More Werewolves!

Just in case you're not getting your fix of bad werewolf films, try Skinwalkers. One of the signs of a bad film is Jason Behr, of Roswell fame, as the lead. Not only do we get this doughy-faces little guy as our main character, he's the villain. Skinwalkers has a bad concept, terrible script, and awful actors( I absolve Elias Koteas from this list). This film plain stinks, in a hilariously heart-warming way.
Not to be outdone is Cursed, starring Christina Ricci and new It-geek Jesse Eisenberg as brother and sister who are attacked by a werewolf, who is apparently less hungry, and more in need of friends. The ever-awful Joshua Jackson also drops by as a mysterious possible-villain, and Portia deRossi of Ally McBeal and Arrested Development stars as dinner! These are can't-miss chucklefests from beginning to end.

Having Given Y'All Enough Time To See Some Films...

I love werewolf films, not for their impeccable writing and storytelling, but for how laughably bad most of them are. One of my favorite film series is that of Ginger Snaps. These Canadian turd fests revolve around two sisters, one of whom has been bitten by a werewolf. For those who are unaware, this makes her a werewolf as well...and a pretty bad one at that. In the first two films, we follow the sisters as they struggle with their familial bond, dating, and just plain biting the fuck out of people. From out of nowhere, the creators of the series decide, What if we just placed these two characters IN FRONTIER TIMES, circa the 1850's?!? What the fuck, people! Have you no shame?!? They don't even change the names of the characters! Ironically, this is the most watchable, and least laughable of the films. Still, a much better frontier werewolf film exists, in The Brotherhood of the Wolf. I tend to enjoy anything with Monica Belllucci in it(not Irreversible. Don't ever see that film. I mean it.) but this film is actually decent. Maybe you should watch them back-to-back, for argument's sake.

Leonard Part VI

There are few words to describe the sheer horror and despair one may experience when sitting through a terribly written, horribly acted comedy. Usually, bad comedies are either the result of a megalomaniacal comedian too big for his britches, or terrible writing, or a lack/overabundance of outside influences which maim a promising production. Rarely does a film suffer from ALL OF THE ABOVE. Enter Leonard Part VI. Bill Cosby was at the height of fame, buoyed by the #1 show on television and a still-strong comic career. Cosby was the Teflon Don of TV...but not for long. Containing one of the most excruciating montage scenes in film history(the weapon prep before battle scene), followed by an equally unbearable, drawn out gag (usually a scene cited by critics as one of the worst of all time) involving blowing up a wall, Leonard Part VI is the nightmare of anyone with ears and eyes. The script is atrocious, and all actors involved took a considerable hit, including Mr. Cosby, who will forever be pigeon-holed by the fame of The Cosby Show. Why? Could you imagine sitting with Bill Cosby for 20 minutes and asking him about this film? Ghost Dad? His affair and love child?!? Some films are worth forgetting. If you've ever been interested in film, Leonard Part VI is the perfect film to watch...so you know what NOT to do when making a film.

Who Doesn't Love Slow-Moving Thrillers?!?

So, I watched The American the other day. I tend to like really slow, drawn-out exposition with sprinkles of chaos. In this way this film did not disappoint. I was slightly amused yet perturbed by the beautiful Italian prostitute who is seduced by all that is Clooney and wishes to run away with him to somewhere where she won't hafta get shot through the neck...not much of a spoiler, trust me. You'll get it in two minutes. I appreciate the Bond-esque naivity, yet it detracts from the film. I must admit: I enjoy watching Georgie boy act. As opposed to Bill Murray's stint as existential stoic in the last decade of film, I feel the Cloonster pulls the same off with poise and penache. He succeeded at making me feel sympathy for his character, and outright disgusting me. I couldn't decide if and why I wished for his success. I recommend it. Just try not to get caught up in the whole hooker/lover thing, and you'll be OK.

Hell Comes To Frogtown

I know, catchy title, right? Who wouldn't see this film in the theater?!? Well, luckily for humankind, no one did(it WAS released!!!) Coming of the heels of his virtuoso performance in They Live, Roddy Piper (yes, Rowdy Roddy Piper) took on a challenging role in a post-apocalyptic future, fighting a lot of men in frog costumes...I mean, frog men. Also starring Sandahl Bergman, from Red Sonja and Conan the Barbarian, this film thoroughly stinks. As I have mentioned before, I would triple dog dare you to watch this film and Red Sonja back-to-back, just to experience the pain unleashed by Bergman's acting! ANYONE who makes Roddy Piper look like an actor deserves a quick end to their career. Oh, wait...her career DID end!

