Hobo With A Shotgun

Some films are created as an homage to a superior director/idol (think Super 8), using the lauded director's style to create an entertaining new film. Other films are original concepts which can be applauded for their ingenuity, as they apply new tropes or re-engineer old ones to add freshness to otherwise banal ideas. And then there's Hobo With A Shotgun. Director Jason Eisener took a short which he developed as an intermission piece for the Tarantino/Rodriguez double feature Grindhouse, and expanded it to a full hour-and-a-half of pure crap. And I really mean CRAP. The homages to Michael Herz and Lloyd Kaufman of Troma fame are obvious: ridiculously hammed-up villains(the actors who portray The Drake and his sons are waaaaay over the top), a blindly noble hero(sadly, Rutger Hauer in a laudable performance, given the material), and tons of ridiculous excessive gore. Eisener attempts to portray a  once-proud town gone haywire, full of idiots and criminals, living in an anarchaic harmony until the Hobo throws the balance of all things scummy asunder. What the director creates, however, is utter garbage. You know those ideas that begin with "You know what would be freakin' awesome?!?" while smothered in a blanket of stank weed smog with your pothead friends? That idea became Hobo With A Shotgun... Besides a complete lack of direction(both from Eisener and conceptually), this film lacks the charm of the 80s films which came from Troma, like the Toxic Avenger and Surf Nazis Must Die; films which, bad as they were, had a ribald and outlandish tone. This tone allowed the viewer to not only remember they were watching a bad film, but feel content to sit back and just laugh at it. The joke here is inevitably on Eisener, as he pays homage to filmmakers who he never truly understood or could replicate. Sadly, Eisener is working on another project, due to release next year. I'll warn you in advance when I know more.

Mega-Shark vs. Crocosaurus

The other day, my wife and I watched a quite pleasurable little ditty, a sequel to the wonderfully terrible Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus. If you've guessed that these films are from the SyFy Network...you're 100% correct! Infamous for their gleefully despicably awful pictures with threadbare scripts, horrendous actors and uninspired computer graphics, SyFy has outdone itself yet again in finding a new low to strike. This film features one of the most wooden dare-I-say theatrical performances in recent memory, in the form of "Agent" Hutchinson("actress" Sarah Lieving). The most range or depth the viewer gets is a slight raise in the timbre of her voice when she's excited, making for some compelling viewing. I'm serious. We tried to walk away from this car wreck of a film, but found we were glued to our seats, as the acting became progressively worse, and the plot more ridiculous. Like this plot twist: We can't destroy these creatures unless we can contain them, so let's trap them in the Panama Fucking Canal and then NUKE IT! Yep. The film often dispels with logic or laws or even that people exist, and does what it wants. This, my friends, is the beauty of Mega-Shark vs. Crocosaurus: even when you think it can't get any worse, it surprises and entertains you with more nonsense! Watch it!

R.O.T.O.R.!

I love the Terminator. I also enjoy watching Robocop(the first movie, not the horrendous sequels). So what happens when, after both films have cornered the market on the robotic cop/villain market, a group of illiterate rich Texans decide they can do better? You get R.O.T.O.R.! I rarely say with such steadfast excitement that this film is a complete pile of cinematic excrement, but worth the hour and a half that you will endure it. It wasn't the "hero" who looks more like the original Caliban from Clash of the Titans, WITH makeup. It wasn't the "scientist" who comes to his aid in the second half of the film, who appears to have consumed half of the protein shakes located on the East Coast. Nor is it the film's female "lead", spending most of the film driving away in "fear" with the pace of a gopher with hemorrhoids. It's R.O.T.O.R himself, and the scientific division of the Texas PD which had me in complete stitches. The robot is a hilarious mix of a Chippendale's dancer and a member of the Village People. The "science" department loves talking about theories which  can't possibly exist. The smartest "person" and best actor is a robot who is given pretty free reign to oversee the R.O.T.O.R. project. No one can act in this film, and that's for the benefit of all. I was delighted that all of the "actors" involved were so invested in this film as they plod their way through every line with the excitement of a freshman year acting troupe. I highly reccomend sitting through this "film", as the "surprise" ending will make your nose bleed from laughter.

Some films do not need sequels...

There are hundreds of horrendous sequels in the film annals. I recently found a real straight-to-video wonder called 30 Days of Night: Dark Days. This "sequel" is quite abhorrent. Not only does it use footage from the first film, but distorts it to include a new actress. Since not-well-known Melissa George passed this gem up, the viewer is in for a real treat. Mia Kirshner of L Word and Exotica fame plays the villain as this sequel moves to the 30 days of dark, dark...Los Angeles. Though attempting to keep the look of the vampires of the first film, there are no truly scary villains here. In fact, the CGI and makeup folks have tons of trouble keeping the eyes of the vampires black, or even dull. The acting is quite atrocious, fitting of a high school class project. Normally I enjoy these flaws, yet in this listless sequel, the only joke is on the viewer. Avoid it. Instead, find Warriors of the Lost World. More fun for all, I swear.

I write a sports blog also.

I write a sports blog for the examiner. Look me up in the New York Sports section at www.examiner.com.

X-Men- Classy!

So I saw X-men: First Class this past Friday. My first thought was "This really isn't near as bad as I thought it was going to be!" You can understand my mixed bag of despair and excitement, given my love of bad films and my hope that there would be a plot. There is! As per the Marvel formula, the creators of this prequel (one of them being Bryan Singer, the director of the first two X-Men films) again cast quite well, and the story arcs are crisp. I recommend the film on the whole, but only for a single viewing. Why, you ask? Primarily so you only concentrate on the stellar jobs of Michael Fassbender and James McAvoy (with Kevin Bacon and January Jones giving admirable performances). I have read reviews which have asserted that this film is the best comic adaptation since the Dark Knight...made a whopping 3 years ago...long time there, guys. Seriously, it's up against Punisher:War Zone. Are we gonna compare it to Daredevil next? WTF! OK, in all seriousness, Iron Man made Stark extremely egotistical, and Thor came from the "planet" Asgard. Ok...SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!But there's a character in the X-Men prequel whose name is never used...ever. And "Angel", played quite horribly by Kravitz's daughter, Zoe, who has the wings of a dragonfly and spits fire...not a character I remember. The Angel I know from X-Men was a man, and at times became evil...aka Archangel. I probably have that mixed up, but c'mon, guys! if you're gonna make shit up, maybe...DRAGON FLY would be more appropriate! Oh, and the name wasn't taken already. And who the fuck was "Darwin", whose power was to turn into whatever helps him survive?!? Are you fucking kidding me!
So, I still enjoyed the film, but be warned. See it once. I mean it.

Thor is...good?!?

That's right. Marvel has perfected a formula for its origin series in anticipation of The Avengers. a) Casting is key. Even Anthony Hopkins, normally laughably melodramatic, seems good for the role. b) After casting, make sure they act...and act well. As I said, Hopkins performs admirably as Odin, and previously unknown Chris Hemsworth(unless you knew him as Kirk's father in the Star Trek reboot) is a great Thor. c) Don't fuck around too much with the original story from the comics. No new villains or characters people neither recognize nor give a crap about. I do wish they would find a way to plug in Beta Ray Bill, but I'll settle for now. Oh, there is a D! d) spend a shit ton of money. And they did. And it shows. Thor was fun, and I expect more from Captain America. Not so sure about Green Lantern, as it's DC Comics's baby, but Batman went well...oh, wait, Christopher Nolan brought that back to life...uh oh...