Why Sometimes Staying In At Night When You Don't Have To Can Be Good

1. For All The Really Stupid Things We Do At Home.We all do stupid things that in the course of our lives make no sense or difference. Like reading an old MAD magazine, or watching Warlock: Armageddon. Or writing gangsta rap haiku. Knitting makes more sense than these, or reading a real book.But we mostly do those things before 1AM. Stupid things are for late night, and fill us with a sense of awkward accomplishment.
2. To Avoid Doing All The Stupid Things We Do When We Leave. My mom, a ne'er-do-bad who is scared to leave her home past 4pm, once told me in her best Brooklynese, " Joseph, nothing good ever happens between 2 and 4 in da morning". My mom is wrong about a lot of things, but she's right on target here. As a bartender and drinker, I can tell you, NOTHING good EVER happens after two in the morning. Whatever we do is really stupid. Like trying to toss bags of garbage across Bedford Ave. Or fighting a guy twice your size. I've been mugged 4 times in my life. Three of those times were between 2 and 4am.
3. Cops Hate Late Night Stragglers: This is kind of self-explanatory. No place on Earth is worse late night or on weekends than Brooklyn Central Booking. On the weekends, they get to keep you until a judge shows up. That would be called Monday. So two days with Bloods and Latin Kings. Just so you know: they hate you more.
4. Most Fights Occur At Night: And if it's late enough, and you're drunk enough, you'll lose. They're probably bigger and stronger than you. Fighting at night often combines at least two of the last three contentions, which makes you bold and dumb. So stagger-step away from altercations. Or go home and do something house-stupid; like making IPod playlists or hanging shirts. At least they won't be covered in your blood.
5. That Person You Just Met? Not Your Future Spouse. Chances are when you wake up the next day and look over at your paramour from last night, they smell pretty bad. And you weren't meant for each other. You should know each other's name first before you come up with that assumption. Love at first sight only counts when you can see straight. And remember seeing. Everyone is interesting when you're hammered. After a while, nothing's lonelier and more painful than one-night-stands.


These, by the way, are "do as I say, not as I do" contentions. See you at 2am! Wooooo!!!