Some gifts keep on giving...

This birthday, I received a fine bottle of Malbec (thanks Jim and Katy!) and a ten dollar check from my mom. The gift which I have gotten the most wear-and-tear from so far is a forgotten film called Red Sonja. By 1985, Arnold Schwarzeneggar was a huge success. He had starred in both Conan the Barbarian films, The Terminator, and was scheduled to appear in major box office fare for the next several years. However, he still had a debt to pay to the studio and producer who had launched his career, recently deceased Dino DeLaurentis. He agreed to play Conan again, opposite his Conan love interest, Sandahl Bergman, in Red Sonja, based on a character from the Conan stories written by successfully suicidal Robert E. Howard (lucky for him he never got to see Red Sonja). Conan later decided that he didn't want to be Conan again, so they changed his character's name(that'll do it!). Bergman, apparently thinking the lead in Pretty Woman was just around the bend, declined the lead role for fear of being typecasted. She unfortunately went on to be typecasted as "that Conan lady who can't act", appearing in such box office treats as Hell Comes to Frogtown, opposite Rowdy Roddy Piper. Nice job! Wooooo!!! Talk about her career taking a snake arrow to the heart!
So model Brigitte Nielsen(Mrs. Gastineau, Mrs. FlavorFlav) was cast as Red Sonja, and a complete shitbomb was detonated on audiences everywhere. At the premiere, Maria Shriver exclaimed to Ah-nold, "If this doesn't kill your career, nothing will!" Few films of the 80's were so in need of, and denied, gratuitous nudity!
I triple dog dare you to sit through the awkwardly adorable spin kicks of diminutive Ernie Reyes, Jr! Bow to his oafish servant Falkon as he hits you in the head with an oversized bone! If you really have gumption, sonny, find and watch Frogtown afterwards. You will hunt me down and strangle me!