This is what I do during a hurricane...

I revive my blog!
Cheese and Terror RETURNS!!!
Enough of that. While I had a captive audience(wife + dog) during the worst disaster to hit NYC since the mid-90's Godzilla movie, I felt the need to watch the worst possible film releases of the last few years.
I was surprised by the fall of Kitsch this year. Taylor Kitsch was poised to be the next film star. He was cast in two big-budget blockbusters(John Carter), and another film by a lauded director. How could this possibly go wrong?!?
Well, for a few reasons:
a)WHO THE FUCK IS TAYLOR KITSCH?!? Unless you watched a TV show based on a film, which had no more than a cult following, you had no clue who this asshat was.
b) A production company doesn't always spend a lot of money on a WINNER. Kitsch took on two roles that no one else wanted. That should have been a pretty big hint. Brad Pitt? Nope. Tom Cruise? Nope. Fuck, Nathan Fillion didn't want these roles, and he took White Noise II!
c) Oliver Stone hasn't made a great film in a decade. And he's fucking crazy.
d) When your name sounds synonymous to a word used to describe "A form of art that is considered an inferior, tasteless copy of an extant {sic}style"-(Urban Dictionary), and your first name is generally used for ladies(see: Boy Named Sue), you've got a PR problem. Names mean a lot in Hollywood. Just ask Skeet Ulrich.
e) You picked a film BASED ON A FUCKING BOARD GAME! Even Uwe Boll doesn't do that! And he sucks!
So, Battleship is one of the worst films ever made. No question. There are few films that mix pop stars, poor scripts, Academy Award nominees in 5 minute paychecks cameos, and an unknown lead with a terrible name, that end up as good films. In fact, none of them have.
Most poignant scene, you ask? Oh, lord...probably the scene where they enlist Korean war retirees to man the USS Missouri. Yeah, I said it. Spoiler alert. Oh, wait, that's supposed to be in front...Take THAT for all the Dexter spoilers...you know who you are...
A 10 minute "suspenseful" battle scene was concocted, using buoy radar plotting (WTF!) to draw the connection between film and board game. I'm not making this shit up. Seriously, this all happened.
Watching characters die in this film brought me sheer joy, only marred by the persistent life essence of the obnoxious, monotone Taylor Kitsch. 
So watch it, but be warned: the warm glow of Liam Neeson shines through for all of 4 total minutes(not an understatement, I timed it), so what you're left with is a twisted pile of metal. Don't think for a minute that this means I will watch John Carter for you. I can only handle so much.

He looks like he's taking a fat dump. In a way, he did. It's called Battleship. It's all over your screen.

Tentacles!

What do you get when you pair legendary Academy Award winning director John Huston(in an acting capacity) with legendary Academy Award winning actor, Henry Fonda, add Academy Award winning actress Shelley Winters, and throw in TV favorite Claude Akins to round out the all-star cast?!?A monstrous turd called Tentacles! This film was wretched out to theaters in 1978 in response to the "The water is FREAKING TERRIFYING!!!!" trend in film-making during the 1970's, the brainchild of Italian filmmakers. We're not talking Argento or Bava, or even Fulci here. It's basically some random Italian guys with a lot of disposable income.
It's summertime in Ocean Beach, and that only means PERIL!!! With nearly-identical plot lines to Jaws, like bad guys trying to keep the beach open as the octopus(yep, you read that right. A killer octopus) devours its victims with pristine accuracy and stealth, and good guys trying to find the beast before it's too late, this film reeks worse than the Fulton Fish Market in a heat wave. Talk about casting failure?!? Claude Akins, aka TV's Sheriff Lobo, plays...a sheriff. Henry Fonda, admittedly one of the most likable men in film history plays...an evil tycoon! When you see how this film's "writers" decide to set this dung heap apart from the rest of the killer sea dweller genre, you'll piss your pants. Seriously, it's truly heinous. Please watch this film, especially for the ludicrous attack sequences! This is a true gem squeezed from Satan's ass cheeks. 

Attack the Block

I grew up during the heyday of John Carpenter, as Halloween, Escape From New York, and The Thing established Mr. Carpenter as one the true greats of the horror genre. Attack the Block, a film from Edgar Wright, director of the popular British cult favorite, Spaced, and the Simon Pegg/Nick Frost films to follow, takes its cues from early Carpenter films while also keeping the sense of humor which made Shawn of the Dead and Hot Fuzz such popular films. The film follows five British slum youths as they mug an unsuspecting young woman. As the crime unfolds, a meteor crashes directly next to them, unleashing an alien beastie, which they subsequently SLAUGHTER.
From this point, Wright and cast submerge into the impoverished Britain, a section of society hurt by poor, prototypically American economic policies which had a similar effect here: the destabilization of the middle class and the further bashing of the lowest classes. Wright, like Carpenter and many successful horror/sci-fi directors, adds a strong undertone of social commentry, as we follow these children, fearless because of their environment, as they attempt to defend their "block" in the projects from an awkward alien invasion. The beasties are refreshingly low-budget, and the who, what, where and why of the film dissolves effectively as chaos erupts, pitting humans together against these ape-like creature, and against their territorial foes. I recommend Attack the Block for its wonderful blend of culture, creature and commentary. Also, I would add They Live, Carpenter's arguably failed attempt at blatant protest of advertising, as a companion piece, as they share some truly wondrous goofiness.

