Total Pageviews

Monday, March 21, 2016

Gods of Egypt

Last Tuesday, Randall and I toyed with the idea of fulfilling a bad movie challenge several months old. I do want to get this out of the way:
a)Randall is not a figment of my imagination, hell-bent on causing me pain. He is, in fact, real.
b)I'm often the driving force behind the worst crap that we sit through. As Verbal once said, "The best trick the devil ever pulled was to convince the world he didn't exist." If you ever meet Randall, ask him whose fault Skyline was. (hint: IT WAS ME)
We had been putting off Gods of Egypt for a week and a half, until I received this awful news: Gods of Egypt, which cost nearly cost $200 million to make, was being pulled from theaters by week's end. To give you perspective: Battleship, one of the worst films ever slapped together, stayed in theaters with the hope that it could recoup some losses for almost a month. Feel free to check my archive for that piece of shit. I watched Battleship during Hurricane Sandy; madness followed.
Here's how our conversation evolved:
Me: Are we still seeing Gods of Egypt? I'm really tired, and am unsure I can sit through it.
Randall: Ok, we can try a different day. How long is it playing for.
Me: 9 more hours, unless you want to see it in...STATEN ISLAND...
Randall: OH GOD, NO! TODAY IT IS! TO HAPPY HOUR!!!
That's right: they couldn't even wait 3 days to launch this turdmuffin into the film afterlife.
Normally, 4 hours is enough time during Happy Hour to prepare a film goer with an open mind to see most any film. Like I, Frankenstein. Or even Skyline.Or Gigli.
There wasn't enough booze on the Earth to make Gods of Egypt into a coherent, enjoyable film. A woman yelled at us during the opening credits, "I WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE!" I turned back 15 minutes later, and SHE had left. By a half-hour, everyone else had. In fact, as we exited the theater, speechless and in dismay, I couldn't recall having seen a single attendant.
The best way to describe Gods of Egypt, the film equivalent of the medical waste receptacles at Bellevue on a hot Saturday during a blackout, is as follows.You know when a 5 year old has a tragically intense fever dream during, oh let's say, scarlet fever. You have read him a story about Egypt, and he recites this nonsensical tale based around what you've just recited to him. You think, that's cute, if he survives this nightmare, at least he may be creative someday. Now put that fever dream inside a perfectly capable adult, and you scream, "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FUCKING ABOMINATION?!? WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB! " In fact, if you saw a ten year old drawing a still from any scene with crayon, you would take it away from him, send him to his room, grounded, and light it on fire. You might even light the house on fire. 
That, my friends, is Gods of Egypt, the official worst film I have ever seen in a theater. It's given me at least one legit nightmare.
I won't spoil the whole story, but I'll give you this brief synopsis:
A) Gods are sort of immortal(?), and are about 10-11 feet tall. Like Shaq. Or like Jaws in Moonraker.
B) Set and Horus are uncle/nephew, who fight over Egypt once Set kills his brother Osiris.
C) in their initial fight, Set beats Horus, taking his eyes(made of crystal). He can no longer see(nope, he can kind of see), but more importantly, he can no longer change into a giant, metallic warbird. No, wait, HE CAN. Just kidding, everyone! So glad the entire fucking film is about retrieving his fucking eyes!
D) Think you've heard the worst?!? Ohhhh nooo. Swallow this fucknut! Ra, their grandpa, LIVES ON A SPACE STATION ABOVE THIS PLANET, WHICH HAS THE SUN ATTACHED TO IT WITH A GIANT CHAIN. NOW RETIRED FROM RULING EGYPT, HIS JOB IS TO, ONCE A DAY, FEND OFF A GIANT BLACK SPACE WORK MADE OF CLOUDS WITH HIS STAFF OF SUN BALLS.
E) The smartest god has his brain ripped from his head. Somehow, he is alive during the final celebratory sequence. I wish someone were there to rip out my brain. 
Have you ever fallen off a bike, and hurt yourself so badly, that you can only laugh out loud, tears rippling down your cheeks while you wish for sweet death? Do that about 40 times. Add PTSD. You have now endured Gods of Egypt. If I ever meet Gerard Butler, I will politely punch him in his stupid Scottish(Egyptian)-accented fucking face, then demand our money back. At least when he gets up and murders me, I can hopefully not relive the horror of this film in some afterlife. In fact, I no longer hope for an afterlife, if only to negate the chance I'll continue to see flashbacks of this film in my mind's eye.


No comments:

Post a Comment