leave. My mom, a ne'er-do-bad who is scared to leave her home past 4pm, once told me in her best Brooklynese, " Joseph, nothing good ever happens between 2 and 4 in da morning". My mom is wrong about a lot of things, but she's right on target here. As a bartender and drinker, I can tell you, NOTHING good EVER happens after two in the morning. Whatever we do is really stupid. Like trying to toss bags of garbage across Bedford Ave. Or fighting a guy twice your size. I've been mugged 4 times in my life. Three of those times were between 2 and 4am.
3. Cops Hate Late Night Stragglers: This is kind of self-explanatory. No place on Earth is worse late night or on weekends than Brooklyn Central Booking. On the weekends, they get to keep you until a judge shows up. That would be called Monday. So two days with Bloods and Latin Kings. Just so you know: they hate you more.
4. Most Fights Occur At Night: And if it's late enough, and you're drunk enough, you'll lose. They're probably bigger and stronger than you. Fighting at night often combines at least two of the last three contentions, which makes you bold and dumb. So stagger-step away from altercations. Or go home and do something house-stupid; like making IPod playlists or hanging shirts. At least they won't be covered in your blood.
5. That Person You Just Met? Not Your Future Spouse. Chances are when you wake up the next day and look over at your paramour from last night, they smell pretty bad. And you weren't meant for each other. You should know each other's name first before you come up with that assumption. Love at first sight only counts when you can see straight. And remember seeing. Everyone is interesting when you're hammered. After a while, nothing's lonelier and more painful than one-night-stands.


These, by the way, are "do as I say, not as I do" contentions. See you at 2am! Wooooo!!!

There is no better proof of what Jon Stewart alluded to: news pundits are fucking morons

http://www.ontheredcarpet.com/Kirk-Cameron-cant-explain-dead-birds--but-can-teach-you-about-God/7883603&rss=rss-kabc-ent_story-7883603

If I have a problem with a hard-on, I'm not gonna ask Bob Dole. If I have a problem with flying piranha, I'm not gonna call James Cameron. So when I have a problem with birds falling from the sky and millions of dying fish, I'm gonna call...Kirk Fucking Cameron? Why not call Hilary Swank, too!
 Fucking morons.

Basket Case

One of my favorite guilty pleasure films of all time, which I watch frequently, is Basket Case, the story of unrequited love and revenge. A boy is born with a deformed Siamese twin on his side. His father, angered over the loss of his wife during childbirth, convinces two docs and a vet to remove the living deformed thing from his otherwise normal son. Both survive, and Belial, the mutant son who looks like ball of muscle with a face, wishes to take revenge on those who had cast him aside.
All seriousness aside, I love this movie for its panoramic shots of NYC from when I was a boy, and its complete ridiculousness. Enjoy the love interest and her gi-normous wig! Gaze in horror at the hero's pee-pee as he runs through downtown at night! Gasp in horror at the layer of black smog that once served as a heat dome over Manhattan Island! This is a perfect bad movie! Watch it! You must!

Laserblast

Hot on the heels of Star Wars came a serious influx of terrible, charmless, superbly cheesy sci-fi films. Some were sexploitation films, like the Dorothy Stratton vehicle, Galaxina. Others, like Laserblast, excluded sex. In fact, Laserblast excludes almost anything pleasurable. A team of lizard bounty hunters kill an escapee in the California desert, leaving behind a strange grenade-like (if only it WAS a grenade) pendant and a laser cannon (GET IT...LASER-BLAST?!?). The whiniest teen in America finds it, turns into a zombie upon using said cannon, and subsequently seeks revenge on all of his enemies. Once lampooned by MST3K, Laserblast is what Mark Hamill's Corvette Summer should have been. I would watch them back-to-back...if I felt supremely bored. Now that the holidays are officially flushed down the crapper, you've got plenty of time to enjoy them.

One of the goofiest films I have seen in while followed by onw of the worst...ever.

I recently checked out the horror section of Netflix to find some new wonderfully bad films. I never thought I would find a gem like The Deadly Spawn or a total turd like The Evil Spawn.
The Deadly Spawn begins like most good horror films do: with immediate action. When you finish reading this, think for a minute about the terrible films you've seen over your lifetime (not including the ones I told you to see). How many of them began with hyper-extended plots and unnecessary filler, like a Dickens novel in space? How many of the good films tried to grab you immediately, setting a qiockened and exhilarating pace? Well, though I'm not listing The Deadly Spawn as a "good" film, it kept me watching with the right amount of (mind you,sometimes unsettling and excessive) gore and suspense. Will the kid/hero get eaten? How many people will die? Why does the beast have three separate heads with eyes? The ending is absolutely, ridiculously awesome. I recommend it. Watch it the same way as you would Nightbeast, if not back-to-back! It's streaming!
For the love of the magic sky friend, Jeebus, DO NOT EVER WATCH THE EVIL SPAWN!!! It takes a lot for me to walk away from a film. I sat through Save the Last Dance, for fuck's sake! This film was too much for me. After five minutes of promising, yet terrible special monster "effects", the monsters disappear. For an hour. Just unnecessary and excruciating exposition remains, regarding a failed aging movie actress and a preposterously evil weird lady. Oh, yeah, lest I forget, also included in this shitbomb is a soon-to-be-dead, post-stroke John Carradine in a cameo that just made me sad. Avoid it. I mean it. Or if you watch it, tell me how it ends. I refuse to go back.