Also, just heard there is a Conan the Barbarian remake on the horizon! This will bring new meaning to the word "stink"! I can't wait.

Lately I've Been Uninspired. Sorry.

When natural disasters and political mutiny against the American people by their small-minded wealthy "representatives" get me down, I actually watch LESS bad films and comedies. I believe in dealing with what ails me, not escaping from it. As opposed to an alarmingly large cross-section of Americans, I rebounded from 9/11 pretty quickly(some people still aren't quite over it. A good number of them weren't directly affected by it, either). In fact, I was on the subway that very night, looking for an open bar. If you allow grief and strife to linger, it consumes you like athlete's foot, burning the webbing of your toes(that's what it does, I swear!) every few days until you scratch it bloody, and then returns over and over for all eternity, all the while getting worse until you apply the meds. I do get angered by injustice and saddened by tragedy, but I deal with it ASAP.
Aaannndd...now I'm over it! Hooray! So I watched Highway to Hell yesterday, a little ditty from 1991, starring Kristy Swanson and the lesser Lowe, Chad. If you wish to see a post-apocalyptic film hidden deep in a film about the devil, this is for you! An old man, played by Academy nominee Richard Farnsworth, warns a couple to stay awake on the road. Of course they don't. You see, pent-up teenage horniness makes you crazy AND sleepy! So a "hell cop" takes her away. Cause she's a virgin, you see. So the kid follows her to hell to get her back. That's the story. Oh, and there are bikers in hell. And Lita Ford. And her boobs.
If you like dated, silly horror, this is a good one.

Best Epic Failure of the Week!

 http://rivals.yahoo.com/ncaa/basketball/blog/the_dagger/post/Professor-honored-at-halftime-tossed-from-game-f?urn=ncaab-331238
This made me laugh out loud. Failure to the professor for being a dumbass, but epic fail for the refs, who obviously don't watch the halftime show.Not even a warning, guys? He didn't even curse or reference the Donaghy scandal! And $1600 a game?!? That's about $600 per hour for the game! Where do I sign up! I'll even watch the halftime show!

Even Gun-Wielding, Bible-Thumping Maniacs have their limit.

I read a surprisingly startling article in today's NY Times which thrilled and confused me today, regarding America's newest and most dangerous blowhard, Glenn Beck.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/07/business/media/07carr.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&smid=fb-nytimes
I am thrilled at even the hint that Beck could be ousted by Fix News by December. Do I think they'll do it? No. I'm sure a huge Save Glenn Beck, perpetrated by, well, Glenn Beck, will be in the works before then, as his ouster would be the sinister plot of Soros and the left wing media machine to break America's will. I do love that Fix News's senior VP of development is aptly named "Cheatwood". You can't make this stuff up, folks! I'm sure a comment from Beck will be prepared for his show today, complete with the prerequisite angry blubbering that right wing America loves(see Boehner). I can't wait for the Daily Show to lampoon that Tuesday...or hopefully Wednesday when I go to see it live! 

This Is Unfortunate.

So I was rifling through them there internets, and found this gem.
 http://moviesblog.mtv.com/2011/03/03/blade-runner-sequels-and-prequels-are-on-the-way/

This saddens me. If you haven't seen the original (there are few people who haven't by now) , you might be excited to hear this. I caution you, this will not be good, as recent history suggests. Here are names of some recent films which were either remakes or unnecessary prequels/sequels: Tron: Legacy, Amityville Horror, The Hills Have Eyes 1 and 2, Pirahna 3D, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre(with prequel), TWO Exorcist prequels with almost identical scripts, House of Wax, The Wicker Man, Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween 1 and 2, The Star Wars prequels...I really can keep going. What do these films have in common besides their SciFi/Horror classifications? THEY ALL ROYALLY SUCKED. Hollywood has run out of original ideas, mainly because studios work from the same pool of writers. When an original writer is given opportunity( Diablo Cody is a good example), they are forced to abide by Hollywood's rules, adding old tropes, dumbing down dialogue, characters, and creating utter crap(see Jennifer's Body). Ok, so it DOES give me more bad films to watch; but these are the kinds of films that are so bad, they're just downright painful. So the Blade Runner sequel is just, to me, one more bad rehash with glossy effects and no worth. I'm gonna go throw on Mega Piranha.

Zombies!

Well, zombie ants.

EEEEEKKKKK!!!!