Also enjoy They Live's legendary scenes, regarding bubblegum and a 10 minute street brawl...lest I give too much away...

Inside Job

I rarely use my blog anymore to get on a soapbox to proclaim a film or documentary as must-see viewing while being classified as a great film; not any more than Roger Ebert would send viewers to see Showgirls to see great screenwriting at work. That being said, I want to take this brief blog to draw your attention to Academy Award winner, Inside Job. No, not the Spike Lee joint.
This documentary presents the facts behind the scandalous collapse of major corporations who used the trust of the American people and a system devoid of regulations to fleece the country, then cause the largest meltdown of the Great Depression.The doc also ties together the infiltration of government by these corporations, and the links to renowned academia. I don't want to say too much, mainly so you can experience the outrage for yourself.
I have attempted through social media to help spread the word regarding our standing in this limping economy, as well as help those confused by Occupy Wall Street to understand what they really want accomplished. This film helps explain indirectly what has created this movement, and defined their demands. I ask anyone to keep an open mind as they watch, as there can appear to be a one-sided view of the events. Do not be fooled: there is no conjecture here: Inside Job is a factual retelling of events, not a Michael Moore-esque propaganda machine. To ignore these facts and interviews is to ignore reality itself. This isn't OJ trying on shrunken gloves; here the gloves fit all hands involved.

Hobo With A Shotgun

Some films are created as an homage to a superior director/idol (think Super 8), using the lauded director's style to create an entertaining new film. Other films are original concepts which can be applauded for their ingenuity, as they apply new tropes or re-engineer old ones to add freshness to otherwise banal ideas. And then there's Hobo With A Shotgun. Director Jason Eisener took a short which he developed as an intermission piece for the Tarantino/Rodriguez double feature Grindhouse, and expanded it to a full hour-and-a-half of pure crap. And I really mean CRAP. The homages to Michael Herz and Lloyd Kaufman of Troma fame are obvious: ridiculously hammed-up villains(the actors who portray The Drake and his sons are waaaaay over the top), a blindly noble hero(sadly, Rutger Hauer in a laudable performance, given the material), and tons of ridiculous excessive gore. Eisener attempts to portray a  once-proud town gone haywire, full of idiots and criminals, living in an anarchaic harmony until the Hobo throws the balance of all things scummy asunder. What the director creates, however, is utter garbage. You know those ideas that begin with "You know what would be freakin' awesome?!?" while smothered in a blanket of stank weed smog with your pothead friends? That idea became Hobo With A Shotgun... Besides a complete lack of direction(both from Eisener and conceptually), this film lacks the charm of the 80s films which came from Troma, like the Toxic Avenger and Surf Nazis Must Die; films which, bad as they were, had a ribald and outlandish tone. This tone allowed the viewer to not only remember they were watching a bad film, but feel content to sit back and just laugh at it. The joke here is inevitably on Eisener, as he pays homage to filmmakers who he never truly understood or could replicate. Sadly, Eisener is working on another project, due to release next year. I'll warn you in advance when I know more.

Mega-Shark vs. Crocosaurus

The other day, my wife and I watched a quite pleasurable little ditty, a sequel to the wonderfully terrible Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus. If you've guessed that these films are from the SyFy Network...you're 100% correct! Infamous for their gleefully despicably awful pictures with threadbare scripts, horrendous actors and uninspired computer graphics, SyFy has outdone itself yet again in finding a new low to strike. This film features one of the most wooden dare-I-say theatrical performances in recent memory, in the form of "Agent" Hutchinson("actress" Sarah Lieving). The most range or depth the viewer gets is a slight raise in the timbre of her voice when she's excited, making for some compelling viewing. I'm serious. We tried to walk away from this car wreck of a film, but found we were glued to our seats, as the acting became progressively worse, and the plot more ridiculous. Like this plot twist: We can't destroy these creatures unless we can contain them, so let's trap them in the Panama Fucking Canal and then NUKE IT! Yep. The film often dispels with logic or laws or even that people exist, and does what it wants. This, my friends, is the beauty of Mega-Shark vs. Crocosaurus: even when you think it can't get any worse, it surprises and entertains you with more nonsense! Watch it!

R.O.T.O.R.!

I love the Terminator. I also enjoy watching Robocop(the first movie, not the horrendous sequels). So what happens when, after both films have cornered the market on the robotic cop/villain market, a group of illiterate rich Texans decide they can do better? You get R.O.T.O.R.! I rarely say with such steadfast excitement that this film is a complete pile of cinematic excrement, but worth the hour and a half that you will endure it. It wasn't the "hero" who looks more like the original Caliban from Clash of the Titans, WITH makeup. It wasn't the "scientist" who comes to his aid in the second half of the film, who appears to have consumed half of the protein shakes located on the East Coast. Nor is it the film's female "lead", spending most of the film driving away in "fear" with the pace of a gopher with hemorrhoids. It's R.O.T.O.R himself, and the scientific division of the Texas PD which had me in complete stitches. The robot is a hilarious mix of a Chippendale's dancer and a member of the Village People. The "science" department loves talking about theories which  can't possibly exist. The smartest "person" and best actor is a robot who is given pretty free reign to oversee the R.O.T.O.R. project. No one can act in this film, and that's for the benefit of all. I was delighted that all of the "actors" involved were so invested in this film as they plod their way through every line with the excitement of a freshman year acting troupe. I highly reccomend sitting through this "film", as the "surprise" ending will make your nose bleed from laughter.